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Something gorgeous? I snorted at the absurdity of that statement, but I didn’t argue. I got to work.
I pretended the apricot hue was bridal pink and played up that choice by highlighting the pink tone with red and pink accents. I fashioned a sash, with the wordbachelorettespelled out in tiny sparkly dicks, then turned my attention to the headpiece.
There’s a fine line between playful and disturbing when it comes to sparkly dicks. To stay safely on the playful side, I used the dicks to create a chevron pattern, where if you didn’t look too closely, it wasn’t entirely obvious that it was a crown of dicks.
My fingers had never moved so fast in my life. I whipped the glue gun around, burned my fingers a few times, and bejeweled the bejesus out of my crafts.
Way too soon, a whistle blew, signaling our time was up. I threw my hands in the air, heart racing. If I had a few more minutes, I could have gotten those last few dicks on there to make it a little closer to perfect, but I was generally pleased with what I’d accomplished.
It occurred to me then, that I’d been so in the zone, I hadn’t checked in with my partner to see how her throne was doing.
And then I sawit.
Layana had used the inflatable dicks to create the shape of a chair. On top was the sheep, with plastic dicks sticking out in every direction like horny spines. She’d formed the man with his back arched and his hands and feet on the floor like he was about to crab walk. His neck craned awkwardly up at a ninety degree angle so his open mouthed face was centered in the seat’s back. His inflatable dick popped straight up at the front of the chair’s seat like a clutch.
Ohmygosh.It looked like an air-filled medieval torture device. I couldn’t look away.
The judges began making their rounds.
Glitter and Chester showed off their six-foot tall banner made of pornographic movie cases, with edible underwear artfully folded into roses and then used in clumps to create letters on the banner spelling outBride’s Bash.It was a genius use of the materials, and I’d have to ask them how they’d made those flowers.
Maybe it was bias, but I thought our two teams had the clearly most polished pieces. A couple were more tasteful—like a pink tent of a dress made of plastic tablecloths and unadorned streamers made of Mardi Gras beads. It would be up to the judges as to whether they were looking for taste or quality.
Given the hard expressions the judges made as they took turns sitting on our…throne, it was looking like taste.
Finally, the time came for Waylen to announce the top and bottom three.
Both the Glitter-Chester team and ours were somehow, miraculously at the top. I couldn’t believe it.
“And the winning pair is…Layana and Morgan!” Waylen said.
Layana grabbed me. We jumped up and down together in shocked delight.
“Congratulations, you two,” Waylen said. “But only one contestant can be the winner.”
Why would they make us choose? It was a stupid rule considering we were a pair. We should both win.
Layana said, “Morgan made the crown. It’s gorgeous. She should win.”
Gilbert moved in behind the camera, pointed at me, and held up a sign for me to read.Throw her under the bus.
Layana was my best friend. I pretended not to see Gilbert there, and I told the world the truth. “I like what I made. It’s pretty, but it’s quite obvious which of our pieces made the biggest statement.”
Chester took a seat on the throne, grabbed the dick throttle and bounced up and down, cheering.
Gilbert scowled at me and thrust an angry finger toward his sign.
“Layana made the throne,” I said. “It’s an outrageous masterpiece. She deserves the win.”
The judges whispered to each other, nodded, then whispered to Waylen.
“A verdict has been reached.” Waylen rubbed his hands together. “Layana, you win!”
She threw her hands over her mouth. Tears of joy glistened in her bright blue eyes. She deserved this, and I felt dang good about saying so, even as Gilbert shot me a disapproving glare from behind the camera.
And after it was over, in the flurry of excitement as I made my way to the door, Layana and Glitter invited me out for drinks to celebrate. With the pleading grin Layana gave me, I couldn’t say no.
“I shouldn’t leave Tristan to sit at the hotel all by himself,” I said, hoping he was actually there. What if he hadn’t gone back after I’d left him. I’d run off in such a hurry.
