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Zoe.
As if by magic, her urn had been moved from the mantel to the kitchen counter. How many times had she caught Zoe sitting on the counter in the middle of the night eating the last of the ice cream or Halloween candy? Needing to be close to her sister, Milly hopped up on the counter, facing Zoe, and tore off a hunk of doughnut. It tasted like cardboard. She took another bite and another bite, each one becoming more frantic. It felt like if she didn’t fill her mouth, all the emotions would come spilling out and she’d never get them back.
She’d never get back the feel of his hands in her hair, the way he made her laugh, how safe she felt wrapped in his arms, the spark of happiness that lit whenever he called her angel.
“It was a lie,” she whispered to Zoe. “All of it was a lie but to me it was more real than anything I’ve ever felt. But now it’s over and I don’t even know what story I’m supposed to tell people. Did he dump me? Because he did. Or do I get to say I dumped him, because he deserves it.”
“Or maybe you just tell the truth.”
Milly turned to find her dad standing in the kitchen looking at her with his round belly and a shirt that read I just want to drink beer, embarrass my kids, and sleep.
“Dad?” she choked out, rushing into his arms.
He picked her up into his safe embrace and cradled the back of her head to his chest. He’d held her like this so many times over the years.
“What’s wrong, Milly Moo?”
The sound of her childhood nickname broke the floodgates and the first sob rolled through her chest and broke free. Unable to control them, a second one ruptured, followed closely by a third. And by the time Milly’s eyes were too full of tears to see, she was pouring herself into her dad’s arms until they were both sitting on the cold kitchen tile.
“I need Zoe,” she whispered, and Howard held her closer. “I need her advice and her laugh and the way she’d interrupt me every two seconds to let me know what a badass I am. I need her so much right now and she’s not here.”
“I need her every second of every day,” her dad admitted.
“It was getting easier. Going through her things, going on adventures. It was like she was right by my side. And then tonight, tonight was awful and for a moment I forgot she was gone. I forgot that I couldn’t come home and crawl into her bed and cry. I forgot until I saw her ashes.”
Milly felt her dad’s chest deflate on a shaky, emotional breath. “I heard you sneaking in and for a moment I thought it was her. I had my dad voice ready to catch her in the act.”
Milly looked up and gave a watery smile. “She was too old for your famous dad voice a decade ago.”
Howard tugged her closer. “You girls will never be too old for my famous dad voice.” They sat up against the fridge doors as he tucked her hair back. Strands stuck to her tear-streaked face. “But right now, I think you need one of my famous dad hugs.”
She did. So badly she clung to him and buried her face into his strong I’ve-always-got-you arms. And that made the tears flow even harder.
Her dad was her rock, always had been. No matter what was going on in Milly’s life, her dad had been her hero. He’d saved the day so many times and rather than tell him the truth that she wasn’t ready to let Zoe go, she’d lied to him. And that lie turned into another and another until—
Oh my God. Jax was right. Their entire foundation was based on a lie. How were they supposed to make something meaningful out of that?
“I blew it, Dad,” she admitted. “I had something really special, and I blew it because I was too busy trying to make everyone else happy that I destroyed what made me happy.” She met his gaze through her blurry one. “Jax and I were pretending.”
“I know.”
“I didn’t mean for it to get so far out of hand. It’s just that I picked him up at the bar and brought him home and then you and mom showed up and—” She broke off when his words registered. “You knew?”
“You picked him up at a bar?” he said, Dad Tone in full effect.
“Back to you knowing. When did you know?”
“When you called him by the wrong name.” This was from Gennie who walked over and sat next to Milly, making her the center of a Smartt family sandwich.
Milly looked up. “I can’t believe how awful that must have been for him. I really hurt him thinking that I’d slept with his brother.”
“But everyone got over it,” Gennie pointed out.
“I didn’t get over it,” Howard said. “In fact, I still want to kick the guy’s ass.”
“It was my fault,” Milly defended.
Howard brought Milly’s hand to his lips and kissed her palm. “Just like no means no, it’s always the man’s fault. Always. Now, you remember that.”
