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“Again, I apologize for the harm I caused you,” I said. “Now I must get back to work.”
“Sure, okay. Just…I’ve always been here, trying to protect you, too. If you’d let me. Love you.”
“I love you, too. Goodbye, Esme.”
“Bye.”
Upon hanging up the phone, a wave of exhaustion washed over me. I couldn’t handle navigating advice right now. I couldn’t handle the focus required for my research. I couldn’t handle the scrutiny of the scandal or the preparations for the impending merger meeting that was scheduled for three days from now.
I needed quiet detachment away from all of it. I needed time to process and time to think.
THIRTY-NINE
LAYANA
I stared up at the grouping of circular stains on the ceiling of my apartment from my place on the floor. Either my eyes were blurry from exhaustion and crying myself dry, or that stain clump was starting to look like Barney the purple dinosaur.
How much wallowing does it take for stains to start singing about how we’re all a happy family? Minutes, hours, days—all measures of time rolled together in one lump of breathing, crawling agony.
I’d called. I’d texted. I’d delivered actual physical letters to Gabriel’s office pouring my sad, remorseful heart out.
Did he listen? Did he care?
Nope. Ghost train, last stop Self-pityville, passengers—one—this gal.
The worst part about writing that journal, leaving my laptop unguarded in my apartment, and knowing everyone and their momma had read my most private thoughts wasn’t the fact that everyone I’d ever met knew all the nastiest things I’d thought about them. It wasn’t even the fact that Maxim was probably down in his apartment celebrating his victory and my demise this very moment. It was knowing that I’d hurt Gabriel, and thatI couldn’t make him understand this shitshow no matter how hard I tried.
I deserved his silence. But that didn’t make his absence ravage me any less.
I was broken without him.
I was a shell, hurt and exhausted and too shattered to move.
A droplet of water fell down from Barney’s eye and hit me in the cheek. I flinched but didn’t move. The floor was my home now. This was where I belonged.
Chester had texted to try to drag me out dancing, to help brainstorm viral challenge ideas that would push the entire scandal into news of the past.
Juno had brought by a plate filled with blueberry and chocolate cupcakes with little heart candies on top. Each candy contained an affirmation—you rock, chicks before dicks, you’re a good person.
I tried not to cry. It didn’t work.
I couldn’t even bring myself to eat one.
They just sat there judging me, their happy delicious comfort too good for the garbage version of me I’d become.
Morgan showed up the most. She let the others in since she had my key. I didn’t know how many times she’d been here, but I’d hear her promising me that time would help.
It hadn’t.
She’d offered to call a lawyer for me about the laptop and everything, but that was the last thing I could think about right now.
I couldn’t even make myself move when Barney spit on me again.
There was a gaping hole in my chest where Gabriel was supposed to be. Slowly and surely, it consumed me.
With past relationships, I’d moved on quickly. My wandering heart was easily distracted by the next thrill.
But my bond with Gabriel ran deeper. During our time together, he’d steadied me, pushed me, and forced me to grow. Somehow he’d softened my defensive edges. We balanced each other.
