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Him.
Ben.
Calm.
Quiet.
Safe.
That was the most frightening word out of them of all. But I felt it.Safe.
And then I leaned in…and gently pressed my lips against his.
Ben
Sometimes I could almost feel my soul leave my body. Like I could float away and drift around the room, double check my intuitions, make sure everything was moving the way it should. Or maybe not moving at all.
I liked to be in control, even when I couldn’t be. Sometimes I needed not to be in control, and right now, I was so out of it I couldn’t even make my brain think proper words. I was caught in this moment, sittinghere like the giant idiot I was, with his lips on mine and my hands gripping his hips so hard I was frightened I’d hurt him.
I would never hurt him.
Then his lips moved against mine, and I completely lost it. In a good way.
Kissing was just kissing. When it had no meaning, it was skin against skin, like my hands on his hips. Skin and bone. Warmth. Awkward movements I’d never mastered, but the way he moved was different. His lips parted, mine sandwiched in between, a light touch of his tongue like he was tasting me.
Suddenly there was a flash of warmth shooting through me that I’d never felt before, like a sharp pain that didn’t hurt. My hands moved automatically to protect myself, flailing in the air for a second as I panicked before they somehow ended up around his face.
He let me go, leaned back. I whined out a pathetic noise and leaned forward. I didn’t want it to end. Not so soon. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t nearly enough!
So I did what he’d done and just went for it, right back at him, his bottom lip under the tip of my tongue, then his top lip, tasting his mouth, over and over again, feeling his chest against mine and his hands in my hair, listening to the sounds he was making, soft little noises as I let myself feel the weight of his body against mine and tried to…
I didn’t know what I was trying to do, so I let go, half in shock, half terrified of how my body was reacting.
“That was more than one kiss,” he whispered. “The agreement was for one kiss. I think that was at least three.”
This is what I loved about him, and I didn’t even feel weird thinking that word. He always lightened everything, made the difficult parts not seem so heavy, even though they were. This was a no-turning-back point where everything changed. There was absolutely no going back now.
“Are you okay?” I asked. I needed us to be.
“Yeah.” He swallowed. “I didn’t quite plan on that.”
“Neither did I.”
He climbed off me and wouldn’t look me in the eye, which hurt my heart more than anything. And me being me, I reached out and grabbed his hand, held on tight, because the floating had become more like drowning, like I couldn’t breathe or think or do anything anymore. I was barely fighting the urge to scream. Cry. Fuck. I had to stop all this crying.
“Don’t leave.”
Panic.
“It’s not like I can go very far. You’re kind of sitting on my bed.”
“Sofa.”
“Yeah.”
“I need to renovate the bedroom in there. Give you a proper space.”
“I don’t need space. I just need…”
