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Her forehead wrinkles. ‘Know what?’
‘About Alice.’ My breath catches in my throat, as it always does when I say her name. Everything freezes.
Sarah shifts in her chair. There’s panic in her eyes. I’ve never seen her look frightened like this. ‘Max told you. I…I didn’t think he?—’
‘No, he didn’t. I found out and confronted him.’
‘How?’
‘It doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is the truth. I want to hear from you what happened. I promise I’ll listen, and we’ll work this out together.’
Tears pool in her eyes and she dabs them with a napkin. She tries to lift her cup but her hands are shaking so much that she places it down again. And my heart is aching. I want to reach for her, but I keep my arms by my side.
‘I saw them together at the Boathouse. It must have been the May half term. I’d just finished a shift and Mum had Ivy. I just needed to switch off. They were outside the toilets. And they were…kissing.’ She looks at me, her eyes emitting a silent apology, but she doesn’t need to. I’m immune to this now.
‘I’d just come out, and at first I could only see the back of Max and I thought it was you he was kissing. I was about to go up to you and make a joke about the two of you carrying on like teenagers. But when I realised it wasn’t you – I felt sick. I didn’t know what to do. What to say. I walked right past them, and neither of them even looked up. They were so…’
She doesn’t need to finish her sentence – the picture is already clear in my mind.
‘I hid by the bar. It was busy that night so they didn’t see me, and I watched them.’ Tears fall heavily now, smudging hermascara. ‘When they got back from the toilets, they were more reserved. Just sitting chatting. Not even touching each other. I suppose Max was being careful in case he saw anyone you know. But you can tell when two people have something physical between them, can’t you? They can’t hide their body language.’
‘I don’t need to hear this part,’ I say. ‘Max has told me every detail of the affair.’
‘Sorry,’ Sarah says. ‘I know it must be hard?—’
‘It’s over with me and Max. I just don’t need to hear it. This is about you and me. And Alice Hughes.’
Understanding floods her face, and she nods slowly. ‘I stayed until they left, and then I followed them. Max drove her home to Roehampton, and I made a note of her address. He walked her to her door. It was raining and he took off his suit jacket and held it over her. Like they do in old films. It made me so angry. It was such an intimate gesture. My first reaction was to tell you. Of course it was. But then I thought about Poppy, and how she wouldn’t be living with her dad any more. I knew you’d leave Max, and I didn’t want to be the one to split up your family.’ She shakes her head. ‘I know that was the wrong thing to do. If I could go back?—’
‘We can’t, though, can we?’
She coughs. ‘Sorry. I think I’m getting a cold.’ She reaches into her bag and pulls out a tissue. ‘Then I thought about going to Max, and telling him to end it. If he did that, then maybe it would all be okay. You wouldn’t get hurt, and neither would Poppy.’
‘But you didn’t, did you? He didn’t even realise you knew.’
‘Alice told him I knew. She didn’t know who I was, but maybe he guessed from her description of me and showed her a picture to confirm it. I was expecting him to confront me any time, but he never did.’
‘But you confronted Alice.’
She nods. ‘I just need the toilet. Will you watch my bag?’
I watch her walk off, and count the seconds in my head. She takes so long that I wonder if she’s left. Her bag’s still here, but not her phone. I saw her put it in her pocket.
After a couple more minutes, I’m about to go and look for her when she appears, drying her hands with a paper towel.
‘You were stealing drugs from the hospital,’ I say, before she’s even sat down. ‘From your patients. How could you do that? Being a nurse meant everything to you. You could have come to me if you needed help with money.’
‘I was ashamed. How could I have told you?’
‘You told Max.’
‘He’s not you. It was easier to tell him. Especially when I admitted to him that I knew about his affair.’
‘We tell each other everything.’ As soon as I say this, I realise it’s no longer true.
‘I couldn’t tell you. I was ashamed. And scared. Desperate. Max said he’d help me, so I kept quiet about his affair. It was like a silent understanding between us.’
Two of the closest people in my life lying to me, making sure I had a skewed view of my world.
