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“Son of a…”
“It continued. So much that he didn’t even try to hide it from my mom anymore. She knew it was happening. He’d do it to me with her in the same bed.” Tears fell down her face, the warmth on her skin as she rehashed her past. “When I turned fifteen, I ran away. I got out of there. Dropped out of school and lived on the street. That’s when I got hooked on drugs and alcohol. Started having sex to make money for the drugs. I hated the sex part. All I could think about was my stepdad. And then I got pregnant. I couldn’t support a child and wasn’t willing to stop using, so I had an abortion.”
Michael hugged her tightly, his arms a forcefield against the evil world around them. “I’m so, so sorry, Haize. I’m sorry you went through that.”
“Do you hate me because I had an abortion?”
“No. Not at all. Please, don’t ever think I’d hate you for anything that has happened to you.”
“I think about it a lot. Was it a boy or a girl? They’d be a teenager now, and I wonder if we would’ve gotten along. If they’d be athletic or book smart. It keeps me up at night sometimes, thinking about it. I feel guilty, but I know it was the right thing to do. I got locked up a few times. County jail, but nothing ever went felony level. My aunt came around. She took me in and got me clean. She saved me. I got sober and had a few relapses, but I’ve been clean for years. Put myself through school, started running AA meetings, and the rest is history.”
“What happened to your mom and stepdad?”
“No idea. They never even tried to look for me.”
“Is your aunt your mom’s sister or your dad’s sister?”
“My dad’s. She finally told me what happened to him. He died in a wreck a few years ago. She always tried to get him to reach out to me, but he never did. I’m not sure I’d be open to it, anyway. I can’t respect a man who abandons his child.”
“Thank you for sharing your story with me, Haize. I’m so sorry.” His finger traced in circles on her shoulder. “Any person who messes with a child just makes me so mad.”
“I’ve never had healthy relationships with men. I was either being sexually abused or used so I could make some money. I haven’t had a true relationship, ever. That’s one of the reasons I hesitated with you. Not that I thought you’d be that way with me, but simply because I don’t know how a healthy sex life works. How it should be. Please don’t take that personally.”
“Did you feel pressured to sleep with me?” His voice shook as he asked it, his embrace pulling slightly away from her.
“Not at all, Mikey. If I felt pressured or didn’t want it, I would’ve gotten away from you. I would’ve shut down. There have been men in my past who wanted to be with me, and I froze up. They weren’t bad men. I didn’t even want their hands on me. I’m not sure what changed with you, but I didn’t freeze up. I wanted it all. That must mean something, right?”
“It does, though I’m not sure what. I’ll take it as a good thing, though.”
“I’m not the pure, sweet girl you thought, am I?”
“You’re amazing, Haize. And you should’ve never gone through any of that. I don’t even know your mother, and I hate her. If I ever run across her or your stepdad, I’m not sure I would be able to control myself. It makes my blood boil.” He balled his fists up and clenched his jaw. “If you ever don’t want me to touch you, or you’re uncomfortable, please tell me. I don’t ever want to make you feel that way. I never want to hurt you.”
“And I don’t want you to ever be scared to put your hands on me. I want it to feel as natural as our first time. Don’t be scared. There’s something different about you, and I feel free to make love to you and release my past and all the unhealthy relationships I’ve had.”
He ran his hand up and down her back, sending a chill through her. What was so different about him? How come she didn’t freeze up? She wanted him. Every inch. Every touch. His mouth all over her.
“Look at your comeback, Haize. Clean and sober. Helping people like me. Not too many can say they’re successful like that after a bad past.”
“And look at you. I know yours is rocky, too. It’s your turn. Tell me your story.”
Michael’s heavy hand rested on the small of her back as he looked up at the ceiling. Haize waited patiently, not wanting to rush him. She knew he’d tell her, but he probably had to gather all the thoughts in his mind before he was able to speak about it. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Maybe his talking about it would make him relapse. But maybe not – part of recovery was talking about it to the people you trusted… did he trust her?
“My mother was a prostitute. I’m the product of one of her nights at work. I never met my father. She had no idea who it could be due to all of her…” He licked his lips and continued to stare up at the ceiling. “All of her clients, I guess you could say. That’s why I’m so terrified to be a father to Jace. I’ve already talked to you about that.”
“Yeah, you did. The fact that you’re even considering it tells me you’re going to do your absolute best. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be worried about it.”
Michael nodded. “I have a little brother. You met him at one of the meetings. His name is Mitch. Same story. We have different dads. We were both conceived the same way. He’s got issues just like I do. Alcoholism, drug use, all of it. He’s never done any prison time, but he’s been locked up in jail a time or two.”
Haize took his free hand in hers, intertwining her fingers in his. His sandpaper palms were comforting, along with his hand on her back. One thing she learned as a counselor was to let the other person talk. Don’t chime in with your personal stories or try to relate to them. It was his turn to tell his story, and he didn’t interrupt her when it was her turn.
“Mom was never around. She was a drug addict too. We lived in a rundown trailer house. I ran wild. There was no one there to control us. I started using when I was eleven. I hung out with the wrong crowd, but they were more of a family to me than my real family. I stole, fought, drank… all of it. Dropped out when I was in eighth grade. The school expelled me, and I just never tried to go back. Mom didn’t give a shit. Mitch followed me. He’s only eleven months younger than me.”
“I lost my virginity when I was fourteen. She was older – in her late twenties. She was the sister to one of the guys who took me under his wing with the drugs and stealing.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Bear with me for a second. This is the part not too many people know.”
“Take your time, Mikey. It’s okay.” She rested her leg on his, their skin-on-skin contact a security blanket for both.
“He found out about it. Got mad.” A tear ran down his cheek, down to his lips. “Beat me up real good. Raped me…” He released his hand from Haize’s and wiped his eyes with his palm. “Fuck… I haven’t said this out loud in years.”
