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Cam coughs and sniffs. “I’m done, now. We’ll never forget you, Keegan.”
He runs a hand along the mahogany coffin with the lid closed, standing behind him. Then he walks silently back to where Casey now stands, still holding on to Bria’s hand.
Casey doesn’t immediately address the crowded chapel. Instead, he stands in front of the coffin and tries to pry it open.
“Why won’t it open?” His broken voice carries through the hall, and the county coroner moves forward to help.
I didn’t even know that heknewKeegan. But there he is, helping Casey open the casket. After it is done, Casey looks apologetically back at Mom.
“He wouldn’t want it closed, Mom. He’d want to see the way we stare at him. We gotta give him that.” His voice hitches as the tears start to stream unchecked down his cheeks.
“I’ve lost brothers before,” Casey mutters after wiping his tears. “Overseas. I’ve stood in war, with shots being fired around my head. I’ve held a dying man’s hand. But nothing has ever hurt more than this… This pain. This hollow ache. Knowing my little brother won’t be there to meet his nieces or nephews. That he won’t ever get to skydive.”
“Actually,” Mom cuts in tearfully. “He went skydiving for his birthday this year.”
Scattered laughter fills the room around us.
“Well,” Casey sniffs. “Color me shocked. Keegan was scared of heights.” He laughs again, still crying. “That little shit had one more surprise for me up his sleeve.”
Casey wipes his eyes and looks straight at me and Cam. “I guess we’re going skydiving, huh?”
Cam and I both nod, and Casey turns his attention to Bria, who Cam has wrapped in a hug.
My heart aches even more.
“We made a pact,” Casey explains to the crowd. “We’d all go skydiving together when Keegan turned thirty. But that little shit had to go three years early, didn’t he?”
Casey takes one last look at Keegan and leans into the coffin to place a hand on his face. “I’m gonna miss you.”
Shuddering sobs and gasps as the onlookers struggle and fail to hold together their emotions fill the air around us. And then it is my turn.
Bria grabs my hand as I walk by and squeezes lightly. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispers.
“No,” I answer her. “It really isn’t.”
Casey hugs me before he moves back to his seat on the other side of his estranged wife, and I step up to the casket.
“What did you do, Keegan?” My voice is low, barely a whisper, as I stare at his face. He looks like he is sleeping. Like any minute, he’ll open his eyes and smile at me. Only, I know it isn’t ever going to happen. He is gone and he’s taken a part of us with him.
“Keegan made a choice.” I didn’t plan what I’m saying. I couldn’t. After all, I don’t actually want to speak at the funeral. Mom and Dad both said they couldn’t do it, they couldn’t stand up and speak about Keegan’s life. So that left Cam, Casey, and me to pick up the pieces.
“He became a cop, knowing the dangers. Knowing that every single time he put on the badge, he might not make it home.” I cough, trying to hold it together. “He asked me when I joined the department, why I was doing it. Why I would walk away from the life I had, to stand behind the thin blue line. And I didn’t have an answer for him. He knew it, and I knew it, too. I could have lied to him and told him that I was doing it because our father had. Or that our uncle was. Or that our cousin had.” I shoot a look at my aunt and uncle over my shoulder, who are sitting with our cousins from out of town. “But that wasn’t the truth. The truth was, I felt it. In every pore of my body. Down into the pit of my soul. I felt the decision I made, and I knew it was the right one.” I look back down at Keegan, resting in the coffin that will hold him forever.
“And he just nodded. But then, not even two years later, he was doing the exact same thing. Joining the force. And I told him. Iwarnedhim. I pleaded with him to make another choice.” I swear he is mocking me, with the smirk on his face, even in death, as I share one small piece of who he was.
“This little shit,” I echo Cam and Casey’s sentiments about our little brother. “He looked me dead in the eye and told me word for word what I’d told him two years before. ‘I have to, Carter.’ He said, ‘I have to. It’s calling to me from every pore of my body. I feel it. In the pit of my stomach, and when I close my eyes at night, I know it’s the right decision.’ And what could I say to that.”
I turn away from Keegan and stare at my mom with tears in my eyes. “How could I stand in the way of that?”
“You couldn’t.” Mom’s voice breaks out through the silence to answer my question. “He was more stubborn than any of us. He gets that from his father.” Her lips tremble. “Got. He got that from his father.” She leans into Dad’s arms.
“I couldn’t stop him,” I say again with a nod. “I didn’twantto stop him. He was passionate. He loved the choice he was making. Loved it, lived it, and loved his life. He was a good man. A good cop. And I’ll miss him.”
I hold it together. Barely. Just long enough to get back to my seat and lean forward with my head in my hands.
When the priest blesses Keegan, and the ceremony ends, I take my place next to my brothers and cousins. Pallbearers, carrying Keegan to the hearse that will take him to his final resting place.
“Gods above,” Brady, one of our cousins, groans from where he stands across from me. “Keegan’s heavy as fuck.” He wheezes.
