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“I promise I won’t. Not like that. I might not always be ready to talk right away, but I’m still… dealing with it. I wasn’t before. In fact…” I take the pump from him. “Can you grab my journal? The one you got me?”
He gives me a soft smile. “Of course.” With a squeeze of my thigh, he heads down the hall, returning a moment later with the beautiful journal he got me.
He sits down again and tries to take the hand pump back, but I nod to the journal in his hand. “Open it to the fifth page.”
He looks at me, uncertain. “Are you sure? This is private.”
“I want you to. Please.”
“Okay.”
He opens it up. The first page is blank with folded pages from the journal I’d originally started writing in paper clipped there. He flips forward until he sees yesterday’s date. Glancing at me one last time, he starts reading.
As he reads, he rests his hand on my thigh, gently squeezing it. He smiles and brushes his thumb over my leg. When he’s finished, he turns to me with glassy eyes.
“I’m glad you’re doing this.”
“It helped more than I thought it would. And everything I wrote in there was true. I’m so lucky to have you, and this moment notwithstanding, I’m happy. Overall, I’m happy. Happy with our life together. Don’t be afraid to ask me how I am. I might not always have the answers, but it’s not because I’m hiding. It’s because I’m taking time to process.”
He slowly breathes out, then kisses my cheek.
“That’s good. I admit, I was worried. I started overthinking and second-guessing.”
“Second-guessing?”
“Whether you wanted this. Whether we’re strong enough. After thinking through things myself and now talking to you, I know that’s not the case, but I guess it felt like our love bubble popped, and it made me nervous. Nervous we were rushing and not ready to get married.”
I pull Emmie, who is almost asleep, off my boob and rest her on my shoulder, then pull the hand pump off. Miles sets it on the table, and as soon as he leans back against the couch, I take his hand and squeeze, looking into those emerald eyes that are filled with vulnerability. “I want to marry you. And I don’t think we’re rushing. I think we’re working hard to keep building our relationship stronger. No relationship is perfect. It’s always a work in progress. I’d rather have a lifetime of imperfect moments with you than one perfect day with anyone else. That’s what matters. It’s not about us having it all figured out. It’s about committing to each other and our relationship, whether things are perfect or far from it. Our commitment to each other will see us through. I’m sorry I made you question it.”
He kisses my cheek, then runs his hand over Emmie’s head, looking into my eyes. “I understand why now.”
“I know, but I don’t ever want you to question my love. This little bubble we’re in with Emmie is warm and cozy, but I think we need to venture out again. Just the two of us.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think we need to start dating again. Refocus on who we are as a couple, not just as new parents. Maybe every couple of weeks or once a month. But this time I’m planning some of them.”
“You don’t need to—”
“Shut up. Yes, I do. You planned beautiful dates that made me feel special and loved. You should feel that way, too. So we’ll take turns planning them. We have plenty of people who would happily steal Emmie for a few hours.”
“Shh,” Miles says, looking around. He grabs his phone and checks it, then looks at the door.
“What are you doing?” I whisper.
“Waiting for my mother to appear. I assumed she bugged the apartment so she’d know the second we were ready for a babysitter.”
I laugh at that. “It wouldn’t surprise me. Katie, if you can hear us, please wait to storm the apartment until morning.”
We get lost in a fit of laughter that goes until Emmie startles in her sleep. I quickly rock her in my arms and she drifts back off. Miles rests his head against mine, still smiling, then kisses me.
“Love you.”
“I think I love you more,” I tell him.
He shakes his head. “Nope. Not a chance.”
“Well, we’ll see how you feel after our date.”
