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Tears fall down my cheeks. I wanted this to work so badly, but the darkness has consumed me, and I don’t think I can wade out of this sludge this time. Once I’m done writing, I fold the note and put it on the bathroom vanity. Pulling the bottles out of the drawers, I take as many as I can, different cold medicines, sleeping aides, and everything I can think of to make this seem less painful.
I thought stepping into the tub with the blade would somehow liberate me from my mother's legacy, but it only amplified the irony of the situation. However, she is the one who laid the groundwork for this to be my future. If I had a mother that loved me throughout my life, maybe things would have been different.If I could have been stronger, then I could have survived the darkness, the demons in my mind wouldn’t have controlled me. But I’ve reached rock bottom and I know my next destination.
I cut from elbow to wrist and watch the blood trickle faster than any of the cuts I’ve ever made before, while I still have the strength, I press as hard as I can on the other arm and relish in the pain as I lean back and watch the essence that is me trickle into the hollow bottom of the tub.
Twenty-Nine
Sebastian
When I get back to the car after finishing up with all of the clients, my phone vibrates in the front seat. It must have fallen out of my back pocket when I got out of the car. “Steve, what’s up?”
“Mr. Sharp wants to see you. Meet us at 45th Street.”
I wonder what is going on, but as I pull onto the road, I see a nightclub. The moment my feet hit the pavement outside, Steve pulls me into the side door. Darkness surrounds us. There is a private room that we walk to, and the music only beats through the floor and walls instead of being loud as hell.
“Mr. Sharp, good to see you,” I say as I sit across from him. Nerves rumble through my mind, but I keep steady eye contact with him.
“We have a new runner for the downtown core. We want you to stay with the upper crest. You are a great dealer and I hear nothing but good.” I smile as he continues talking.
“You will have fewer hours, but you’ll be getting a pay raise, so it won’t matter. What I want is for you to take this bonus, and take your beautiful fiancé on a vacation. She deserves it for putting up with you. And son, you deserve it for the hard work you’ve done.”
Pride fills me. I’ve never been good at anything. His compliments don’t fly past me and I take them to heart. “Thank you so much.”
He simply nods and looks at Steve. “Go on home now. Have a good time. We’ll be in touch.”
I walk to the car, feeling lighter on my feet, and drive home. I’m excited to surprise Marla with a long trip that she deserves, taking her away from the toxic darkness that surrounds the town, the memories that haunt her, and give her the time away to heal. The lights are on, so I hope she’s still awake. As I make my way through the house, I don’t see her anywhere until I pass the bathroom. Seeing her head propped up, I assume she’s having a bath.
“My dove, great news from the boss. I’m getting a raise and fewer hours. But he wants us to go on vacation. We can leavewhenever you want,” I call out as I empty my pockets onto the dresser.
There is no response and the air is heavy with the smell of metal. I turn to the bathroom, and as I reach her, I see what I’ve always feared.
“NO! FUCK! Marla, my Dove,” I shout as I drop to my knees beside the tub. The amount of blood covering her lower body gives me answers I don’t want. Tears cloud my vision as I do whatever I can to wake her up. Shaking her doesn’t wake her up and I know she’s not even here anymore. My fingers lower to her neck, the skin soft, but her pulse is gone.
I stand up and put my fist through the wall.
If I had just realized earlier today that she wasn’t okay, I could’ve been here when she needed me. I could have saved her. I shove the empty pill bottles off the counter, realizing she would have passed out if she had taken these. The small comfort it brings me knowing she wouldn’t have been in agony when she passed is like a band-aid that’s too small for a cut.
There is a folded-up note on the counter. I open it and sink to the ground. Looking at her peaceful face, her eyes are closed and the sorrow is gone from her mind. But my heart has shattered. There isn’t enough room left in my body for the amount of pain I feel. I look at the note and read.
Sebastian
My whole life, I just wanted someone to notice me. For someone to not push me into the background. Then you walked into my life and never left, and I couldn’t have asked for anyone better. I only wish we could have met sooner, maybe then I wouldn’t have been so broken. My pain leaks onto everyone I touch, and my mother’s words will always ring in my ears, telling me I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve love because I’m simply not good enough for anything.
Thank you for coming into my life when I needed you, because I would have been gone much sooner if it hadn’t of been for you. Thank you for helping me rid my life of the toxic waste that poisoned me from an early age. You showed me what love looks like, the one thing I thought I would never have. You blessed me with so many memories, things to remember as I pass to the next life.
I love you so fucking much and I’m so sorry that I have to leave you, but you deserve better than what I can give. I could never love as much as I think you deserve, and I hope you find someone that could light up your life like you did for me. The darkness has consumed me. I’ve been fighting for so long, and it was something that was just going to happen eventually. I’m so sorry for entering your life and for any pain that my absence will cause, but I can’t fight anymore. I’m so fucking tired. You are such an amazing man. You are handsome and you gave me everything I could have asked for. I wish it didn’t have to end this way. I love you so fucking much and I’m sorry.
Until we meet again,
Your Wren… I know stupid.
Marla xo.
Tears stream down my face. I push the note back up onto the counter, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. I can’t do this without her. I wish I could go back in time and love her harder and prove to her that she was enough for me.
As I stand up, I know she’s gone, but I’m not ready to say goodbye. I pick her up, cradling her in my arms as I bring her to the bed, and I lay down next to her and hold on to her until I can breathe again.
“All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be mine, to fix your broken pieces, and for us to live a life together forever. I wish I could have loved you longer.” After a while, she’s cold. It hurtsmy heart if I have any piece of one left, but I wrap the blanket around her and fall asleep holding her close to me.
