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His face falls at what I leave unsaid. My return happened so fast, and our emotions are running high. I don’t think I can go back home—not after Wes forced me to admit the truth to himandmyself—but I need to think. False promises would only tear Cal apart more.
“Let me help you,” I murmur, reaching for the soap.
“I can do it.” He grabs his shampoo before I can and squirts some into his palm.
While he washes his hair, I use the soap on his body. It feels good to touch him again—undeniablyright.
My hands run over his tattoos, and my gaze lingers on the one that stands out. When the tips of my fingers brush over it, I ask, “Why did you get this one?”
Cal stares down at the lotus flower on his bicep. “To remind…” He closes his mouth, and I watch the muscles in his jaw clench.
“You don’t have to tell me,” I whisper.
He sighs. “It’s just like you to do this, isn’t it?”
“W-what?”
With a shake of his head, Cal closes his eyes, but not before I see how pained he looks. “I never told you this. Didn’t really let myself think it, either. But you reminded me how strong I can be.You always looked to me for protection, and as I opened up to you about my parents, it… it helped me process it all some. I realized I’ve been through a lot. Alot.And I was proud of myself.Youreminded me that I’m proud of myself for my strength. But then…”
I swallow hard.But then I left.
Cal doesn’t say it, so neither do I.
“One of the things the lotus stands for is resilience,” he continues after a beat of silence. “I got it to remind myself that even though my childhood was hell on earth, I made it out. I started healing, and I learned how to stand on my own.” His fingers brush across the tree on his chest.
“You still can,” I whisper.
“I know,” he says quietly. “Somewhere in me, I know that. I just… I don’t feel it.”
It feels like someone has reached their hand into my chest and is squeezing my heart. The ache intensifies when Cal meets my gaze. His eyes soften, and he runs his knuckles along my jawbone.
I’ve missed him so much.
“How long are you staying?” he asks, probably wanting to change the subject.
“I packed enough clothes for a week. But…”
He tenses.
“Do you want me to be honest with you?” My stomach feels like it’s in knots. “I’m afraid the truth will hurt you more.”
“I don’t want you to lie to me again,” he replies, even as he braces himself. He steps under the water to rinse off.
“I don’t think I can go home,” I whisper. “I thought I got what I wanted, but I’ve felt so lost without you three. Cal, I… there isn’t a single part of me that wants to leave you again.”
“But?” he asks, his voice scratchy and hesitant.
My lips part, my body assuming there’s something stopping me from coming back to them. But no words leave my mouth, and I frown, thinking.
Before, I was worried that I’d grow to resent the boys. I think that would’ve happened if I hadn’t followed through with my plan. Now, though, it feels like the playing field is more even. They hurt me, but I hurt them back. I made them feelexactlythe way they made me feel.
God, it sounds so stupid, but my doubts fall away as I realizethisis what I needed to be able to be with them. I got my revenge. I stole my power back. I don’t feel like I’m at their mercy anymore.
So why can’t I have the boys I’ve fallen in love with? Bullies or not—ex-bullies, I suppose—they’re who I want.
“Thelia,” Cal whispers, trepidation etched into his features.
My smile is watery as I look up at him. “There is nobut.”
