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Shockingly, my charred hot dog on a bun, minus any condiments, is fucking delicious. I moan as I inhale it. “Oh my God, this is the best thing I’ve ever eaten. How is that even possible? Ihatehot dogs.”
He laughs. “I told you.”
It takes a little bad to appreciate the good.
Maybe he was onto something. And maybe the bad I’ve gone through will make me appreciate Caleb that much more if we get back together. It wasn’t perfect with him—there’s a reason we were on the outs by the time I found out I was pregnant. We still won’t go to concerts, we won’t swim at night or ride on a motorcycle, but I’ll remember the pain I went through and make it work somehow.
But there will also be no camping with Beck, no more shared looks at the bar, no moreGame of Thrones. The future I killed myself to move toward suddenly doesn’t appeal the way it’s supposed to. I press a hand to my neck, reaching for the locket.
“What happened to it?” Beck asks, pushing our potatoes farther into the coals. “The locket.”
I can’t believe he remembers. I’m not sure Caleb ever noticed I had it in the first place.
I place another hot dog on my stick. “On my final night at Kent’s, I had this dream,” I begin slowly. “I was in the hospital with Caleb, and we’d had another baby. She looked just like Hannah.”
When I woke, I could still feel her weight in my arms. I can feel it even now. God, it was so real.
He looks at me, waiting for the rest.
“From the moment I realized I could have another daughter just like her, nothing mattered more in the entire world than making it happen. I was still high, but I tried to leave and Kent ripped my locket off my neck. He said it was ‘collateral’ so I’d come back.”
Beck rises to his feet. “Where is this guy? Is he in Elliott Springs or somewhere else?” His voice is a low hiss, tinged with violence.
“Don’t,” I say firmly. “He isnotsomeone you fuck with.”
He raises a brow. “I’m not either.”
“Yeah, except he has guns, and guys who do shit for him.” I pull my hot dog off the stick and throw it inside a bun. “I’ll get it eventually.”
He crouches so that we are face to face. “Don’t go without me, okay? Please.”
“Do you promise no punches will be thrown?”
“As long as none are necessary.”
I laugh. “If you’re going to equivocate, then so will I.Maybeyou can come.”
“You’re a pain in the ass,” he says, smiling, retaking his seat beside me, his thigh brushing mine.
He really isn’t judging me for what I did. He isn’t judging me for losing the last memento I had of my child, her tiny little lock of red hair.
It’s a gift, that lack of judgment of his.
“That’s why you got clean, then? That dream about Hannah?” he asks after a moment.
I nod. I wanted a baby with eyes like hers, staring up at me again. I’d do anything, give up anything, to have that moment...
And for that, I need Caleb. Because my little girl looked just like her dad, and he’s the only way I’ll ever bring her back.
* * *
The potatoes turn out perfectly,just as he promised, and though I’m absolutely stuffed, we roast marshmallows as the night grows colder. I burn those too, so Beck takes over, providing me one that is perfect: crisp on the outside, dripping on the inside. “You’re good at everything,” I groan. “It’s a little unfair.”
His glance slides over to me, a hint of something dirty around his mouth. “Yeah? Tell me what else I’m good at.”
“Carrying stuff.”
He rises, throwing the rest of his water on the fire to put it out. “That’s the most boring thing I’ve ever heard.”
