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I feel, deep down, like I’m partially to blame for what happened. I should have shown my concern for him sooner. I should have tried harder to help him. And I feel terrible for letting the Bratva conflict come between us. What do their stupid territory lines have to do with us anyway?
We should have stayed out of it entirely.
Instead, I spent so much precious time with my brother arguing over the stupidest things.
I could have been protecting him, supporting him. Maybe, if I hadn’t been so obstinate about staying friends with Pyotr Veles, Ben would have been more open to my concerns about Mikhail and the dangerous crowd he commands.
“Knock knock.”
Glancing up from the photo of me and Ben on the beach in Long Island, I meet my dad’s tired eyes. He looks like he’s aged a decade in one day, and it breaks my heart to see him so lost.
“How are you settling in?” he asks softly.
“Fine, Dad. Thanks.” I attempt a smile, but my cheeks are too stiff, my lips too heavy.
He nods, attempting his own smile, but we both fall short. “Mom says dinner’s ready.”
I don’t know how she can even think about food. I feel like I might vomit anything I eat right now. “Okay.”
He gives a nod, then pauses, as if unsure whether he should wait for me.
“I’ll be right down,” I assure him.
“Okay, honey.” He hesitates another moment, then seems to make up his mind. Striding into my room, he grasps my shoulders and pulls me close, wrapping me in a hug. “I’m glad you’re home,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
“Thanks, Dad,” I whisper around the knot in my throat. My eyes sting, though I have no more tears to give.
I’m grateful I have somewhere to call home. Grateful I have a home to go to. Parents who are willing to take me back after the horrible mistakes I’ve made.
My heart aches to know just how terrible my decision was to trust Efrem, to hand my fate over to him so willingly. I never should have taken Ben’s warnings lightly. I trusted that the Pyotr we grew up with could never be capable of the atrocities my brother was so convinced he’d done.
And it didn’t help that Mikhail made it so easy to side with Pyotr and Efrem.
But now I can see the big picture.
We never should have trusted any of them.
This home, this family, that’s all I have to trust.
My parents are the only ones who will look out for me now that my brother’s gone.
“I love you, honey,” Dad says, giving me an extra tight squeeze before releasing me.
And his words draw me back to that moment in the park today. When Ben said he loved me. He knew. He knew he wasn’t going to make it, and he wanted to make sure he made things right with me before he left.
I’m glad I had the chance to tell him I love him too.
If this day has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know if I’ll get another opportunity to share how I feel with the people who mean so much to me.
“I love you too, Dad.” Looking up into his eyes, I find them glassy with tears.
He clears his throat of emotion and nods. “I’ll see you downstairs.”
Watching my dad leave, I can see the sad hunch in his shoulders, the way my brother’s death has broken him. Broken him like it’s broken me.
In the solitude of my bedroom, I look back down at my brother’s sweet face. I don’t know how I’m supposed to carry on without him.
But the anger that wells up inside me might be the only thing that can get me through. My anger at Efrem and Pyotr for taking my brother from me. I know I can’t lay the blame entirely on Efrem.
