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“I’m not going to a party, Dane. By the looks of it, you don’t need to be going anywhere. Did you drive here?” He gives me the same look Dad always gave me when I did something I shouldn’t.
I wave him off. “Cheer up, little brother. Let’s go party.” I shove against his shoulder, wanting him to get up.
“Dane, I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you. You can’t drive like that.”
Anger floods over me. I’ve been trying so hard to hold it all back, but it’s finally too much for me to deal with. “Fuck you, Mase. You always did think you were better than me.” I turn and head back into the bedroom, wanting to leave. It holds too many memories that have been threatening to bring me down since I pulled into the driveway.
“What are you talking about? You’re drunk. You can barely stand. No way am I letting you drive. We’ve already lost a father, I’m not losing a brother, too,” he says following me. He grabs me by the arm, and I shove him away.
“Get the fuck off me.” The quick movement causes me to lose my balance, and I end up stumbling and falling backwards.
“Dane, don’t do this. Come on, just give me your keys, and you can crash here tonight.” His hands are up as he walks closer to me.
I try to push him away again, but the little shit is strong. He twists, wrapping his arms around me. I yell at him and try pushing against him, but he isn’t letting go. Finally, exhausted from the struggle, he takes us down to the floor.
My breathing is heavy and labored as I sit trying to calm down, everything rages on inside of me. The tears find their way back to my eyes. I pound my fist on the floor. “Why? Why is he gone?”
Mason doesn’t reply. He just sits beside me, letting me feel his presence.
“Bring him back. I swear, I’ll do anything, if you’ll just bring him back!” I’m so drunk, I don’t know who I’m even talking to. God, if there is one? Anyone who’ll listen and can make my request come true.
Mason doesn’t say anything. He can’t. I’m sure he feels the exact same way, plus there’s nothing he can say that’ll make it any better anyway.
Hours later, or maybe only minutes, I’m not sure because time has no meaning for me anymore, the tears stop. I’ve cried all I can. I wipe my cheeks and sit up, holding my head in my hands. “I can’t do this, Mase. I can’t be Dad. I can’t run his bar.”
“Dane, if anyone can do it, you can.”
“I’m the fuck-up of the family. The whole town is waiting to see how I fuck this one up.”
“Who gives a damn what they think? All that matters is that Dad knew you could do it. He wouldn’t have left it to you if he didn’t think you could handle it.”
“What about you? What are you going to do?” I ask him, finally lifting my head to see him in the darkened room.
“What do you mean?”
“Are you still planning on leaving for college this weekend?”
“No, I’m not going,” he answers.
I nod, understanding the choice he’s made, though I’m not exactly happy with it. He needs to go, but I won’t push him. I need him, even if I don’t want him to know that.
* * *
When I wakethe next morning, my head is pounding. I open my eyes and look around me. I’m in my old room. It’s exactly the same as I left it. I haven’t stepped foot in here since I was seventeen, and I moved out to be with Alissa.
I know I should feel something when I look at this room, but I don’t. I don’t feel anything. I look at the dresser with the mirror missing from the frame. I look at the door she was leaning against when I saw the marks that covered her body. And I look at the bed we shared for a short time. It doesn’t hold the same emotion it all once did.
Am I finally over her?Seeing this room again should make me feel something, even if it’s a longing for what used to be. But something inside of me has changed since yesterday, and I don’t know what it is.
I stand and push myself forward. Mason is in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee. “Morning,” he says as he hands me the cup.
I take it and sit down at the island. “Morning.”
He pours himself another cup and comes to sit beside me. “How are you feeling today?”
I shrug. “I’m not really feeling anything. I mean, my head hurts, but I don’t know. I feel different and don’t know why.”
“I do too. I think it’s because we’re on our own.”
