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“You said long distance wasn’t something you were interested in pretending. And this is pretend, remember?”
She dropped his hand and her face crumbled in on itself. “Is it? It that what you think? That this is all still pretend?”
He gripped the back of his neck and squeezed. “It doesn’t matter.”
“But it does.” Her eyes were pleading. “Yeah, long distance isn’t optimal, but I’m willing to try. I’m willing to see what happens and continue this.”
“Continue what? What are we doing here, Milly?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, how is this supposed to work?” he asked. “Our relationship started with a dare and a misunderstanding that led to a lie. A lie that has grown to encompass every aspect of our lives. Our family, our friends, our careers. Everything we have is based on a lie.”
“So our meet-cute wasn’t the norm.”
“I’m not a meet-cute kind of guy.” And wasn’t that the problem. Milly was the meet-cute kind of woman, who deserved to have the prince riding in on his white horse offering the happily ever after. But Jax was packing up to ride out of town. “I think somewhere between pretending to be together and working together, we’ve gotten caught up in this make-believe world where you and I are a match. I’m not your match, angel.”
“Yes,” she said quietly. “You are and you know you are.”
“This,” he said, pointing to his shirt, his slacks, his dress shoes. Even rubbed a hand over his beardless jaw. “This isn’t me. Being a nine-to-fiver isn’t me. Nightly family dinners and barbeques on the weekends isn’t me.” He listed off everything he knew a woman like her wanted in a partner. “What you’re looking for isn’t me.”
Too bad what he was looking for was standing in front of him, her eyes brimming over with heart-wrenching emotions he was responsible for.
“Am I not allowed to change my mind?” she argued, angrily wiping at her tears.
“I haven’t even taken you on a proper date.”
“Every time I was with you felt like a date. Fun and exciting and I treasured each and every one.”
“Fun and exciting gets old. The rush that comes from seeing me off and welcoming me home gets old. The weeks apart get old. You want stable and commitment minded.”
“And you think you aren’t those things? You’re wrong.” She shook her head sharply. “I don’t want a Lucas. I want you. And I know you want me too, but you’re just too scared to ask for more.”
He went utterly still. “We’ve never talked about a more. Not one time.”
“It was written in every kiss, every single touch, every time we were in bed together. It’s already more and you know it.” Her eyes were now burning with anger and something else that was hard to swallow.
“All I know is that if we continue like this, someone will get hurt.” He reached out for her hands, but she wrapped them around her stomach. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“It’s too late for that,” she whispered, and the acceptance he heard there, as if she had anticipated the pain and disappointment, shredded his chest. He’d take anger any day over the anguish that now filled her eyes.
“You don’t do long distance. Your words,” he said. “My life is crazy and hectic and—”
“Your life is more scheduled than mine. You know exactly where you’ll be every day. When you’re competing, where you’re competing, when you’ll be back in Sierra Vista. So that isn’t an excuse. I mean, you’ll be back in town after the season.”
“And then I’m gone again. That’s what I do. I leave. I think it’s best that we just end with a clean break.”
“So what are you suggesting? That when you’re back in town we act like we don’t love each other?”
Jax emptied his lungs, creating the space he needed to process the information. Those four letters rocked his foundation in a way that sent him reeling. If he didn’t do more, he sure as hell didn’t do love.
“I know I just scared you,” she said, her tone that of one who was talking to a terrified child. “But it’s true. I love you and I’m pretty sure you love me back.” She took a gentle step forward and in a barely-there voice said, “I know you haven’t had the best experience with love and trust. But you can trust me, Jax. You can trust what I’m saying.” He was unable to speak through the sheer amount of fear coiling in his throat. “You don’t have to say anything. I just need you to give us a chance.”
He didn’t know what would shatter him more, her admission or knowing that he was going to have to reject it.
“I care for you.” He took a step closer, reaching for her hands. She let him take them this time. “More than I’ve ever cared for a woman.” His heart was pounding, and his palms were sweating worse than at the beginning of a race. He was dreading the next few words, but they had to be said. “I don’t love you, Milly.” Even as the words came out, his heart rejected the statement. “I never meant to mislead you,” he said. “This all just became too much.”
She jerked her hands back as if she’d been branded and all the emotions drained from her face. “You mean, I’m too much.”
