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‘Because sharks might get me?’
I smile at my daughter’s innocence. ‘Not sure there are any sharks around here, but you never know.’
I look over at Brighton Pier, which is quiet now, but will soon be heaving with visitors. Moving here from London was the best decision I could have made for us, despite it being a huge change. It’s peaceful, even when it’s packed with summer tourists.
To my surprise, Poppy is excited to start her new school in a few weeks, and she constantly tells me how grown up she is to be in Year 2.
Most Fridays, Max comes to spend the weekend with Poppy, and she probably sees him more than she did before. I’ve suggested he can stay in our spare room when he visits, but so far he hasn’t taken me up on my offer. Instead, he stays at the Grand Hotel on the beachfront.
I have no idea how he can set foot in a hotel after everything that happened to Alice, but clearly it’s just me who will never be able to.
‘There they are!’ Poppy shrieks, pointing across the beach.
I turn around and see two figures walking towards us. Unsurprisingly, I feel a jolt of nerves. Although we’ve messaged a lot since it happened, I haven’t seen Sarah since we met in the coffee shop that Sunday morning. The last image I hold in my head of my friend is her disappearing inside a police car, her eyes wide and terrified, but also resigned. I remind myself that today is about looking forward – I don’t think either of us want to go back.
Poppy races towards them and throws her arms around Ivy. It’s as if they’ve never been apart.Friends for life.Just as Sarah and I were supposed to be.
I follow more tentatively – I have no idea how this day together will pan out. And as I get closer to Sarah, I notice there are tears in her eyes, even though she’s smiling.
We hug, just as we’ve always done, and for a fraction of a second nothing has changed. Then she speaks and it’s clear that everything has.
‘I nearly changed my mind about coming,’ she says, as the girls run towards the sea. ‘But…it would have broken Ivy’s heart.’
I nod my understanding. ‘It can’t have been easy.’
She laughs. ‘Hardest thing I’ve ever had to bloody do.’
I point to the blanket I’ve laid out across the pebbles. ‘Shall we sit for a bit? The girls seem happy over there.’ By the edge of the water, they’re already pulling off their shoes and socks and dipping their feet in the sea, squealing when they realise how cold it is, even in this heat.
‘Good thing I brought a towel,’ Sarah says. And then she smiles, and I see a hint of my old friend.
We watch the girls for a moment, then Sarah turns to me. ‘Do you forgive me?’
‘I’m not sure it’s up to me to forgive you. None of it was about me, was it? The only thing that matters is whether or not you can forgive yourself.’
She thinks about that for a moment. ‘No, of course I can’t. But I’m paying for what I did. I’ve lost my job, the only thing I ever wanted to do. Now I just have to try to put some good back into this world to counteract everything I did.’
‘That makes sense,’ I say.
We turn back to the girls. More people are appearing on the beach now, setting up blankets and chairs, peeling off layers under the burning sun.
‘It’s hard to live with what I did,’ Sarah says quietly. ‘It keeps me awake all night. I barely sleep. I know I didn’t actually killAlice, but…I thought I had. And I left her for dead. That’s bad enough. I was a nurse and I did the worst possible thing to another human. I don’t deserve to be here. Sometimes I think about en?—’
‘Ivy needs you. Whenever you feel that way, just remember that little girl over there needs her mum. She can do without anything else. Dean. Your mum. Poppy. But she can never do without you, Sarah.’
My words seem to sink in, and slowly she nods. ‘I know that.’
‘Is Dean still around?’ I ask.
‘Yes. For Ivy. Not for me, of course. Not now. He can barely look at me. But that’s okay. I just need him to support his daughter.’ Her mouth stretches into a thin line. ‘Mum’s barely talking to me.’
‘Give her time.’
‘But you’re still here for me. You always have been.’
Not as much as I should have been.
‘Shall we have a walk along the pier? Grab some coffee?’ I try not to think about the last time we had coffee together.Move forward, never look back.
