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I had no idea why we were still doing this. I needed to go to bed. He needed to go to bed. We needed to figure this all out, but my brain was short-circuiting with terrifying stupidity, and I couldn’t stop flailing.
And the silence.
God. The silence. Other than his shallow breaths as his eyes darted around the room, looking at anything but me.
“This is never going to work,” he said quietly.
“We’re both really tired.” I was wide awake.
“This was a really bad idea.”
“Maybe. We should just go to bed, and—”
“Go to sleep, and then what, Ben?” His breathing was all wrong. So was mine. “We’ll go to bed, and I won’t sleep. I’ll just lie there and churn through all of this and hate myself for not being able to handle it. I… This is not what it looks like. I’m not boyfriend material. I’m not even hook-up material. I don’t…I don’t want to ever do this again. I never want to have sex, ever again.”
This was not good. Not good at all. He just kept talking, in a weird flat voice, and trying to pull his hand back, but I couldn’t let go.
“We need to end this. Now. I need to leave and give us some breathing space so I can figure this out. I can’t just throw myself into something like this because this is no fairy tale that will have a magical happy ending. I’m not built for this. I meet people and I ruin their lives. Like I ruined Lewis’s. He always told me I’d ruined his life, and he was right. If he’d never met me, his life would have been very different and mine would have been too. I’d have done things differently. I don’t want to ruin your life.”
He was as bad as me, full of panic and fear, and I hated that I’d screwed this up. Because I had. I had no doubt about it. I should have known better and taken things slow. Snail speed.
“Hugo,” I said, standing myself up. I needed to hug him, calm him, but he just stepped out of my reach, picked up the blanket and held onto it like a shield. Like he didn’t want me anywhere near him.
And he was right. He was absolutely right. I tried to release his hand, but this time, he wouldn’t let me.
“Sleep,” I said, trying to sound like I meant it.
“Yeah.” His hand was shaking in mine.
“I’m sorry. I know this was…far too soon.”
He nodded. And oh my fucking God. I couldn’t stand it. I really couldn’t.
“I have no expectations here, Hu. Zero,” I whispered. “All I want is for us to be something. I have no idea what that will look like, but go ahead and ruin my life because that would be better than this mess of a life I have now. I want you to ruin it. I want you to smash it apart and burn it, and I want to be with you as you do it and hug you and read cookery books with you and watch you eat all my air-dried ham and we laugh. You and I laugh!”
He said nothing.
“And I refuse to go to bed and lie in my bed on my own and stew because I’m worried about you. You’re not okay, I can tell that, and I know it’s my fault. I’m not okay either. I’m just standing here jabbering on because I need you to help me. Please. Please, Hu.”
“I can’t…”
“I will give you time. All the time.”
I was pathetic. And I suddenly smiled. I couldn’t help it. I really couldn’t.
“Hu.”
“Hu-go.”
Thank God for that.
“Hugo. Please. Come sleep in my bed.”
He made a sound halfway between a cough and a screech.
“That…is not a good idea.”
“I’m going to tell you why it is a good idea,” I carried on even though I was fucking out of control and he had all the answers here. “I’m scared. I’m really bloody scared right now. I’m scared of my feelings and I’m terrified of what is going on in that head of yours, and we both fucked up here because neither of us was ready. But…I loved it. I really, really loved it. I loved kissing you, and I don’t care about anything else. You…you’re my Hugo.”
