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Even after years of working here, now and then it gets the better of me and after Roxie leaves, I take five minutes and go outside. Under the brightness of the sun, the cool wind takes the edge off its warmth as I wonder how many more times Roxie will be back.
Her words come back to me.In lots of ways, I know I’m lucky.It feels like she’s reached a turning point; for the first time, fight giving way to a reluctant acceptance. It leaves me feeling knotted inside. Death isn’t ageist – but seeing someone Roxie’s age with a terminal illness never gets any easier.
Briefly I think back over the year since Lisa left. Of all that wasted time I’ll never get back, when given the chance, someone like Roxie would have lived every second of it.
As I stand there, I feel the weight of regret finally lift for good. I can’t do anything about the past, but I’m lucky, to have my health, to have a future. I need to focus on today and tomorrow.In an uncertain world, there’s no point worrying about anything else.
16
MARNIE
I’m in limbo as I wait for my test results, seemingly nothing taking my mind off things. When the sun shines, I venture out, but given my leg is weaker, these days I don’t go far.
One afternoon, when I’m sitting by the river, Birdy joins me.
‘Look.’
I gaze at the leaf she’s pointing at as it floats past, effortlessly carried wherever the water takes it. Passing reeds, caught where the current twists, its motion constant.
‘Life feels like that sometimes, don’t you think?’ Beside me, Birdy voices my thoughts. ‘I mean, we’re carried along by all this stuff we have no control over.’
‘Tell me about it.’ I say it with feeling. I’ve long lost the sense of being in control of my life.
There are times life’s flow is seamless. But at times like now, when it’s like I’m battling upstream, it comes to me that maybe these are the times to stop fighting and let go, to be more leaf; to surrender to wherever it is life is taking us.
‘I often think when things are difficult, maybe it’s a sign we’re on the wrong track.’ Birdy sounds thoughtful. ‘There could be multiple possible destinations for all of us. Who knows?’ Sheshrugs. ‘Or maybe however long it takes, we’re going to end up where we’re meant to be.’
I gaze at the water. ‘In which case, there’s no point in worrying about any of it, is there?’
Her hair glints in the sunlight. ‘I guess we just have to follow our hearts – and trust.’
A couple of days later, I walk further up the river. Finding a grassy bank, I lie down and soak up the sunlight, my mind drifting, until a voice interrupts me.
‘We must stop meeting like this.’ Forrest sounds pleased.
Sitting up, a smile crosses my face. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Same as you. Walking.’ He sits on the grass next to me. ‘How are you doing?’
‘OK.’ I don’t want to talk about me. ‘Not stalking me, are you?’ I tease.
‘Absolutely not. But I was thinking about you.’ He frowns. ‘Actually, there’s this stuff I wanted to talk to you about.’
‘Of course. More weird stuff?’ I raise one of my eyebrows.
‘No.’ He shrugs. ‘And yes. I mean, what is life without weirdness?’
‘Do tell.’ My interest is sparked. Anything that will take my mind off myself.
‘OK.’ He looks bemused. ‘First, I went on a march. What’s weird is I never would have done this – before the accident. I went because of Freya. I need to tell you about Freya…’ He pauses. ‘She works where I did – for my father. She’s a bit like Joe – a good egg. Believe it or not, there are some decent and caring lawyers.’
‘I do know that,’ I tell him. ‘It’s why you seemed so extreme – when we met, I mean.’
‘Fair point.’ He seems unabashed. ‘Joe always said Freya had a crush on me. I used to revel in it, I suppose. She was good for my ego. We’re talking about the old me, remember?’
‘I know.’ I can’t help smiling. ‘Go on.’
‘Well, she’s a passionate animal-welfare-and-saving-the-planet campaigner. Goes on marches, supports sanctuaries and so forth. She was always on at me and Joe to join her. And I always said I would – but being the horrible person I was back then, I was stringing her along. I had no intention of actually doing any of it. I mean, animal rights nutters… They were right off my radar, as you can imagine.’
