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Miles staggers into the living room a couple of hours later.
“What time is it?” he asks, plopping onto the couch next to me and rubbing his eyes. Emmie is chowing down and I’m watching TV. I was worried I’d struggle with maternity leave, but I’m enjoying the down time and quiet moments. I’ve spent so much of my life—especially the last few years—moving quickly. It’s nice to slow down now.
“A little after twelve. But really, what is time with a newborn?”
He laughs, then kisses my cheek. “Thanks for letting me sleep.”
I pause the TV and shift on the couch so I can look at him. “You’re not taking care of yourself.”
He scoffs a little. “As you just said, she’s a newborn. Schedules and lots of sleep aren’t really their jam.” He tickles her tummy. “That’s why she’s so cute to make up for it.”
With my free arm, I reach for his hand. “I know, but you’ve been going beyond what’s needed. I appreciate you letting me rest and heal, but you need to rest, too, or you’re going to burn yourself out. I feel like I need to ask… are you doing this simply because you’re my sexy, protective baby daddy? Or are you doing this out of anxiety?”
He opens his mouth, then closes it again. Finally, he says, “I don’t think it’s because of my anxiety.” He sighs. “But maybe it is. I always want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Your body just went through trauma, and you need to heal.”
“I love you. And I appreciate the way you take care of me, but you have needs too.”
He shakes his head. “Nah. I’m a robot.”
“You’re okay, though?”
He nods. “Yeah. I am. I’m really thankful for those meds because I know where my anxiety would be without them. And they’re not a magic fix. Sometimes when I put her down, I get up right away to check on her. If I wake up to pee and she hasn’t cried recently, I make sure she’s breathing. Sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep if my brain hyperfocuses on her and if her swaddle could come undone or cover her face. Little things, but they happen from time to time. Taking care of Emmie and you… it’s my favorite thing to do.” He kisses my neck. “I’m obsessed.”
I let out a little groan. “I wish you could take care of me like that.” Three weeks down. Three to go until we can get the all-clear from my doctor to have sex again. I didn’t think I’d want to have sex soon after giving birth, but it turns out, Miles being an incredible father gets me all hot and bothered. I’m ridiculous. I laugh at myself. “You know, things like that are what used to make me think you were a unicorn. Or an alien.”
He stills, squinting at me. “You thought I was a unicorn?”
My cheeks heat, and I shrug. “It’s silly—”
“No.” He laughs. “I used to call you my unicorn girl. I always said when I found the girl who made me stop in my tracks, I’d know it and go for it. That she’d be my unicorn girl and I wouldn’t make the mistake of not going after her. That’s you, Ames. My unicorn girl.” He shakes his head. “That’s why I came back to your door that morning. Somewhere inside me, I knew. We were meant to meet. Meant to connect. Meant to be.” He kisses me softly again.
Emmie unlatches, her little mouth hanging open in her milk-drunk state.
“Meant to be a family,” I whisper, looking down at her.
He moves closer as I prop Emmie on my shoulder and pat her back. “Always. To answer your earlier question, I’m better than okay. I’m dealing with my anxiety in healthy ways as much as I can. And I’m exhausted sometimes, but we’re still figuring this all out, and that’s okay.” He kisses my cheek, then laughs as Emmie lets out a loud burp. She’s still sleepy, so I prop my feet up on the coffee table and rest her on my chest. “How are you doing?” Miles asks me.
I look down at the sweet little girl on my chest, then over at him. “I’m enjoying these beautiful moments.” Given that three months ago, that felt like an impossible feat—to enjoy the beautiful moments and not believe pain was waiting on the other side of them so it could clobber me—I’m taking my ability to sit back and truly revel in this time as a win.
“Good,” he says, kicking his feet up on the coffee table and wrapping an arm over my shoulders. “That’s exactly how it should be.”
He kisses my cheek, then grabs the remote and hits play.
I could get used to this.
Even better than that, those words don’t scare me anymore. Not just I could get used to this. I am used to this. I love what my life has grown into.
Mackenzie
I laugh as I read the text Miles just sent me after I asked him how parenthood was going.
Miles: Almost fell asleep standing up in the bathroom this morning.
Me: Hope you weren’t peeing.
Miles: Thank fuck, I was not.
I shake my head, still laughing, and turn my phone screen off.
