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“Why?”
“Why what?” I wasn’t prepared for this. At all.
“My brother is nobody. He’s, like, some Year 8 teacher and a total nerd. Why would you even consider dating him?”
“None of your business,” came out of my mouth. Because I was an idiot.
“Totally my business. Our sister won’t even come over and meet you because she thinks this is ridiculous.”
“Y…” Fuck. Brain. Think. “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”
Ollie grinned. “You’ve read too many self-help books, mate. Trust me. I have too. It’s bad enough growing up with the gayest big brother on earth and a sister…well, you know what big sisters are like. She acts like she knows everything, and then, when you’re trying to figure out the most life-changing moments? Turns out she knows shit. Apparently, I’m just the kid who can’t make my mind up about anything.”
OK. I wasn’t following him, but he shuffled his chair closer to mine.
“Matt is Matt. And he deserves better than some idiot who’ll shag him and leave him. Then he’ll come here and sit and cry in the garden when you break his heart, and I’ll have to deal with all his whining. So just fucking…don’t.”
“OK. Ollie? ItisOllie, isn’t it?” I was trying here, but I was leaning forward trying to make myself a little more intimidating than I actually was. “Matt is my boyfriend, and I don’t care what anyone else says, he’s…mine. I have absolutely no intention of leaving him or breaking his heart. If anyone will leave anyone, it’ll be Matt dumping me because I have no idea about anything. Apart from that—”
“Dude. You’re dating Tara Marie.” His face was a picture. Triumph. Superiority. I laughed.
Funnily enough, he laughed too.
“Hey, I had to say it. I know it’s all bullshit. My mate knows her from school, and she’s not into men. At all. Nice girl, though. Plus, she’s got a girlfriend, so don’t even try to pull anything on me.” He pointed at his head. “Little brothers know everything. Big sisters think they know it all, but us littluns are the one with all the information. The gossip. All those convenient truths that we can use—”
“To blackmail people with. Dude. Chill. I’m not dating Tara. I’m dating your brother—if I survive long enough. I’m sat here half thinking you’ll stab me with those kebab skewers if I even dare to move.”
“I would. I’m very protective of my brother. Matt’s cool, but he’s not good with getting boyfriends, even if he’s, like, kind of handsome. Not as handsome as me, though.”
“Have you got someone special in your life?” I asked carefully because those skewers looked sharp. Before he could answer, Matt’s mum arrived with a platter of salads and stared at Ollie in disgust.
“Water, Oliver? Is that all you offered our guest?”
“Nothing wrong with water, Mum. Anyway, I had to talk to Conny here because—”
“Conny darling, can I offer you some wine? A beer? We have soft drinks. Juice?”
“Mum used to be a flight attendant. Can you tell? Next thing she’ll be offering you tiny packets of snacks and showing you the emergency exits. She gave up her career to marry Dad. Wrong move if you ask me. I mean, she was travelling the world, and now she’s stuck at home with a bunch of queer kids squatting in her house, doing accountancy work on the side.”
“I’m sure accountancy work is very fulfilling.” I had no idea who had written this script, but it was becoming more surreal by the minute.
“Accountancy work is what pays your uni fees, young man, so if I were you, I’d be very careful what comes out of your mouth.”
I think I liked Matt’s mum.
“Ha!” Ollie laughed, leaning closer to me. “I’m getting a student loan next term, so she can’t threaten to evict me out of my own home.”
“If you’re not careful, I’ll evict you myself.” Matt was back, his hands on my shoulders. It was funny how that suddenly made me relax. “It used to be my room, and now Ollie uses it as his own personal shag pad.”
“Boudoir, thank you very much.” Ollie tutted. “I’m a language student. French and Spanish.”
“Boudoir? Oh dear. I never even got kissed in that room, and from what Mum tells me, there’s some serious action happening at the weekends. Dad had to go buy those…what was it?”
“Noise-cancelling headphones,” Matt’s mum filled in. “Conny, please don’t judge us. Matthew and Emily were such good kids, we had no issues at all with them growing up. Then we had Ollie, and I have no idea where we went wrong, because as you can no doubt tell, we have totally lost control.”
“Mum, I’m nineteen. It’s not like you’re supposed to have control.”
“Matt, can you please take Ollie away from here, find him a place to live? Somewhere where he can have parties without us needing to install extra insulation in the walls?”
