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“Hello? This hasn't exactly been easy for me or the others. Do you know how stressful it is to go through the motions, when you know there's an unspoken secret hanging in the air? The three of us have had to pretend for days that there's nothing wrong. I'm always waiting for the bomb to drop, do you know what I mean?”
I have to set the soup aside, leaving it on the nightstand so I don't spill it all over the bed. “What are you saying? He still hasn't said a word?”
“It's like living in bizarro world. He hasn't given a clue what he's thinking or how he's feeling. I'm talking nothing. Business as usual.”
“He hasn't sat down and talked with you guys at all?”
“No! There I was, expecting him to ask for a meeting the next day. But it's never happened.”
“So I just don't exist anymore? It's as easy as that?” I honestly don't know how to feel about this.
“Don't get the wrong idea. Everybody's noticed you're not around. I even heard Danny asking yesterday if there was something wrong, like if you were sick or something.” He shrugs, scoffing. “All Kozak said was you're taking a brief leave of absence for personal reasons.”
Interesting. It answers none of my questions but gives me a little bit of hope. What if there's still a way for me to get out of this without losing everything? Why else would he hesitate like this? He’s had plenty of time to make his move, but he hasn't done a thing. Could it mean he doesn't want to fire me? Maybe Corey was right and he needed time to think things over. Maybe he can't find it in himself to be the first one to reach out.
Does that mean I want to be the one to do it? Not exactly. Not when I remember the cold shoulder he gave me. Why would I want to put myself through that again if I could avoid it?
“Honestly, it's pissing me off,” he adds, his back thumping the headboard when he falls against it with a grunt.
“Why?”
“Because you're not the only one who was involved here. We all played a part in this. We're grown men. And yeah, you're the team's therapist. Fine. But we're in positions of power, too. We're not some naive kids who don't know their asses from a hole in the ground. You didn't take advantage of us. Hell, we make probably twice what you do.”
Maybe not exactly twice, but they do make more than me. “I should have known better. I'm the professional?—”
“Enough. You made a bad decision. But so did we. Now, I'm not saying I've got a hard on for punishment. I'm not looking forward to him tearing me a new one. But damn it, it's not fair for us to get out of this unscathed. Eventually, something's got to give. I can’t face him like this much longer.”
“Don't go starting trouble, please. You don't need it, and you don't deserve it.”
“I love you.” He reaches over and cups my cheek, and my heart softens as I lean into his touch. I've missed this. Especially now, when I'm feeling more lost than I ever have. “That hasn't changed. It's bad enough seeing you suffer, but when I know I fucked up, too? And nothing's happening to me? I can't live with that. Just like you couldn't live with the idea of lying.”
“If I were you, I would just be glad you have your job and everything is going well with the team.”
“Right, but how am I supposed to be glad when I'm always waiting for shit to turn bad? Like I never know when he's going to announce in front of the whole team that we were screwing the therapist.”
Good point. “I'm sorry this is happening.”
“I'm sorry, too.” When he gets up my heart sinks in preparation for him leaving. I was sort of annoyed that he invited himself over, and now I don't want him to go.
As it turns out, I don't have anything to worry about. “I’ll go downstairs and find a vase for the flowers. Eat that soup. Something tells me you haven't had many wholesome meals lately.”
“How did you know?”
He barely looks over his shoulder as he steps into the hall. “The orange Cheeto dust on the sheets was the first clue.”
10
ASH
Nobody tells you when you've suffered a big injury that there's more than one hurdle to get over before you can consider yourself fully healed. It's the kind of thing you have to find out on your own.
At first, it was something as simple as taking care of myself. Getting through the exercises the therapist gave me. Then it was walking around the block. Once I had that under control, I added an extra lap. I worked my way up to running, then working out. Finally, after weeks, I felt strong enough and confident enough to attend practice. I'll never forget how it felt to be cheered on by the team for something as simple as lacing up my skates and joining them on the ice.
That wasn't the end of the road, though. I have yet to play an actual game.
That changes today. It's a home game, which helps, but my nerves are still shot. What if I can't hack it? What if I get hurt again? I close my eyes and take a deep, centering breath. That kind of thinking is what gets guys hurt. I can't allow thosethoughts any room in my consciousness. Hard work got me this far, but so did mentality. I'm not going to let myself down by letting those doubts win.
“You ready for this?” Max pats my shoulder in passing. “It'll be good having you back out there, man.”
