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RAE
The days away bring the light back to Marnie’s eyes.
‘I can’t believe you’ve just missed Forrest. By minutes,’ she adds.
‘Not again.’ It keeps happening, Forrest and I missing each other.
‘It was so beautiful there, Rae. I brought you this.’ She passes me a small shell that’s delicate shades of pink.
‘I got you something, too.’ I pass her the little box I’ve been saving for this week, watching her take out the small iridescent stone, hoping she likes it. ‘It’s…’
‘It’s a moonstone, isn’t it?’ A look of wonder comes over her face as she goes on to tell me how one night, she and Forrest sat on the beach and watched the moon rise.
The evening before Marnie’s surgery, she rejects my suggestion of booking a taxi and turns down Forrest’s offer to drive us there, too. Instead, she and I catch the train together.
‘I want to spin this out, Rae. A few more moments of normal.’
And that’s what she does, gazing out of the window as the world flashes past, until too soon, as the train arrives in Brighton, I see from her eyes the fear is back.
After leaving her at the hospital, I make my way alone back to Arundel, the journey passing me by. Knowing what she faces tomorrow, I can’t think of anything else.
Before we left her house, I watched her slowly look around. ‘I keep thinking how our brains affect every part of us.’ Aware of her voice trembling slightly, she’d taken a deep breath. ‘I’m trying not to think about it. But what if something goes wrong? What if after surgery, I’m not the same?’
‘They know what they’re doing.’ As always, I tried to reassure her; words that are meaningless when in her shoes, I’d feel exactly the same.
Still thinking of Marnie in the hospital, as I walk back from the station, it feels surreal, the beauty of this glorious summer evening somehow incongruous with her illness. When I get home, everything is oddly normal here, too. The pile of dishes in the sink, a pile of books on the coffee table; Birdy sprawled feet-up on the sofa.
Her eyes are anxious as she looks up. ‘How was she?’
‘Scared,’ I tell her. ‘And brave. Resigned – but above all, she’s hopeful. When they remove the tumours they’ll know more about what they’re dealing with.’ I look at my sister. ‘The nurses were really nice. She’s in good hands.’
Birdy’s silent for a moment. ‘It’s still scary though, isn’t it? To think you could have brain tumours and not know about them.’
‘Yes.’ I shrug. ‘But I suppose we don’t notice when our bodies change slowly enough.’
‘I’m worried about her.’ Birdy’s voice is small. ‘I hope she’s going to be OK.’
‘Me, too.’ I can’t bring myself to give her false hope, but nor have I shared Marnie’s fears that this isn’t going away. I’m waiting until we know more.
Birdy looks anxious. ‘When’s she coming home?’
‘If all goes well, in a few days, I think.’
Birdy gets up. ‘She should come here.’
When I open the shop the next morning, what follows is the slowest day ever. Constantly checking the time, I think of Marnie waiting for surgery, minutes seeming to pass like the longest of hours.
Outside, the streets are bathed in sunshine, only one or two customers drifting in, but for most of the day, I’m alone.
For the last two years, my life has been dominated by grief, by looking after Birdy, by the routine of the everyday I’ve created around us. It’s time I’ve needed, a life I’ve cocooned myself in. It’s taken Marnie’s illness for me to look beyond that. It’s also made me ask myself, if I knew time was running out, what would I change?
It’s a question that preoccupies me until mid-afternoon, when unable to wait any longer, I call the hospital. When they tell me Marnie’s out of surgery and she’s stable, I feel a weight lift.
With the shop not busy, I close early. Upstairs, the flat is quiet, Birdy not yet back from college; the empty rooms oddly claustrophobic. Changing into jeans and trainers, five minutes later I’m on my way out again.
The roads are unusually empty, the town bathed in hazy light, a sense of premonition in the air, as though for some reason time itself has paused for a while.
As I walk away from the town towards the lake, I breathe in warm air I’m suddenly hungry for.
