AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Again, I shake my head, my mind blank, my heart hammering in my chest as my emotions break through my fog of numbness for the first time in days.
“Very well. I’ll give you a moment. The nurse will be back in with the literature you might want to look over. I know that, for a young woman of your age especially, an unplanned pregnancy can be… daunting. So if you have questions, we have staff counselors you can speak with.”
“Th-Thank you,” I breathe, trying to keep my heart from escaping with my words.
Dr. Hartley gives a polite nod and departs, leaving me alone a moment later.
I stare openly at the door he exits through, unable to control the emotions crashing through me. Fear hits me first and foremost, a deep, desperate anxiety as I realize I’m utterly alone in this decision. I’m not ready to have a baby. Am I? I wish Efrem were here. He would know what to do, how to put my mind at ease, and make this feel more bearable.
Then my hysteria rises to the surface once more. That laughter that comes bubbling up through the cracks in my sanity. This time, it stems from a memory that echoes toward me as if from the distant past. It’s a conversation Efrem and I had after the first time we had sex.
I’d assured him we didn’t have to worry about using condoms because my parents had put me on birth control when I turned sixteen.
I’d made a joke of it at the time, mocking my parents’ reasoning. It would be far too big of a scandal if I got pregnant before I got married or—god forbid—as a teenager. I don’t think I would ever hear the end of how it could end my dad’s career.
How ironic that I managed to cover both taboos in one go. Pregnant at nineteen and with no man to even consider marrying. This is going to devastate them.
My hysteria fades as quickly as it came, my churning emotions washing away my humor as a new and overwhelming one takes its place.
Because as the memory of Efrem lingers in my mind, I think of his soft blue eyes filled with gentle concern. And my heart floods with warmth.
I’m terrified, on the brink of tears as my life somehow manages to unravel further. And yet, a deep, resounding love consumes me as I look down at my tummy. I place a palm over it, thinking about the tiny life growing inside me.
This baby is all I have to remember Efrem by, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I want to keep it. That I’ll treasure this last gift from Efrem. Always.
35
DANI
The thought of telling my parents I’m pregnant is a daunting one. It fills me with a dread that sharpens my mind, clearing my senses that have felt dull and numb for far too long. It’s a childish response, I know. I’m an adult now, perfectly capable of making my own decisions.
But I also know I can’t do this alone. I have no job, no money outside of what my parents have given me, and no place to call my own. Even if I dropped out of school today, I don’t think I could single-handedly earn enough money to pay for myself and a baby and still have the time to care for it. I’m going to need their help. At least until I can get my feet on the ground.
Fortifying myself, I take several steadying breaths, trying to center my mind. It proves shockingly more difficult than I had expected. I can feel the cracks in my stability, the raw edges that twinge from the lightest of touches.
Even thinking of Efrem for too long could prove dangerous, the pain too intense. I sank into a depression far too deep and dark to simply will myself out of. It’s going to take time and determination, an iron conviction to live without Efrem.
But I need to for our baby.
Some small part of me wonders if this isn’t a sign from Efrem that he wants me to keep living, enduring even though he’s gone. I know the thought is silly. I was pregnant long before Efrem died. But the thought gives me comfort all the same.
So I cling to it as I patch together my heart and my mind, searching for a way out of the frigid darkness for the same of our child.
When a soft knock sounds on the door, I say, “Come in.”
My parents enter a moment later, their expressions tentative.
“What did the doctor say?” Mom asks, coming to take my hand. “Does he know why you’ve been so sick? Did he give you something? Your coloring looks a little better.”
Dad joins her, resting his hands on her shoulders as he studies me, the purple circles under his eyes revealing his concern.
“He hasn’t given me anything, but he knows why I’ve been throwing up.” I shift my gaze between my parents. “I’m pregnant,” I state, the words coming out steadier than I believed possible.
And though my stomach trembles nervously, I know telling them is the right thing to do. Because I want to do whatever it takes to protect my baby.
“What?” Mom gasps, dropping my hand to cover her lips.
“I’m carrying Efrem’s child,” I say more confidently, and the words fill me with warmth. Somehow, saying his name doesn’t feel so painful now. Knowing that a part of him still lives inside me. Giddy excitement floods me at the prospect, and I, once again, cover my abdomen affectionately with my hand.
