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“You think I’m going to let you go all the way to Minnesota without at least kissing you one more time?” He tries again to turn his face away, but she is determined. She won’t let go.
It was a waste of time, trying to fight what his body and soul need more than anything. He’s still hesitant, though, kissing her gently once she breaks down his defenses. It doesn’t take long for things to heat up, and soon he’s clutching her, holding her tight like he’s afraid to lose her if he lets go.
I understand the feeling. I’m fighting it here and now, and I’m not the one flying to Minnesota tomorrow.
32
HARLOW
It’s like trying to hold sand in my cupped hands and not let a single grain fall through. Impossible, in other words. It’s impossible to keep him here with me no matter how hard I kiss him, no matter how tightly I hold him. He’s going to slip through my hands in the end. That doesn’t stop me from trying.
All of his hesitation is gone, replaced by a fierce, deep kiss that lights me up inside in a way Ash’s and Soren’s didn’t. Not that I wasn’t practically dying for a physical reminder of how they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, whether they still want me. I needed that more than anything, I think. A little reassurance after days of being so scared, dreading the possibility of being abandoned.
I know they love me, but love has gone up in a puff of smoke over less than this. And to this day, there’s still a part of me that can’t believe they think I’m worth making the sort of sacrifices for that they have. Sharing. Keeping secrets. So yes, I was scared. I was in need of a little reassurance.
The thing is, I’ve known from the beginning that there’s no quenching my need when it comes to them. There’s no amount of kissing that will ever be enough to tire me out or fill the bottomless well of desire. Every kiss makes me greedy for more. Every touch against my clothes makes me angry that I’m wearing clothes at all. I want to feel them on my bare skin. I want to soak them in, all of them.
Rather than break the kiss before things go too far, I offer no resistance when Ryder leans over me, pressing me against the bed until I’m flat on my back with my feet on the floor. I roll onto my side and drape a leg over his, drawing it between my thighs before I bury my hands in his hair and grip tight. His tongue moves against mine, and he groans into my mouth as my heart swells with joy.
And once Soren lies down behind me, I think it might burst. He runs his hand over my thigh and caresses the curve of my ass before digging his fingers into my flesh with a deep grunt. His breath is hot against my neck, hot and welcome. A sign of his desire. He still wants me.
I turn my head to meet his kiss, and Ryder settles for nuzzling my neck. Good, so good. I reach behind me and take Soren by the back of his head, scratching my nails over his scalp until his helpless moans unlock warmth in my core that results in a flood of wetness in my panties. The intensity of my reaction surprises me in the small part of my brain still capable of rational thought. Usually it doesn’t take much to light my fire, but this is ridiculous. Hormones, I guess. And from what I’ve already read, it’s only going to get more intense as time goes on.
I sense Ash’s presence on the other side of the bed, above where my head rests. When I come up for air, he’s there, hovering over me. I take a taste of his lips before going back to Ryder, thenSoren, drinking in every lingering kiss, every touch. Hands slide over my body, while my wandering hands brush against hard pecs and even harder erections. It’s an old, familiar dance, one the three of us have mastered.
I wish I could let myself give in completely. I wish there were no hesitation. No dread or lingering dismay. I made a promise. No, nobody in this room would tell the coach I broke my word. Nobody would have to. I would know, and that’s bad enough.
I have already broken so many promises to myself, after all.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I sit up, shaking my head against their disappointed groans. The room is spinning a little and my heart thuds frantically against my ribs while the rest of my body is basically throwing a revolt. I’m flushed, aching. But it doesn’t matter. It can’t matter.
“I made a promise.” When the three of them sigh almost in unison, I have to grit my teeth and deal with it rather than give in to my desire to make them happy.
“Well, I can’t think of many things that could kill a boner faster than thinking about Mitch Kozak.” Ryder flops back onto the bed and we laugh together because he’s right. It’s more effective than a cold shower.
“Dammit, it’s so late,” Ash groans as he stretches out diagonally across the mattress. He folds his hands on top of his stomach and sighs. “It doesn’t make any sense to drive all the way home, then come back here in like five hours.”
“You might as well stay here,” Ryder offers. “You’re right. It doesn’t make sense to drive home and back.”
He sits up and looks around with a soft, mournful sigh. “I’m pretty much finished with the packing, anyway. I can throw a few more things into boxes and be done with it.”
“Do you want me to stick around here tomorrow until the movers show up?” I ask.
“That would be helpful. Thank you.”
Soren lets out an enormous yawn. “I’m wiped. Let’s try to get some sleep. I’ll pack up whatever is left when we get up.”
It’s sweet, how genuinely grateful Ryder looks. “Thank you guys. For real, thank you. This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I had a support system in place. Like I don’t have to handle everything on my own.”
“Don’t think I won’t come up with a way for you to pay me back,” Ash warns with a smirk. I know he doesn’t mean it—at least, I hope he doesn’t. But one ever knows when it comes to these guys. They’ve been busting each other’s balls since long before I ever showed up.
It’s one of those things we don’t need to discuss out loud. It simply makes sense for the four of us to arrange ourselves after kicking off our shoes and settling in together. Like before, Ryder and Soren lie on either side of me, while Ash is stretched out perpendicular to me, his head close to mine, his hand stroking my hair. At some point I drift off to sleep without trying. And for the first time in days, I’m at peace. Sure, I know all of my troubles haven’t been solved – there will be plenty more challenges, and I’ll have to face them without Ryder at my side. But he’ll be back, and until then, I know Ash and Soren will take care of me. Finally, I know we’ll get through this.
I’m dreaming about rocking a baby to sleep when a soft voice works its way into my subconscious and pulls me out of sleep. “Would it matter to you if you weren’t the father?”
I keep my eyes closed. It’s not like I’m trying to trick anybody. But I would like to know the answer to Ryder’s question, whispered to the others. I would like to hear the truth without it being softened for my sake.
“Honestly?” Ash whispers back. “At first, I was freaked out.”
