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But I grab her hand from where I sit on the step. “I get it; I know you can't save everyone,” I tell her. She lifts her chin and swallows.
“Saving them is easy, I wish I could bring every life back. It's knowing I can but knowing the risks if I do that are hard to live with,” she laughs, the sound slightly manic.
“But the hardest part is seeing everyone grieving a life I could have saved but chose not to, ripple effect, everything happens for a reason. You change one thing, and you can change the entire direction of something else,” she murmurs, her gaze getting far away.
“I get why Celeste created the dagger to make a god or goddess. It was never about having a backup Moon Goddess. It was to kill herself and leave the burden on someone else. Now, it's my burden. I'm glad the daggers don't exist, though. I know I'd be tempted to do the same,” she whispers the last part.
“You don't like being the Moon Goddess?” I ask. To hold that kind of power would be amazing, yet I understand it would also be terrifying.
“Do I like having power?” she laughs. “Everyone loves power. It is the knowing I don't like, knowing what's to come before it happens, that temptation to change it is overwhelming. But how do you choose? I could have saved Malik, but who would have to take his place if I did?” she asks. Her eyes flicker, turning black when the sliding door opens, and Mateo pops his head out.
She smiles.
ChapterSixty
Casen
“Just talking to Casen,” she says. But Mateo glances at me, and I know he senses something is wrong with her, yet he says nothing. However, my eyes are drawn to the burns that cover half his neck and one entire side of his body, the burns peaking out beneath the collar of his shirt.
I pull my gaze away, realizing I am staring. I know Eziah feels guilty about what he did to his father. Yet even with the severity of his burns, he refused to let Kat heal him. He would rather burn alive than allow his mate even to suffer slightly, knowing she would take on his pain.
Yet, I get it, having my own mate. Kat moves past him and heads inside. He watches her worriedly before turning to look at me.
“Should I be worried?” he asks me.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“She took it. Kat took Heidi's grief; she already takes on more than anyone could possibly imagine, yet she couldn't deny her,” Mateo tells me.
That explains why Heidi after Kat touched her seemed okay.
“Casen?” Mateo asks, and I know he is asking me to confirm whether she simply came out here to talk to me. I feel protective of Kat and want to lie for her. However, being protective means keeping her safe, even if it is safe from herself.
“Yeah, you need to worry,” I tell him, and he nods once. I draw back on my smoke, and Mateo shuts the door. I expect him to go back inside, but he doesn't. Instead, he lights up, leaning on the railing and watching me.
“Since when did you start smoking?”
“Can't remember, Ezra and Kat hate it.” He shrugs. “Ezra and I will have to force her to shift again soon,” he says, sighing heavily.
I peer over at him. Eziah once mentioned to me that his father struggles to shift because of the scarring. It's agonizing for his father. Mateo usually avoids shifting because the burns don't like it. They are weakened, and they tear open worse every time.
Not knowing what to say, I nod, wondering why he is loitering around me when he finally speaks.
“Eziah has barely said two words to me,” he confesses. I look at him, drawing back on my smoke.
“He feels guilty. He's worried you hate him,” I tell him.
“He said that?” Mateo asks. “Is that why you two were gone for so long, why he never came back?”
I press my lips together. He should be talking to his son, not me. I don't want to get caught in the middle of it.
“No, we were heading back when we found Temperance,” I explain. He looks slightly relieved.
“So he was coming back?” I nod my head.
“Yeah, we were then.” I nod toward the door. He nods slightly when the door opens again. This time, it is Ezra.
“Kat wants to leave,” Ezra tells him. “Does she feel off to you? She is blocking the bond from me.”
