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We make it out back to the woods. I trip over something and he catches me. Walking further into the trees, I look over my shoulder, waiting for the explosion I’m expecting. Sebastian stops me to lean against the trees before the opening to the trail that will lead to the car. “There isn’t going to be an explosion, if that’s what you're looking for.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s already suspicious, but at least this shouldn’t be ruled as arson. It is, but it shouldn’t look like it when the fire department comes in to figure out what the fuck happened. It should look like your sister is an idiot. I turned on the stove’s gas burner with a pot of water and moved things slightly in the kitchen, so it looks like they forgot about it.” He scratches his cheek before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his cigarettes, lighting two before handing one to me.
“So, it might burn down?” I know my attitude sucks, but I’m angrier than I thought I’d be. “What the fuck? I need to destroy everyone who wronged me.”
“That’s why we haven’t left.” I glare at him the best I can in the dark.
“So they could escape?”
“Unless they suddenly get really warm, they won’t know there is a fire.” I know this is bullshit, because there were at leastthree smoke alarms in there. He nudges me and hands me the batteries.
“They won’t hear a thing unless something else goes wrong.”
I lower my shoulders and lean my head against his arm. “I’m sorry.” I should have just trusted that Sebastian would have my back, he’s proved that time and time again.
“No saying sorry. I know you wanted an explosion, and I’d usually give you anything you want, but it’s been pretty quick with your family. And I’m worried they are going to hone in on you as a suspect.” He really cares about me, I realize, as I switch my view back to the house.
I inhale a deep drag. Exhaling it, I hope they don’t wake up. I watch the upstairs, any sign of someone being awake. We seem to wait for a long time, but then everything happens at once: flames erupt from the windows and glass shatters. As I watch the orange and yellow colours lick the sides of the house, I feel calm. Black smoke swirls above the house, the shroud of darkness that has always surrounded the house bleeding into the night sky. It’s ironic really, all the pain this place caused, and now it’s being ripped apart by the flames.
“Ready to go?” His voice pulls me from the fantasy I’ve had for decades. Every sin, every word going up in smoke sends vibrations through my body. The feeling when you want something so fucking bad, and it finally happens...it’s heavenly.
I continue to watch. Wood is splintering. The house groans as if the weight of the past is far too much to carry anymore and the fire continues to spread. “If they aren’t dead, we’ll come back for them, but I, for one, don’t want the fire department to come and find you watching this happen.”
After watching the brightness of the fire, I can barely see him through the darkness surrounding us. “You’re right. Let’s go.”
I’ve been in the bath so long my fingers and toes have pruned. Tears line my face and fall into the water, and I can’t explain it. I wanted this to happen. All my life, I have only wanted those who hurt me to suffer. I wanted them to lose their life.
“Drink some water. You’ve been in here for so long, I’m surprised the water is still warm.” Sebastian’s fingers linger in the water, and I refuse to tell him I’ve refilled the tub at least three times. He unscrews the lid and shoves the water bottle at me again. I take it and drink at least half.
“Why are you sad?” he sits on the toilet seat looking at me. Concern drips across his face and I don’t even know what to say.
“I don’t know. Everything is exactly as I wanted it. I guess I still have to grieve, even if this is exactly what I dreamed of.”
“Makes sense. I was pretty fucked up after I killed my dad. I prayed he would die for years. Every time I got closer to eighteen, I thought about how I would do it. Afterwards, I was happy but sad too.” It makes sense, but having to grieve for the people who mistreated you is such a fucked up thing. You shouldn’t have to feel for people who wouldn’t give a second thought about you.
He leaves the bathroom. Once I’m finished drinking the bottle of water, I decide it’s time to get out. I drain the water and pull the towel around myself. After drying off, I slip on a long shirt I pull from his drawer.
“Did you want to watch a movie or something normal tonight?” I ask as I walk into the bedroom, but he isn’t there. Walking down the stairs, my footsteps echo through the empty house. He isn't downstairs either, so I head back up to the bedroom and grab a blanket from the bed. I wrap it around myself as I settle outside on the balcony.
Sebastian walks out of the shed. Without looking up at me, he continues on until I can’t see him anymore. My nerves run wild, the thoughts overtaking me that maybe he is tired of me being here. I haven’t been home to my apartment in ages, and he’s been going out to the shed often.
I’ve fallen in love with a serial killer and now I’m cramping his style. That can’t be something he would take lightly. If I continue to be here, he’s going to get sick of me, just like my mother said. He’s going to resent me and stop loving me, just like they did. Fear bubbles under the surface of my skin and my heart beats faster as I realize they were probably right all along: I’m worth nothing.
“Get out of your head. It’s a scary place in there,” he says as he sits beside me.
I glance over at him, surprised at what he’s wearing. “Are those suspenders?” My eyes drink him in, loose dark jeans, and black suspenders over a white shirt. The colour of his tattoos stand out. He wets his lips, drawing my gaze to his handsome face, the lip ring on his full bottom lip, the hair that falls in his eyes. Fuck, he’s perfect.
“Yeah. Can’t a guy just wear suspenders?” I giggle, looking down at the blanket covering me. Through the opening, I see his shirt that covers my thighs. “You look flawless as usual, don’t worry about it.” He looks out over the yard.
Taking a deep breath, he angles his head to look down at me. “I wanted to do this properly, the real deal, but it turns out we aren’t proper.”
“What do you mean? If I’ve been imposing in your space, you just have to tell me. You don’t have to break up with me.” My heart clenches in my chest, the air disappearing from my lungs, and I worry about his reply. His laugh is light, but this isn’t funny.
“I’m never breaking up with you. There is nothing you could ever do in this life or the next that I wouldn’t forgive you for. You are mine. I wouldn’t be able to live without you. You are everything to me.”
I sigh, “What is it then? You’ve been spending a lot of time in the shed when I’m asleep or busy, I’m worried that I’m just going to impose on you forever. You didn’t ask for me to move right in, but I’ve basically done that. My mother is going to end up being right. You’ll tire of me because I’m not worth the effort.”
