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“That’s not that I said.”
“No, but it’s what you mean.” She couldn’t even look him in the eyes. “I know you care about me, Jax. You’re hiding behind your career and your fear of commitment and real emotions and love. The same thing you’ve been doing to your family all this time.”
She waited a beat for him to speak, but he had nothing. She was right of course, there was nothing he could say that would make this any less painful.
“I get that our relationship is complicated and unorthodox, and I imagine we’ll make mistakes along the way, but I am willing to try, willing to put my heart out there and see if you’re man enough to pick it up. And I hope to God you are because I might not know how to do the whole faux-mance thing, but I know how to love. I have been doing it my whole life, and it is terrifying and intense, and I know it can seem like a lot at first, but it can also be safe and freeing if you allow it to be.” She looked up at him and all the fear and nerves and love shone through. “I have fought too hard for too many people in my life. This time I want someone to fight for me. Fight for me, Jax.”
He wanted to fight, more than anything. But he knew that sometimes fighting wasn’t enough. Sometimes love wasn’t even enough. His silence was his answer.
“Understood.” Milly turned to leave, then paused. “For the record, I didn’t decide to stay because of you. I decided to stay because my happy is here in Sierra Vista. I hoped you’d want to be a part of it, but with or without you I’m going to find it. And Jax, I hope that whoever that next person is, you allow yourself to find your own happy.”
With that she walked away, but not before he saw the tears spilling down her cheeks.
He tried to call out to her, but her name got stuck on the tip of his tongue, too afraid to break free. Pain lanced through him, nearly bringing him to his knees. Not only had he done the same thing as the men in her past, he’d also been no better than his parents—walking away when love became too much.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Take Life by the Balls
Never be afraid to make a mistake.
At least you took the risk.
Milly knew her life was a lot. But hearing Jax explain away her love so easily hurt. Even worse, she still had another few hours of work. Usually at an event like this, she was the last to leave. Which meant she spent the next three hours keeping track and signing off on each and every rental: from chairs to porta-potties, firepits to sound equipment—if it was set to go back to the vendor, then it was Milly’s job to oversee. And she was going to do her job like her heart wasn’t in a million pieces.
Unable to stomach seeing him again, she’d also kept track of Jax. It was the only way she could successfully avoid him. So when the bonfire started, she released her team to enjoy the festivities while she stayed back in one of the empty offices. Not her cubicle or anywhere obvious, but one that was reserved for smaller team meetings.
She knew Jax was looking for her, at least a dozen people had told her. Then there were the texts.
Jax: Are you okay?
Milly: Okay isn’t how I would describe my current emotional state.
Jax: I shouldn’t have dropped that on you tonight.
Milly: And the Bastard of the Year prize goes to …
Jax: I know your parents don’t leave for another few days. We can keep up the pretense. Just the rules would have to go back into play.
To which Milly had responded:
Milly: I don’t need you to pretend to like me. Thanks for the offer but kindly fuck off.
Then her phone had gone achingly silent. So silent that she couldn’t breathe through the space of it.
If she thought the pain of losing Zoe was crippling, it was nothing compared to the icy ache filling her chest now. It burned so cold, one sob and she would splinter into a million shards.
Milly knew all about loss. Had learned how to embrace it, how to put the pieces back together. But nothing in the all the books she’d read about loss had prepared her for this kind of devastation.
She spent her entire life sacrificing what she wanted to make others happy, but she was ready for her own happy. She was ready for someone who would take all the love she had to offer and match it beat for beat.
But Jax wasn’t willing to even meet her halfway. In a humiliating and crushing moment, he’d shoved her love back in her face.
The last of the guests trickled back to their hotel rooms around eleven, but Milly found some extra things to keep her busy to ensure her parents would be asleep by the time she arrived home. She needed a good old-fashioned cry session, and she didn’t want to do that in front of an audience who would have questions. She especially didn’t want to cause her father any stress. She knew she’d have to come clean, but that could wait until tomorrow.
After stealing a box of day-old doughnuts from the staff room, Milly drove home. The pressure building in her chest made her body too small to contain the loss. She quietly unlocked the door and tiptoed into the family room.
She didn’t need a light to see that someone was waiting for her.
