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It felt as if he’d tossed a bucket of cold water onto those fires. She appreciated his gratitude but hearing him talk about his purpose and feeling the energy palpably pulsing through him made her understand that being with her and the boys wasn’t enough for Ryder.
The knowledge didn’t come as a surprise, and she couldn’t fault him for it. She was glad to support his happiness, but somehow seeing him so charged after a morning away from her and their sons created a wide gap in their connection.
Taking care of Noah and Chase fulfilled her soul because she was uncomplicated at her core. She’d already been researching recipes for homemade baby food and took so much pleasure in planning her days with the babies, simple as their schedule might be.
What could she offer Ryder that would keep him interested in lackluster, stay-at-home Esme when he probably interacted with so many interesting people doing big things at Hayes Enterprises?
And if his brother was given the CEO position the way Ryder suspected he would be, that would leave him in a position where he was still expected to travel each week for work, wining and dining clients plus hobnobbing with guests at the properties the company managed around the state and beyond, if they expanded the way he’d told her his father planned.
“I’m glad it was a good morning.” She kept her tone purposefully light. “I hope the rest of the day goes just as well.” There was no doubt the highlight of hers would be the moment when he’d take her in his arms like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“Are you hungry? Because as great as the morning was, I missed...” He gave her an almost bashful smile, which looked out of place on his confident face. “I missed the boys. It’s strange not being with them every moment.”
“I can’t imagine, although I guess I will next year when I go back to work. Freya really did give me the greatest gift making my wish to focus on being a mother come true.”
Ryder drew back. “You’re amazing, Es. Most women I know would wish for a shopping spree in New York City, not the baby department at GreatStore.”
Did that make her amazing or boring? Before Ryder, Esme hadn’t given her dream a second thought. In the wake of Seth’s cheating, the choice to devote herself completely to being a mother had been an obvious one. But would her late husband have strayed if she’d been enough to keep his attention?
Ryder was more successful and worldly than Seth had ever been. It was ridiculous to think she stood a chance of capturing his attention or affection in any long-term way.
She grabbed the diaper bag and Chase, who was sleeping in his infant carrier, while Ryder hooked Noah’s car seat under his arm. He led her toward the grassy area under a cedar pergola that offered a picture-perfect view of the lake.
“I had the restaurant at the club pack a picnic for us. I know my brother came up with the idea, but he’s stolen enough of mine over the years that I’m not too concerned. You and I are having lunch al fresco.”
“That’s sweet of you to plan.” Esme tried not to read too much into the gesture. He’d just told her the boys were who he’d missed, which she should appreciate without the ache in her heart. Their arrangement was about parenting together, and this impromptu picnic, plus the fact that he wanted to see Noah and Chase, was proof he took fatherhood seriously.
There was a blanket spread over the grass and an adorable wicker basket that Ryder opened after getting the boys settled. “They don’t normally make tater tots on Fridays, but I talked the chef into whipping up an order for us. I know how much you like them.”
Esme’s stomach growled in response, and Ryder looked quite satisfied with himself as he continued to pull many of her favorite foods out of the basket. There was a turkey sandwich on fluffy brioche bread, a Caesar salad with fresh Parmesan shavings and gorgeous, red, juicy strawberries, which were not easy to come by in the middle of winter.
She was touched by his thoughtfulness and how he’d obviously paid attention during one of their late night conversations, getting to know each other, when he’d quizzed her on the food she liked best.
“The chef kept trying to box up the leftovers from some of the fancy specials on the menu this week.” Ryder grinned at her. “But I told him you’ve got simple taste, so we’re going to stick with the basics.”
Right. She was basic while he was used to running in circles with women who liked big-city shopping and probably gobbled spoonfuls of foie gras for lunch.
But despite her niggling insecurities, he seemed to enjoy their lunch as much as she did and animatedly shared the plans and ideas he had for the company’s future.
They continued to talk, Esme mostly directing the conversation back to Ryder when he asked about her day. No point in highlighting how dull she was by detailing shopping for baby clothes and coffee with two old people.
He placed a hand on her knee, one finger tracing small circles that she felt through the soft fabric of her jeans like he was directly touching her skin. “I’m grateful we’re in this together,” he said huskily. “There’s no way I would have had the mental bandwidth to come back to work with the renewed energy I feel otherwise. When it was just Noah and me, I constantly worried about how to handle my workload and the expectations, particularly if I needed to keep traveling. Being with you changes everything.”
Esme took a small bite of turkey sandwich and nodded. Both Bea and Freya had expressed concern about Ryder coming to view her as a glorified babysitter, and she hated to admit that his words gave her trepidation.
Surely that wouldn’t be the case when she returned to work. Even though her career as a first-grade teacher wasn’t as important or anywhere near as lucrative as his job, she loved teaching and was committed to finding a position at the local school this coming fall.
They’d established ground rules for the babies at their current age and would need to ensure those rules continued to work for both of them as the boys got older. Yet Ryder’s hand on her leg felt so good—shockwaves of awareness skittering along her spine—that she longed for more. If she could change the rules to her liking as the boys got older, could she also modify them to accommodate her growing physical attraction to Ryder?
After all, if they were going to be living in such close proximity, with neither of them dating at the moment—and Esme not planning to start anytime soon—what would be the harm in upping their physical connection? She’d just need to keep her heart out of it, which should be manageable. Or would it...?
“What’s wrong?” Ryder asked suddenly. “You have a funny look on your face, and you’re blushing.”
“I think I’m having a reaction to something I ate,” she lied, pressing her lips together.
He straightened and gripped her shoulders with his strong hands. “Can you breathe? Is it anaphylactic? Do we need to get you to the hospital?”
Okay, his worry was adorable if unnecessary.
