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Funny you should mention that, because I’ve got a surprise for you. Nope. Not the time. I’m not sure when the time will ever come, but it is certainly not right now. “I know what you mean,” I murmur instead, eyeing the table in case anybody’s watching us too closely.
“How are you handling it?” Ash turns his chair around, wrapping his arms around the back after straddling the seat.
“I’m not thrilled, of course. But it is what it is. Everything will work out.” That’s about as much as I feel comfortable saying in mixed company – granted, the pub is full of people, and I doubt anyone is paying much attention to us. Even the rest of the team, most of whom invited their wives and girlfriends out with us.
I happen to glance toward Max and his wife, and the sight of them sitting close together with their hands joined unlocks something in my chest. It’s bittersweet – that’s the best word I can come up with to describe it. I’m happy for them, obviously. Max is a nice guy, and he has his priorities in order. At the end of the day, his family matters most. What’s not to like about that?
But dammit, they get to be together in public. They get to be affectionate, tender, and nobody thinks twice about it. Meanwhile, here I am, afraid to show too much attention to the three men I love and who love me. I can’t even joyfully announce my pregnancy for fear of what will follow. So yeah, I’m a little sad, too.
“Here I am again. It’s all my fault.” Ryder drops into his chair with a grunt, and his hangdog expression tugs at my heart strings.
“Cut it out,” Soren tells him. “Stop taking all this blame on your shoulders. These things happen.”
“If I hadn’t gone and run my mouth to the coach —"
“Soren is right,” I tell him, keeping my voice low. “Stop beating yourself up. That’s not going to help anything. Everything will be alright in the end. I’m only sorry you have to uproot your life like this.”
“It’s what I deserve. I need to think before I act.”
“Well, I’m not going to argue with that.” But I wink so he knows I’m only joking. The last thing I want is for him to feel even worse.
“I need a drink.” He looks around at the three of us. “What do you think? I’m buying.”
“Hell, yeah,” Soren agrees.
“I’m not gonna turn down an offer like that,” Ash tells him with a smirk.
“Actually, I think I’ll skip out on this round.” At the looks of surprise they give me, I shrug. “I already feel like I’m getting aheadache, and that will only make it worse.”And, you know, I’m pregnant. I have to bite hard on my lip to stifle the sudden giggle that threatens to burst out of me when I imagine their reactions. It would be cruel to announce it that way, and that’s what stops me.
“Suit yourself. Don’t say I never offered you anything.” He gets up to order at the bar and I watch with no small amount of envy because if there’s one thing I could use right now, it’s a stiff drink. That’s also the last thing I need.
What are we going to do? What are any of us going to do now? For all I know, Ryder is the father of my baby, and he’s moving all the way out to Minnesota in a matter of days. Is it unfair not to tell him about the baby before he goes? Or would it be unfair to drop a surprise like that in his lap when I know very well it will destroy him to have to be away from me?
“Don’t worry.” Ash reaches under the table and takes my hand out of sight of the rest of the team. “Like you said, everything is going to be alright. We’ll get through this.”
I manage a weak smile. It’s the best I can do, since he doesn’t have the first idea just how complicated things have now become.
25
ASH
“Come on, you guys! Let’s see a little hustle out here.” Coach cups his hands around his mouth and shouts at those of us running drills. “Don’t think you can rest on your laurels just because we’ve got some wins under our belts!”
It isn’t easy to bite back the sarcasm his encouragement stirs up in me. It seems like no matter how I try, no matter what I tell myself, he keeps finding ways to irritate and piss me off.
Did he deliberately arrange for Ryder’s trade after learning about the relationship? Because from everything I’ve heard, Kozak wasn’t a fan of the idea. He didn’t want to see Ryder go – and that’s coming straight from Ryder, when we were discussing things at the pub. He wanted Ryder to think about it, to not be hasty. Now, all of a sudden, he pushes the trade through? That’s a little too convenient for me to swallow without struggling over the aftertaste it leaves in my mouth.
“Fix your face,” Soren advises on his way past me. He’s probably right, even if it irritates me to be called out like that. I’m sure I look about as friendly and positive as I feel right now.
I catch up to him, and for a while, we distract ourselves by racing from one goal to the other. “Look out!” somebody calls out with a laugh, which only makes me skate harder now that I know they’re watching. My legs are burning, and every breath is like ice on fire, searing the inside of my lungs. I welcome the sensation just like I welcome the exhaustion I’m trying to work toward. Sure, beating him will be nice, but what I need more is to exhaust myself to the point where none of this matters.
“Okay, okay!” Coach blows his whistle once we come to a stop at the far end of the rink opposite where he’s standing. “Very nice, you guys, but let’s get back to it. Start scrimmage in five. Grab your water and whatever else you need now.”
We’re both breathing heavily, and Soren gives me one of his patented smirks. “Beat you by a hair.”
“Fuck off, you did not. It was a tie.”
“Now I know I beat you,” he laughs. “Otherwise, you’d be rubbing it in my face that you won. If you’re willing to accept a tie, that means it’s better than losing.”
