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“No, Clio has it and probably will for the rest of her life. It’s how the condition is managed that makes a huge difference. Just the diagnosis is a big step forward, and then learning coping techniques and when to ask for help when spiralling helps control PTSD,” Janet explained.
Chance
Clio has PTSD, Chance realised. That was something soldiers usually suffered from. Not everyday moms who had two kids. Chance frowned. What could have given Clio PTSD? And had he been that blinkered to her condition?
“How did she get it?” Chance questioned slowly as he turned to face Clio.
He was surprised to see her staring right at him, holding his gaze. Chance saw the strength in her eyes and how she held her body. She was relaxed and not defensive, which he’d expected.
“Clio, would you like to take this part?” Janet asked.
Chance hoped Clio would. He wanted to hear from her lips how the fuck she ended up with PTSD.
Clio nodded firmly.
Clio
“This is my chance to speak. So you can’t interrupt. Those are the rules. Once I’ve finished, then you can comment,” Clio said, and Janet agreed with her.
Chance nodded.
“So, as we know, my childhood wasn’t perfect, shunted from foster home to the next. Some good, some bad, until I met Staffey and then lost him, too. I ended up living in a dump and making less than minimum wage, as you know. From there, I was kidnapped, stripped naked, had cocks forced into my mouth, and had the threat of rape hanging over me. I was beaten, too. You rescued me from that Chance; we don’t have to relive it. But the video was live, and people were paying to see me nude and then killed.
“From there, I was taken to Hellfire, which was like home, and I fell in love with you. Something I’ll never regret. But then I was kidnapped again, dragged across the state by a madman, and that ended up with me being ripped out of a moving car. I thought I was safe, but no, Slimy Sam came back and ran down the Unwanted Bastards and took me. He held me hostage at Magic’s, who was shot because of me.
“After that, we had Thalia’s problems and prejudice to contend with, then finding my siblings. And Thalia was kidnapped and tortured. Everything kept piling up, but I ploughed on. We had Bear and Thalia’s drama to deal with, and they hated each other. And I felt awful because she was my sister. And then there was Chey and Celt and the horror stories that came out of that. Chey being crippled and the guilt we all had over it. Yes, I blamed myself.
“And then Pyro’s shit. And I know the truth about him, Chance. I’ve never said anything, but I know exactly who Pyro is. Then we had the wildfire and Pyro, and that little boy was missing. I was so frightened but had to remain strong. Was terrified of losing you, and when you returned, I was guilty because Pyro wasn’t there, and you were so torn up. I wanted to beg you not to go, but I knew I had to let you. And it was one of the hardest things I did, letting you free to find Pyro.
“It kept running through my mind. What would I do if you didn’t return? What about Louisa Mae? And then thoughts of what if you found Pyro dead? Then we had Janey’s car accident, which brought back memories of my own kidnapping. Memories that were still fresh. And moving on, Diesel and Alice’s courtship. That was one for the books.
“Alice bringing a cult down on us, being kidnapped, Magic’s bar being blown up. Alice fleeing Hellfire and causing issues between us and Unwanted Bastards. Then, the clubhouse being blown sky-high. Running across the forecourt, not knowing when the bombs would blow. When I realised Fanatic wasn’t with us, I could have died. And watching Tiny and Bear floor you as you scrabbled to get to Fanatic broke something inside me. I know Fanatic is your nephew, but if you had succeeded at getting free… Louisa Mae and Dax weren’t even a thought in your head.
“None of us were. You could have left me a widow, and you did not hesitate. Not for one second. Louisa Mae would have grown up without her daddy, and Dax would never have met you. We didn’t register with you, Chance, and it made me feel shit. It forced the realisation that Hellfire and your brothers would always come before us, and it was ugly to accept. I didn’t want the hate that came from that, but it was there,” I said, ending in a choked voice.
Chance went to speak, and I held a hand up. He waited as I regained my composure.
“Then going into early labour, having Dax ripped from my womb by a C-section. It all piled on top of everything else. I was spinning from the bomb that we ranked third in your life, and then I blacked out and woke up without my womanly parts. That destroyed me. And even worse, you didn’t make the decision to save me. You were in the chapel praying for your brothers. Of course, you couldn’t have known what would happen, but the fact remains, you were praying for them and not staying with me.
“Diesel had to carry that guilt, and you were all concerned for him and how he was, but nothing was aimed at me. Oh, you checked I was healthy, but not once did you ask how I was coping. And I was not Chance. I was full of resentment and hate towards Hellfire—and you. Someone I loved, had given everything to, was going out looking for land to buy for a new compound. What about me? What about my needs? No, you made sure I was physically healthy, but not emotionally. And I wasn’t managing!
“Fuck you, I never needed you more than then, but nope, Hellfire yet again came first!No, you don’t get to talk, I haven’t finished. Rooster lost half his leg, and you have him more support than me. You fussed over Fanatic but ignored me in the process. You were so concerned about your brothers that you forgot you had a wife struggling at home. And Sallie-Anne. What Banshee did was so wrong, but you all stood by and let him do it. It was obvious she was innocent, but no, not one of you stopped it. That was a wake-up call to how blinded you were to your men. Any fault of mine was pointed out, but them… they got a pat on the head and approval.
“Shee destroyed her life. And when he realised she was innocent, oh, everything was fine and dandy. Next was the school shooting, and without considering me or the kids, you rushed into danger. Once again, I could have been a widow and my children fatherless. But you didn’t consider that. Your brother needed you, and off you went. Then, the drama of realising Sallie-Anne and Alice were related. Everyone was so happy, and I was so bitter.
“Not because the attention wasn’t on me. But because nobody gave enough of a shit to ask how I was coping. Diesel avoided me, and whenever he saw me, he was flooded with guilt. It brought everything back. I couldn’t escape it. And before I could even regain my breath, Madisen hits. Is it any wonder I have PTSD? Tell me somebody who has lived through that and doesn’t have it. I lived all of that, as did the others. But the difference is some of your brothers had wives to support them. Those with no wife had you and the others. Who the fuck did I have, Chance?” I ended bitterly.
Chance
Fuck, when Clio laid it out like that, Chance didn’t like what he saw. He couldn’t refute anything Clio had said. Without meaning to, he had put his club before her. Stuff kept happening, and Chance rolled with the blows, not realising he’d been neglecting his wife and children.
Clio opened her mouth and spoke again.
“Maybe my dreams hadn’t been yours. But I’d wanted to give you a big family full of babies, craziness, and laughter. When I lost my womb, I thought I’d failed you. And with everything going on, you weren’t approachable. I was lonely and left to deal with it alone. Wasn’t Tati’s husband rushing without a care for his wife and children? It wasn’t Chey’s man who left her to watch over their son in the NICU, but instead ended up praying for his brothers. It was mine. All my dreams disappeared when I woke up and was told I had no womb to carry a child again.”
“Shit,” Chance murmured.
“Yeah,” Clio agreed.
