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He kisses me again, then leans back against the couch, wrapping an arm around me. “How are you doing?”
I rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. Part of me wants to hide in bed all day. Another wants to put on videos of him and fill the house with memories of him. Let Emmie hear his voice.”
“Whatever you need to do, we’ll do it. And if you want, I’ll get you a bag full of McDonald’s cheeseburgers.”
Tears fill my eyes again. “Crap. Maybe you do love me more.”
He laughs. “I love you both with everything inside me.”
“Same.” We’re silent for a few moments before I finally say. “I’m tired.”
“It’s getting close to three in the morning. We all need sleep.”
“If only we could convince her of that.”
“Let’s take advantage of it while we have it.”
With that, he wraps an arm around me and leads me back to the bedroom, setting Emmie in the bassinet, then snuggling in bed with me and pulling the covers over us.
My heart is heavy, but it’s full of love, too. However hard tomorrow may be to face, I’m grateful that for the first time in a long time, I won’t be going through it alone.
I can do this.
My hands tremble as I plug the USB into the Blu-ray player.
This is the only video I haven’t watched. The one I’ve been afraid to replay. Partly because I’m afraid to see him so sick, but mostly because I don’t remember it. I remember wanting one final video, but I have no memory of what happened in it.
I walk back to the couch and drop onto it, nestling against Miles, who is holding Emmie against his chest. He wraps his arm around me and grabs the remote.
“If it’s too much, we can stop,” he reminds me.
“I know, but…” I breathe out a shaky breath. “I need to do this.”
He finds the file and pushes play, and I brace myself. All the bracing in the world doesn’t help, though. My eyes fill with tears when I see his frail, gaunt frame on the screen. I actually gasp at the sight, and Miles pauses the video.
“You don’t have to hurt yourself like this,” he whispers.
I glance up at him, taking in the concern and love in his eyes. I have no doubt that if he could protect me from this pain, he would. “I hope it won’t just hurt. I hope it’ll heal too. Someday I want to be able to watch this without breaking down—to show Emmie this and find some joy in these videos. That means I have to get through it first.”
He nods and kisses my forehead, then presses play again.
My mom enters the frame and memories of the moment rush back to me. I talked to her beforehand and told her I wanted this video of us. The three of us. I wanted it for this reason. To look back on and show any future children.
I join the two of them on the bed. My dad wraps his arm around me and, with great effort, leans over and kisses my head.
Snuggling closer to Miles, I pull my knees up to my chest. Tears fill my eyes as I watch the video unfold. Nothing really happens, yet everything happens. It’s a video filled with love and longing and desperation. Goodbyes. In so many ways, this video was a goodbye. Goodbye to my father, to the family unit I grew up with, the person I used to be.
Though I’m utterly sobbing, I take Emmie from Miles, snuggling her against my chest as I stand up and walk over to the TV. I shift her in my arms and point to the screen.
“That’s your grandma and grandpa.” On the screen, they’re whispering to each other. “They love you so much, and no matter where you are, their love will always be with you.” I kiss her head and hold her closer. “Just like I will.”
“Like we both will.” Miles wraps his arms around us and kisses Emmie’s head. She looks extra tiny next to him. “And we’ll make sure you know all about your grandparents.”
Thank you, I mouth, looking up at him.
He kisses my temple, then stands with me as we watch the final moments of the video.
It wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be, though seeing my dad like that takes me back to those final days.
