AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Her hands come to my chest and she gives me as much of a smile as she can muster. “Yes. I had so much I wanted to say to you tonight. I thought we’d eat dinner, talk, then I’d have my—shit.”
“What?”
She walks around me and pulls her phone out of her bag, typing furiously. “I had my first therapy appointment tonight, and I missed it.”
“Therapy?” I ask, happily surprised by that. It seems mean to say someone needs therapy, but the more I learn, the more I think we all need therapy.
She nods. “I need to learn how to process everything I’ve been through, but also how to break it into manageable chunks, so everything else doesn’t eat away at me while I do. I don’t want to be overwhelmed every second.” She steps closer again, running her hand over my cheek. “I don’t want to push you away. I don’t want to hurt you or our daughter.”
I rest my hand protectively on her stomach. “You’re not hurting her.”
“What about you?”
“It hurt thinking you might not want me. Or a future together. But I know I’ve hurt you by acting the way I have. I’ve pushed you for selfish reasons. Been too controlling.” I laugh. “I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. It’s next week. I need to work on my shit too.”
“Your shit?”
I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and kiss her forehead. “I want to be your protective, bossy baby daddy. I don’t want to be an anxious, controlling asshole.”
“You’re never an asshole,” she whispers. “You have the biggest, kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. I’m sorry I’ve been shutting you and your love out. Everything just felt like too much and the way you love me… you crack my heart open, and it’s impossible to breathe.”
“Then let me be your air. Feel that rush of pain, then let me hold you through it until you find some peace. I never wanted to fix things. I just wanted you to let me be your safe space for whatever you were feeling at that moment.”
“I was afraid to feel anything. I thought the pain would consume me, and I’d never make it out.”
“I’m your lifeline. You never have to worry about getting lost. I’ll always be here to pull you to safety.”
“You are my safety,” she whispers. “I’ve been stupidly pushing that away and living in fear instead. I’m scared of my pain, scared to lose again, scared I’ll become my mother. I’m tired of being scared.” She laughs. “This is why I need therapy.”
I smile at that and pull her into my arms. “We both have things to work on, but we can hold space for each other and love each other through it. At the end of the day, I want to know I’m safe in your arms, and I want you to feel the same. I’m going to do the work I need to on myself, but I promise you I’ll stop trying to fix and control things. I’ll sit quietly and listen as long as you promise to stop shutting me out. Feel whatever you need to, just don’t shut me out anymore.”
“I don’t want to. And I’m going to work hard not to.” She lets out a shaky breath. “I’m starving and exhausted. And…”
“What baby?”
Tears spill out of her eyes, trailing down her cheeks. “You said you’d hold me through it. I need that because I’m coming apart at the seams.”
“I’ve got you,” I whisper, sweeping her into my arms and carrying her to the bedroom. Food can wait until she’s settled. I strip her down and get her into comfortable clothes, then tuck her into bed. I yank my work clothes off and climb under the covers with her, wrapping her in my arms. She collapses against my chest, letting out all the hurt and exhaustion from the day as I hold her. Emotions ping-pong around inside me, but it doesn’t bother me. No matter how difficult today—and the last week—has been, I know we’ll be okay, and I’m going to do everything I can to be the best partner for her and father for our child. We both have our work cut out for us, but I guess this is what Ma meant when she said relationships are work. Now I think work is the wrong word. That makes it sound negative. It’s tending to and nurturing ourselves, each other, and our love.
“What happens if I forget her one day?”
“Your mom?”
“Our daughter.” She wipes her eyes. “I started writing her letters just in case.”
My heart clenches at those words. It’s scary to wonder if Amelia might have Alzheimer’s some day. It would never stop or change my love for her. And I hope I’ll be a part of her life for so long she’d never forget me, but seeing the way her mother suffers—and Amelia in relation to that—I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I hope it won’t be our future.
“In your heart, I don’t think you ever could. But I promise you, our daughter will always know you. She will know how deeply you love her. I’ll make sure of that.”
“What if something happens to you? My dad… I know he would’ve made the same promise.”
I run my fingers down her arm. “We don’t know how life will unfold, but our girl will never be alone. You didn’t have a family surrounding you to help you, but we do. She will too. I know you’re scared. I think I’m scared of everything right now. The world feels scarier than it ever has before bringing this little person into it.” I rest my hand on her stomach.
“I was going to talk to my doctor—and maybe my therapist—about genetic testing to see if I might end up like my mom, but I keep changing my mind.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure if it would be better to live life knowing it’s going to happen or wondering. People always say it’s better to know. I remember my parents saying that when we were waiting on test results when my dad had cancer the last time. After we found out, my mom broke down crying when my dad was out of the house, saying she thought knowing would help but given the outcome, she wished she could go back to not knowing for just a few more hours. There was still hope.”
