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“I better have none, just to be safe.”
Ella rolls her eyes. “Get dressed, Charles, we’re going to a gynecologist,” she announces when I get lost in my thoughts yet again.
“Of course,” I murmur in response. That’s the logical next step isn’t it? When you want to know about upcoming star sightings–to know about the movement of Saturn and the orbit of the earth–you trust an astronomer.
When you’re pregnant, you go to a gynecologist. I walk to my closet in a daze and change out of my pajamas into a loose dress, just in case I actually do have a bump already. We take Ella’scar since I’m not in the right headspace to drive or do anything requiring my full attention right now. The roads and sights blur as we drive through the city. I don’t notice the colorful sights I normally love about Burlington.
We pull into the lot in front of UVM Medical center and get out of the car. A gust of panic suddenly hits me. Do I really want to go in there? Right now, my belly is like the Schrodinger Cat theory. The tests may be right that I’m pregnant, or they may be wrong. But once I walk into that appointment and they tell me it’s true…that’s when it will all become real.
“Can we just walk in and see the doctor? Don’t we need appointments for these things?” I ask Ella.
“We do,” she confirms but before my relief can really settle in she continues, “That’s why I called ahead to make an appointment before we left.”
“What? When did you do that?”
“When you were getting dressed, now come on. No stalling, star girl.”
“D-don’t call me that right now.” That’s what Dad used to call me. She’s also called me that a few times after he died, but I don’t want to think about him right now. What would he think? Would he be disappointed in me?
Ella nods in understanding, then she links our arms and we walk in. There’s a directory by the entrance that says where each department is; after finding the location for obstetrics, we make our way to the elevator.
There isn’t a long wait, and within a couple of minutes we’re inside the doctor’s office. She asks me a bunch of questions and runs some tests.
“Congratulations, Miss Square, you’re twelve weeks along. Which puts your due date in mid-late August. We’ll know for sure after an ultrasound.” She gives me a kind smile which does nothing to soften the blow her news delivers. I already knew,but having it confirmed…and, oh God. There could be two more Leo’s in the family.
Ella squeals in excitement beside me. “Oh my God, thank you so much, doctor. How’s everything? Are mother and child okay?”
The doctor pauses, glancing to and fro between us in question. “It’s fine, she’s my twin sister and knows everything about me, anyway.”
“Everything appears to be fine right now, but you will need to come in for regular appointments to monitor your health and the baby’s growth.”
“There’s just one in there, right?” I ask. Ella and I are identical twins, which is just a fluke occurrence, but Dad had a fraternal twin brother, which means they run in the family. Please no.
“There’s no way to know until we do an ultrasound scan of your abdomen. Would you like to proceed with one today?”
“We can do that now?” I ask, chewing my bottom lip.
“Of course.” She hands me a blanket to cover myself and excuses herself.
My hands tremble as I lie back on the bed, pulling my dress over my stomach and placing the drab, gray blanket over my legs. Of course Ella stays with me the whole time; right now, her presence is the only thing keeping me from crumbling.
There’s a soft knock at the door, and I tell her to come in. The doctor wheels in a weird machine and places it next to the bed. She pats the edge of the bed near her, so I slide over before reclining all the way back, frowning at the cheerful emoticon stickers on the ceiling.
She plops a cool, gel-like substance on my belly and slowly spreads it around with the wand attached to the machine. Then she turns on the screen. Almost immediately, a grainy black and white video appears, and a loud whoosh whoosh whoosh soundfills the air. The baby’s heartbeat. I barely contain a sob as a wave of unexpected emotions washes over me. There’s a heartbeat in my stomach. A tiny human, made by me and Ezra that is all mine. To grow and protect and love for the rest of my life.
I’m simultaneously terrified and honored to be trusted with this enormous gift. A life. As an astronomy buff, I’ve spent countless hours staring up at the night sky, wondering if the stars, in all their wondrous patterns, simply exist or if their design is written to spell out our fate. I’ve always felt the idea of a higher power to be romantic: to think that there is a greater purpose than to simply live and die. Now I know it’s true; I was meant to be this little one’s mother. In this moment, I can’t help but feel like this baby, at this time, is exactly how my life was always meant to play out.
She moves the wand around, so I can see every angle of my tiny, perfect baby. I hold my breath so I can hear the sound, and memorize every beat. I never want to forget this moment. I can feel my heart expanding as my eyes sting with tears. Oh my God, that’s my baby. It’s real. It’s really real.
“Do you hear that, Miss Square?”
My heart clenches, and I hold my breath in fear. It sounds the same, but what’s wrong, what am I missing? I’m too terrified to speak. Clearly my concern is written all over my face because the doctor smiles softly, warmth filling her eyes.
“A second heartbeat,.” she finally explains.
My inability to form words continues to plague me, and I simply stare at her in shock.
“If you look closely you’ll see two embryos. The second baby seems to be slightly behind the first, but they are two alright, and they’re growing right as they should be.”
