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While he does that, I climb the stairs and then proceed to turn on the water. It isn’t long before he joins me in the bathroom. We stand under the hot water for a long moment before he turns me to wash my hair, and I groan under his fingers massaging my scalp.
“Keep that up and we’ll be going a second round.” Once we’re both washed, he turns off the water and hands me a towel. We dry off and get into bed.
“Do you feel better?” he whispers into my ear, as I’m draped over his body with his arms around me.
I know that for right now, at this moment, everything is perfect. “Yeah, it was just what I needed.”
Days bleed together as they pass. Sebastian goes to work and I’ve spent a lot of time on the roof porch sending emails to my clients and thinking about Jess. I’ve collected enough fines that they will look for me at my apartment soon. As I lay in bed next to his warm body, I realize nothing was ever going to work outfor me. It wouldn’t matter what I did or how hard I tried, no plans were ever going to help me. It wouldn’t matter if I worked harder, or healed more. I’ve been broken since I was a child, and it would take a miracle to put me back together. I’ve been selfish in keeping him tied to me. Our love fills me, but the darkness shrouds me, and as each day passes, the demons in my mind have been taking over all my thoughts.
“It’s almost creepy how much you watch me sleep, you know that?” he doesn’t open his eyes, but his voice breaks me from my thoughts.
“I’ll start the coffee,” I whisper. As I get out of bed and pad down the stairs to the kitchen I fix up the coffee machine and then sit at the kitchen table and light a smoke. Everything feels like too much and nothing at all at the same time.
“Want to get lunch before I go to work, which is apparently soon?” Sebastian walks into the kitchen wearing a dark green shirt with dark jeans. His hair falls over his forehead, but he brushes it back while he stares at me.
“Sure. By the lake?”
A grin forms on his face before he turns to pour us coffee. “Of course, where else?” He places the coffee in front of me and sits across from me, his tattooed hands holding the mug. He scrolls through his phone, and I take in every second I can. The way he fiddles with his lip ring with his tongue, the stubble lining his cheeks, and his dark eyelashes as he looks toward me.
“What’s going on, Marla?” His voice is my favourite sound in the world.
“Nothing, just looking at you.” I plaster the smile on my face, so he doesn’t have to worry about me.
“If you say so, my dove. Go get dressed. We’ll grab tacos and go to the lake.” I stub out my cigarette and take the last swig of coffee.
Once I’m in the bedroom, I grab one of his band tees and pull it on, along with my last pair of clean jeans. Then I put on the earrings he made me and apply red lip stain. Finished, I walk down the stairs.
“If we woke up earlier, we could have breakfast.” He cocks an eyebrow at me, grabbing his sunglasses and keys as we head out the door.
“Who wouldn’t want tacos for breakfast, though? I mean, I think we’re the ones doing the right thing.”
His laugh fills the car as we drive to the same taco place we go to every time. I find it ironic we never tried another restaurant after the first.
I wait in the car while he runs in to get our order and watch him intently as he walks back to the car. I watch his hands as they clench the wheel, and his face as he swings his head to look at me, and drops a kiss on my lips.
When we get down to the lake and sit on the picnic tables, we eat in silence, watching the ducks in the water, swimming in circles. I’m jealous that they know what their purpose is in life, they are born knowing what their life will entail.
“Marla, I’m supposed to have a meeting with the boss tonight after my shift, then I’m off for a few days and I think it would be good to get out of town for a bit.”
“Yeah, sounds great. They are going to be looking for me, though.” I finish the taco and put our garbage into the bag. He links his fingers with mine as we walk back to the car.
“You could just go. I’ll pay all the fines.”
“Do I look like I want them to kill me? Fuck that, I’m not playing by their rules anymore.” His face softens, but he doesn’t say anything, and we walk to the car.
“I didn’t mean to sound insensitive, I just want the best for you.” I look out the window.
“I know you do. I’m just too scared to go back.” He drives us home.“I don’t want you to live a life of fear.”
After we get inside, I go up to lay in bed. Numbness covers me, and I can’t handle the feelings inside of my body. He lies beside me, stroking my hair and running his hand over my arm.
“Are you going to be okay? I gotta go to work, but we’ll do more fun things over the next few days.”
I roll over onto my back, looking up into his eyes, moving my hand to his neck. His touch is gentle but firm, holding me close as we share a passionate kiss.
“I’m good, just tired. I love you. Be safe.” His thumb strokes my cheek, and he leans down for another kiss. “I love you, my dove. Be good.”
Once I hear his car leave the driveway, I grab my notebook and sit on the roof porch. I light a cigarette and think of the message I want to leave. My soul is exhausted, I don’t want to make it another day and I don’t want to crush him by telling him to his face that I don’t deserve him. But the words aren’t on the tip of my tongue. I’ve already messaged my clients to tell them I would be taking a long break. Inhaling a drag, I exhale and stare at the yard.
