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With a sigh, Wes turns to leave, and Kellan shuts the door behind them.
“Say it again,” Cal mutters. His lips are against my neck, his hands on my torso, moving over my body.
“I love you,” I whisper, tears filling my eyes.
“And you mean it?” His voice wobbles.
“I do,” I tell him. “I loveyou so much, and I never should’ve said otherwise.”
“If you’re lying again…” He takes in a shaky breath. “Thelia, tell me you’re not lying again.”
“I’m not.” My arms come around his neck, and I lean my forehead against his.
He relaxes into me, and my mind whirs. What am I doing? Telling these things to Cal… how am I supposed to leave after this?
But deep down, I know I don’t want to. I know the reason I haven’t been able to sleep is because I’ve been worried about them. I know the reason my grades are down is because my mind is too preoccupied bythem.
I want them.
Very possiblyneedthem.
Life without these three is more painful than I ever thought it would be. As I hold Cal, I realize my love for them runs deeper than I knew. I’ve been doing my best to fool myself into thinking otherwise, but this is where I belong. Maybe it’s fucked up, but it’s the goddamn truth.
“Why don’t you get in the shower,” I tell him gently. “I’ll join you in a couple minutes.”
He runs a hand through my hair. “You’re not gonna disappear on me again, are you?”
“No,” I whisper before pressing a quick, reassuring kiss to his chapped lips. “I promise.”
I hope.
Cal crawls out of bed. His movements are slow and unmotivated, but at least he’s up.
Once he’s closed himself in the bathroom and I hear the water turn on, I change his sheets. It’s only a small step to getting his room back to normal, but I think it’ll help some.
By the time I get into the bathroom, it’s already beginning to fill with steam. I step into the shower to find Cal standing numbly under the water. It doesn’t look like he’s touched the soap or anything yet.
“Hey.” I place a careful hand on his back. “Look at me.”
When he turns to me, his face is scrunched up. I can’t tell his tears from the water, but I know they’re there.
“Cal—”
“I missed you so much,” he sobs. His arms envelop my body, and he leans into me with more weight than I can hold. His breath smells like toothpaste, and I have the faint realization that he must’ve brushed his teeth while the water was warming up. “Thelia, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. About what we did to you, about how we made you feel. How all of this could’ve been avoided if we’d been different.Better.”
“It’s—”
“All I want is for you to be happy,” he continues, ignoring my efforts to stop him. “Happy and with us. I know we don’t deserve it. I know you don’t—”
“Cal!” My shout echoes around the bathroom. I don’t think I’ve ever raised my voice at him before.
He blinks, startled, unsure of what to do or say.
“Stop,” I whisper as I place both hands on my chest. “One thing at a time, okay? I’m here now. I don’t know what’s going to happen from here on out, but for right now, my first priority is making sure you’re okay. Stop thinking about me, all right?”
“How? You’re the only thing that matters to me.”
“That’s not true. No matter what, you’ll always have the guys.”
