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“No shit,” Soren murmurs. His breath stirs the hair at the nape of my neck but I pretend it doesn’t register.
“Now that I’ve thought about it a little,” Ash continues, “I don’t think it would. I mean, if she wants us to all raise the baby together. It wouldn’t bother me if I weren’t the biological dad.”
“So you would do that?” Soren asks. There’s a lot of disbelief in his voice. I don’t know whether that’s because he doesn’t believe Ash, or he can’t relate.
“I mean… it won’t be simple. I know that. The world can really suck.”
“Maybe you need to stop worrying so much about the world,” Ryder suggests.
“Cute,” Ash retorts, “but that’s easier said than done, and we all know it. Let’s be real here. I want to believe in fairytales and miracles as much as the two of you, but we have to be rational. This is another life we’re talking about. We have to do what’s right for the kid.”
“You’re not going to hear me argue with that,” Ryder sounds so serious, and I guess I understand why. His past has to be coloring his thoughts and reactions. It’s only natural.
“But if it means all of us being together, sort of being a family?” I hold my breath and wait for Ash to finish his thought.Please, don’t let me down. “Yeah. I can see raising the kid together.”
“Hell, it could make things easier in a lot of ways.” Soren is the more levelheaded, and always ready to look for the positive side of things. “More hands for feedings and changing, and all that.”
“And this kid’s not going to want for anything,” Ryder firmly insists. “Clothes, equipment, attention. They’re going to have everything.” He almost sounds angry, like he’s waiting for somebody to challenge him. As if anybody would. I’m sure we all want what’s best, but to him, it’s personal.
“I bet they’ll be smart, like she is,” Soren muses.
“What if they’re not into sports?” Ash wonders.
“They will be,” Ryder insists. “I mean, no matter which one of us is the father, they’ll have it in their genes.”
“Then explain where I came from,” I whisper, giggling softly when all three of them jump a little. “What, you thought I could sleep through the three of you whispering like kids at summer camp?”
“Sorry,” Ryder murmurs. “I guess being tired isn’t enough to get me to sleep.”
“I never sleep well before traveling.”
“Yeah,” Soren agrees. “And it’s not like you’re just going on vacation or whatever. You’ve got a lot going on.”
“I guess you heard what we were talking about.” Ash pushes himself up on his elbow and looks down at me. There’s amixture of tenderness and concern visible even in the faint streetlights filtering through the blinds.
“Sure. And I honestly think it’s really cute.”
“Cute?” Soren makes a big deal of grumbling and acting offended, even though it’s all clearly an act.
“Yes, cute.” I give him a playful nudge before pulling his arm tighter around my midsection. “And it’s sweet that you’re all thinking into the future like this. It’s wonderful, it really is. I was so worried, so this feels like a miracle.”
“What is it you want?” Ryder pulls back a little, studying me. “Forget about what you think any of us might want. What do you want? How do you see this playing out?”
It’s funny. I love the three of them so much, and I have trusted them with my heart. I’ve trusted them with my future. I mean, there has to be a healthy amount of trust involved in a situation like ours. I have to believe they won’t betray me.
But I still feel hesitant and nervous. Tongue-tied, nervous. The second Ryder asked the question, the same image that came to my mind when Corey asked about my ideal scenario filled my mind again. As nerve-racking as it is to imagine, confessing my heart’s desire, I can’t bring myself to make up some watered down version of the image running through my head like something from a movie.
“I’ve been back-and-forth,” I admit softly. “One minute, I told myself I didn’t have to go through this, that I have choices. But the next, I imagine having a baby and being a mother and I get this feeling of… rightness. It seems like it makes total sense, having this baby. No matter which one of you is the father, this baby was conceived in love, and I’ll never be sorry.”
I make a point to look at all of them one at a time. “And when I imagine what life might look like, I see us. All of us together. A family. That’s what I want deep down inside. But for now, I’ll settle for saying I’ll keep the baby. Everything else after that, we can take one day at a time. But hearing the three of you talk the way you are… I know this is right. And I know the baby will be so loved. That’s a good place to start.”
“You’re loved, too.” Soren hugs me tight, while Ryder nods before kissing me gently. Ash’s lips brush the top of my head before he murmurs sweet, loving words of his own.
This is it. This is where I belong. Loved, cherished, supported. No, it doesn’t look like it’s supposed to—nothing ever does, and besides, thinking that way only ever leads to misery. Trying to model life after some vague idea that most lives never fit into. I tried to squeeze my life into a box that never quite fit, one labeledKyle. Look where that got me.
It looked right on the surface, but it never felt right.
This does. The four of us. When we’re together, there’s a sense of peace and belonging I never knew was possible until I met them. All I can do is trust my gut.
