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Marnie has to be OK.My fists suddenly clenched, I’m not sure who my thoughts are directed at.She has so much life to live. She has to be.
As I carry on walking, my mind is suddenly clearing as I realise I need more than the flat and the shop. More in my life than just me and Birdy, too. Marnie’s illness has shifted me onto the next stage of grieving; of wanting, needing, to engage with life again.
Reaching the lake, I perch on a bench. Gazing across the water, I watch a duck dive, then surface again, the water forming droplets on the rich green of its feathers.
‘Amazing, aren’t they?’
Turning, my cheeks flush as I see the gorgeous-looking guy who’s been into my shop a couple of times, aka Marnie’s sad case guy. ‘Hi. They are, aren’t they? I love watching them.’
‘Me too.’ He pauses. ‘Mind if I join you?’
As his eyes meet mine, my heart does that flip-flop thing. ‘Sure.’ Trying to sound casual, I shift along the bench to make room for him. As he sits next to me, the warmth that comes over me isn’t just about the sun. ‘So what brings you here?’
‘I was driving through.’ His eyes are bright. ‘Except…’ He hesitates. ‘I may as well be honest. The last few months, I’ve been slaying ghosts. This is a test.’
‘That sounds cryptic.’ I eye him curiously.
‘I met my ex in Arundel,’ he explains. ‘It took me a while to move on. I spent a long time – too long – going over old ground, places we used to go together…’
‘Ah.’ So this is what Marnie was talking about. ‘Where are you at with that?’
‘That’s the thing.’ He certainly doesn’t look like someone stricken with angst. ‘Just like that, it happened. I’m definitely over her. In fact, I have been for a while.’
‘That’s really good.’ My heart warms. ‘It’s no good hanging on to things you can’t change.’ Suddenly I’m realising it equally applies to me. That I’ve been holding on to the same intensity of grief I’d felt in the days after my parents died. ‘Actually…’ I say tentatively. ‘I’ve been doing the same.’
He smiles ruefully. ‘Sometimes, we really are our own worst enemies, aren’t we?’
I shake my head. ‘When you put it like that…’
‘I’ve been enjoying your books. In fact, I need to come in and buy another.’
‘I’m so pleased.’ I feel my heart warm. ‘I can only speak for myself, of course, but I love how someone’s words can make me think in a way I never have before.’
‘That’s a good way of putting it.’ He looks thoughtful. ‘So, you’ve closed early?’
‘I needed to get out,’ I say. When I tell him about Marnie having surgery today, he looks shocked.
‘I’m so sorry. Have you heard how it’s gone?’
‘I called the hospital a little while ago. She’s in the ICU – in Brighton.’ I shrug. ‘As for what happens next…’
‘Take it as it comes,’ he says quietly. ‘It isn’t always possible to predict how these things go.’
I look at him. ‘That’s the hardest part, isn’t it? Not knowing? Her diagnosis isn’t good.’ Tears fill my eyes.
‘It’s really hard.’ His voice is kind. ‘And she probably won’t know what’s next until the biopsy results come back. But don’t underestimate how much you’re helping, just by being there for her.’
But even as he says it, I can’t let go of the thought that whatever I do, it isn’t enough. ‘It’s been the longest day,’ I say quietly.
‘I bet. It’s a good day to have out of the way, though,’ he says gently. He hesitates. ‘You were saying just now – about you… What is it that you’re holding on to?’
‘Grief,’ I say quickly, wondering how much to tell him. ‘Long story I won’t bore you with. But…’ I’m still thinking about it. ‘It probably sounds like a cliché, but Marnie’s illness has opened my eyes.’
‘I wouldn’t say that’s a cliché.’ He’s silent for a moment. ‘I don’t suppose your story is boring either. If you want to talk about it, I’ve been told I’m a good listener.’
‘You’re very kind.’ Gazing at him, I take in the warmth in his eyes, tempted for a moment; suddenly realising I trust him. ‘I lost someone. Two people, in fact. My parents.’ My voice wavers. ‘Living a quiet life has been part of grieving, I guess.’
He picks up on it straight away. ‘Has been?’
