AllFreeNovel
Share Us
December is a war with myself. Guilt and anger, confusion and need. Everything else blends together in a blur of gray hues and eventual snow.
There are good moments, of course, but even those are tainted. Every time one of the boys does something nice for me, I doubt my plan a little bit more. And every time they fuck me to within an inch of my life, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever find someone else who understands what I need the way they do.
But I can’t give up now—not when I’m so close. As long as I follow through, my plan is basically guaranteed to work. Kellan told me he loves me, and I know he meant it with his whole heart. Cal told me too, which almost broke me. He called me hisfamily,and I’m planning on ripping him to shreds during a time of year that’s already painful for him.
The worst part is that there was a sick, wretched part of me that meant it when I said I love them. My plan when they forced me to move in with them was to embed myself into every possible aspect of their lives. To make it impossible for them to untangle themselves from me, even after I’m gone.
I didn’t realize they’d do the same to me.
I feel sostupid.I wanted to get revenge, not fall in love.
It’ll take a long time to wash myself clean of them once I leave. But I have to do it.I have to.
It’s what the boys deserve. That’s what I keep telling myself, at least. I start a running list in one of my notebooks detailing all the horrible things they did to me, and whenever my resolve weakens, I read through it. It refuels the anger that’s always simmering inside me, making it burn bright again.
The week before Christmas break, I find myself returning to my notebook daily—sometimes multiple times a day. They truly seem regretful of all they did to me. They’ve apologized countless times, and they’re doing their best to pay for what they’ve done.
But it isn’t enough. It never will be—not until they’ve felt the pain I did.
At least, that’s what I tell myself the night after finals while I lay in bed with Cal. He fell asleep almost as soon as I shut the light off, but I’ve been wide awake for almost an hour. It’s been an issue over the past month or so. For some reason, I just can’t sleep well anymore.
Wes and Kellan are out working a job—the last one before winter break begins—but they should be back soon. Thankfully, since Cal opened up to me, he hasn’t been working himself so hard. He’s found other outlets—two, specifically. The first is talking to me about his childhood, and the second is fucking me until we’re both so exhausted we fall asleep.
Bothare equally painful for me. Even though I know I have every right to hurt Cal, I find myself inching closer and closer to the realization that I don’t want to. Maybe if it was at a different time of year, but I’ll be doing this a couple days before Christmas. According to Wes and Kellan, that’s when he’s always at his lowest.
Sex isn’t any better. It’s amazing, but that just makes me wonder if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. I never thought I could find myself attached to these boys, but I am. And god, they know exactly how to treat me in bed. What lines not to cross, when to push me—all of it. They gave me a safe word, but any time I’ve gotten close to using it, somehow they knew, and they backed off.
It’s such an uncanny contrast to how they treated me earlier this semester. There was no respect for my boundaries, my needs, or my wants. They only wanted to break me down until I was at my lowest, only to somehow drag me down further.
But now…
Now, everything is so confusingly different, and a secret part deep inside of me aches for it to be enough.
“I didn’t want to fall in love with you,” I whisper, gently tracing the lines of Cal’s face with my fingers.
He doesn’t move, so I sigh and close my eyes. Finals are over, and I’m so tired I can’t even think straight anymore. I have to try to get some sleep.
Unfortunately, not even two minutes later, I hear the front door banging open. The sound of Wes yelling fills the house, and Cal jolts awake.
“Cal,” Wes hollers. “Get down here!”
“Fuck.” Cal jumps out of bed, fully alert in a split second. He throws on pants before dashing out of the room.
“Cal!”
Cold dread closes around my chest. The way Wes sounds as he keeps yelling for Cal…
He’s scared.
My stomach drops as I realize I haven’t heard Kellan’s voice at all. Tearing the covers back, I grab one of Cal’s hoodies and run after him.
As I fly down the stairs, the boys come into view in the foyer. Kellan is covered in blood, and Wes has some smeared on his skin. They’re both soaked from the rain.
“Kellan got stabbed,” Wes says, holding out Kellan’s arm for Cal to see. There’s a large gash in his jacket, and blood stains the cut skin of his upper arm.
“Notstabbed.”Kellan rolls his eyes. “Just… nicked.”
Based on the amount of blood, he’s obviously lying.
