AllFreeNovel
Share Us
My eyes drift to the door. Mari should be here any minute. She was supposed to be here over an hour ago, but her mentor asked her to stop by last minute, and she didn’t want to say no.
I love that she’s passionate about her career. I wish I had that same passion for something, but I haven’t found it yet. I try not to live in the negativity of that because it weighs me down when I do, but the longer I work at the bakery with my mother while living above it, the harder that gets. It makes me wonder if I don’t know myself if I can’t figure out a career that drives me.
Everyone in my life is driven and doing something they love or are good at or both. Most of them figured it out in college or even earlier. I studied public services with a minor in business in college. I thought that would give me tons of options from nonprofit work to anything business related, and I guess it did. The problem is, every time I look at a job listing, I feel nothing. Not even a shred of excitement. And while I like working at the bakery with my mom, it’s also not enough.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a vet, but as I got older, I hated the medical side of things and everything it would take to get through school. I didn’t hate school, but I didn’t enjoy it either, and really the animals were what I enjoyed, not the idea of being a vet. If there was a job where I could play with furry little friends all day and get paid decently for it, that would be perfect. But there’s not, so I’m just here. Flailing. Floundering. Flopping.
Stop this train of thought.
Just fucking breathe.
It’s good Mari is focused and passionate, though sometimes I wish she was as passionate about our relationship. I mean, it’s good. Great. We have phenomenal sex. I feel all the passion in the bedroom. She’s smart, a great listener, and extremely supportive. We’ve said we love each other, and I mean it. I am in love with her. It’s not exactly how I thought it would be, but I think that’s because I only have Hyla to compare it to, and we had a lifelong friendship first. You can’t expect to have that depth with someone you’ve only known for a little over a year.
But I’m happy. It’s so easy with us, and I’m grateful for that. We just decided to move in together last week. Mari had gone back and forth since my place is farther from the college where she goes to school and works on campus, but her place comes with three roommates, so here is the better idea. And as she put it, this way we won’t have to schedule time because she’ll be coming home to me every night.
My stomach whirls at that thought. I’m excited for this. It’s a big step, but one I’m ready to take.
I glance over at the door again, and as I do, it swings open, and Mari walks in, vibrating with energy.
“Hey, is everything okay?”
“Yes. Well. Kind of. I—”
I cross the room to her and grab her hand. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I got an opportunity—internship kind of. Actually, it’s more like a program.”
“Okay, what kind of program?”
“I get to travel to other countries—especially third world ones—to learn about ways they’re generating power or new farming techniques or how they’re handling water scarcity. The group I’m with will be collaborating with them on some things. We’re starting in Africa.”
I smile at that. “Sounds like everything you’ve been wanting to do.”
“It is. I’ve known about the program for almost a year. I applied to it months ago, but since it was incredibly selective, I didn’t get in. But I made the waitlist. They never even told me that, but I guess I did. My mentor knows the director, and that’s why he called me today. They had two people drop out, and they needed to know if I could step in. I have to spend the next week packing and figuring out all the shots I need, and—”
“When do you leave?”
“In ten days.”
“Wow. That’s fast, but exciting,” I say, squeezing her hand. “How long is it for?”
She bites her lip and looks down for a moment. When she looks back at me, an unsettling feeling hits. “A year.”
I let go of her hand and step back, suddenly feeling like I’m in a vacuum. It’s hard to breathe. I don’t—she’s leaving for a year?
“A year?” I choke out. “You’re leaving in ten days for a year! And you didn’t think to even talk to me about that first?”
“I had to make a split-second decision—”
“Bullshit.” I take another step back, my heart splintering and my anger flaring. “This wasn’t a split-second decision. Nothing involving your career ever is. There was no decision. You knew the second your mentor told you that you were going to go. Didn’t you?”
“Mackenzie.” She steps toward me, but I move back farther.
“No. I can’t believe…” I trail off, shaking my head at myself. At what an idiot I’ve been. Somehow, somehow, I chose another person who didn’t choose me. Who couldn’t. Fuck, that hurts. I let out a shaky breath, trying not to cry, but it’s fruitless. Tears come. Hot tears that sting my pride and prick at my heart.
Mari lunges forward, reaching for me, but I move away, walking around the other side of the couch.
“Did it even give you pause? Was there a moment where you stopped and even considered me?”
