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My phone begins ringing in my purse just as I’ve climbed in the car and I dive at it, praying that it’s Beck calling to give me one last chance, telling me how to fix this. When I see Caleb’s name instead, the disappointment is overwhelming. I laugh and sob simultaneously at the irony as I let the call go to voicemail. It doesn’t really matter what he has to say. There’s a hole in me Caleb can never fill—he never did in the first place. It was only Beck, the one person who saw anything good in me.
And even he can’t find it anymore.
41
KATE
Kent’s house is at the end of a long private gravel road, hidden from view. The driveway is full of cars, as if there’s a party going on...but there’s always a party going on here at any hour of the day.
I park and walk to the door, already envisioning the way I’ll later tell this story in rehab. I won’t get halfway through before people are shaking their heads, thinkingof course it went bad, you fucking idiot.
I knock and a blonde girl I vaguely recognize answers, staring at me through dreamy, drugged eyes. She’s high as fuck.
“Katie,” she says with a lazy smile, wrapping her arms around me, not entirely supporting her own weight. It doesn’t make me thinkoh, gosh, drugs are bad.
It makes me thinkI wish I was her right now.
I imagine giving in—the bliss, the nothingness. It would feel so fucking good to let go just one more time, and all the reasons for denying myself this are moot. I’m not getting back together with Caleb. I’m not replacing Hannah. I don’t have Beck waiting to provide things I didn’t even know I loved until they were gone. New Kate, the better one who doesn’t do drugs and doesn’t frame people for shit—couldn’t I just be her tomorrow instead of today?
And if she never rises again...well, I’m kind of ambivalent about that too.
There are people everywhere, and music is booming through the speakers. Kent spies me from across the room, and his face breaks into a wide, jubilant smile while my stomach turns with the same disgust I felt every time I woke up with him.
He comes around the big marble island in the kitchen and wraps his arms around me. “I’ve missed you, babe. Welcome home.”
I step back, my mouth a firm line. “I’m not back. I’m just here to get my locket.”
He grins, placing his hands on my shoulders to turn me toward the counter, where lines of coke are laid out on a mirror with machine precision.
My mouth waters at the sight. I want it so bad that I’m already sweating, already desperate.
I want to not hurt. I want to no longer give a fuck about Beck and the thing I saw in his face today, something broken I never, ever wanted to be responsible for. And I don’thaveto feel any of it.
“Dig in, honey,” says Kent in my ear. “You know you want to.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to channel the thing that kept me strong in rehab. Except it was Caleb, and that no longer works. The flavor has been bled from that dream like a piece of gum that’s been chewed too long. His is no longer the face I care about, the one I don’t want to disappoint.
My jaw grinds as I force my reply. “I’m good. I just want my locket. We had a deal.”
“Come on, babe,” he says, rubbing my arms. “Stay and hang out with us. We haven’t seen you in forever.”
“I don’t do that anymore.” My voice is frosty. “I’ve been clean for months.”
“Fuck. You know how good that first line will be after that long without it? I want to be clean for months just so I can see what that’s like.”
He’s right. It’ll feel like heaven. And there’s no reason not to anymore. I’ve got no job to lose, no parents to disappoint, no husband or daughter waiting at home.
No Beck.
“I just want my locket,” I tell him, my voice edgy with craving. He hears the way I’m weakening.
“Okay, babe,” he says, placing his hand on my hip. “Come on. It’s in my room.”
I follow him upstairs, my heart drumming faster than it was. He’s never forced me to do anything, but he neverhadto force me either. Until now, there was always something I wanted badly enough.
He shuts the door behind us when we enter and backs me to the wall.
“I missed you, sweetheart,” he says, tucking my hair behind my ear.
