AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Now that Sammy is happily chatting with her friends—at least I hope they’re friends—I decide to check my email to see if Beth has responded to my message. Hunching over my phone to block the glare on the screen, I sign onto my account. My heart starts to race when I see a message from her. Part of me wants to know what it says, and the other part wants to delete it and pretend I never reached out to her.
If curiosity killed the cat, I’m next. There’s no way I can’t know what’s in this email. I click on the message and read:
Dear Jamie,
I’ve been trying to decide what to do about Samantha ever since accepting the job in Chicago. I know you may find this hard to believe, but there hasn’t been a day in the last twelve years that I haven’t thought of you both.
I did some research a while back and have concluded that my case of postpartum depression was quite extreme. While not bonding with your child appears to be a commonplace enough occurrence in women with wildly unstable hormones, it seems that I also experienced a form of a dissociative disorder.
While I never thought I was someone else, I truly felt I’d stopped being me. I didn’t feel like a mother, or future wife. I simply didn’t experience the emotions I should have been feeling. I was lost and leaving seemed the only way to find myself. So that’s what I did.
In retrospect, I probably should have let you take me to a psychiatrist. I should have trusted that you would have helped me do whatever it took to regain my former sanity. And yet, leaving made me feel less crazy than admitting I was crazy.
I don’t know what I would have done had you not come to see me in London. But I do know this: I was nowhere near ready to come home to you and Samantha. It’s possible I never would have been.
Jamie, you had every right to demand that I make up my mind about being a mother. But at that time, I still wanted nothing to do with either you or our daughter. I was rediscovering myself and I loved only having to be responsible for me. I know how unfair that was to you.
There were many times I yearned to reach out to Samantha over the years. But then I thought about you asking me not to contact her if I wasn’t prepared to be a regular part of her life. My history with postpartum depression made me fear my ability to be a stable force in her world. And, more than anything, I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already had.
Karl already had a son when I met him. I had no history with Fritz, so there was no fear that I couldn’t bond with him. I merely got to know him like I would any other stranger.
The part about the job in Chicago that most interested me was being back in the city where my daughter lived. I could have easily stayed in Europe, but I truly feel the time has come to face the woman who walked away from her family. Even though it’s long past due, I need to accept what I have done, and I need to try to make it right.
I would like to get to know our daughter, Jamie. It’s probably better that you’re in Wisconsin so that we can start out slowly and see where things lead. I don’t want either of you to feel threatened by my reentry into your lives. I don’t want to upset you more than I already have.
I’ll let you know when I arrive in Chicago so we can set up a meeting. Thank you for reaching out, Jamie. It once again proves how lucky Samantha is to have you.
Beth
Even though I’m sitting under the hot sun, my skin feels cold and clammy. Beth wants to know Sammy. Crap. While it’s what I’ve always hoped for, I’m now second-guessing myself.
Sammy has been through a lot lately. So why did I send Beth that email? What did I think would happen?
I suppose I thought she wouldn’t reply and that our lives would carry on as they always had. Beth’s past neglect certainly gave me every reason to believe that would be the case.
The question now is, do I tell Sammy and give her some notice, or do I wait until her mother contacts me again? Assuming she actually does. That’s the thought that makes me decide to wait. I have no confidence Beth will do as she says, so while I wait to find out her true intentions, I will continue to protect my daughter.
I’m so lost in thought that I don’t realize I’m being spoken to until I hear the words, “Dad, are you listening to me?”
I look up from my phone to see Sammy standing in front of me with two other girls. “No, sorry. My mind was elsewhere.”
Sammy points to the blonde girl on her right, “This is Regan.” Then she motions to the other girl. “And this is Cameron.”
“Hi, girls,” I tell them. “Are you both going into the seventh grade, too?”
They nod their heads in unison while Sammy asks, “They were wondering if I could come back tomorrow and meet some of their other friends. Do you think that would be okay?”
“It’s okay with me,” I tell her. “But I thought you were working with Melissa tomorrow.”
“Shoot, I totally forgot!” She turns to address her new friends. “I’ll have to talk to Melissa and let you know.
“Just text us,” Regan says.
Cameron adds, “Our moms are waiting for us in the locker room. So, we need to get going.”
I watch the scene with hopeful eyes as the girls say goodbye. Who knew I’d be right that the country club was going to be such a good place to meet other kids? Look out, Father of the Year; I might be a contender.
When they’re gone, Sammy sits down next to me. “This has been a great day, Dad. Regan and Cameron are really nice. Not at all snotty or bored acting like the girls in Chicago.”
