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He’s ruining everything in there, and I can’t do anything about it. I’m trapped in here like a squirrel on a tree, desperately trying to hide from the hawk soaring above.
He cackles manically, and it echoes through the room. “Come out, come out, wherever you are!”
I don’t dare move. If I do, he’s going to hurt me. He’s done it so many times, and it’s always when my mother is out of the house.
His footsteps are like a hammer pounding against my heart, and his shadow creeps in through the gap at the bottom of my closet.
I make a last minute decision. With shaking hands, I grab all of the comforters scattered on the floor of my closet and pile them over me. I sink down as low to the ground as I can get, burying myself in their protection.
Maybe I’ll just look like a pile of comforters when he opens the door. Maybe I won’t be dragged across the house by my hair like he’s done so many times before.
The doorknob rattles violently, and soon enough, the door is yanked open with incredible force. I shut my eyes and pray this is all over quickly.
He stands at the entrance of my closet in silence, his chest heaving with pure rage.
Out of nowhere, the piercing sound of shattering glass echoes through my bedroom. “Fuck!” he shouts, his voice dripping with fury. “Damn it, I need more fuckin’ whiskey.”
He storms off in the opposite direction, and my heart races as the sound of his footsteps get further away from me.
My heartbeat hammers against my chest, threatening to burst right through. Hot tears slide down my cheeks while I struggle to bring myself back to the present. These memories canoverwhelm me from time to time, and right now, that’s what’s happening.
Ivar doesn’t even realize the magnitude of his words. By calling me that name, he sent me back in time to a dark place where all I ever felt was fear. It consumed me every single day, a place where I didn’t have one moment of peace.
I wipe away my tears and remind myself how things could’ve ended so differently. I was lucky to make it out of there alive, and I know it.
My deep, ragged breaths do very little to calm the panic storming through me. Still, I remind myself again. I escaped that hell. I’m no longer there. I am safe.
I’m no longer that same helpless girl. I’m not trapped in a rundown trailer park, subjected to horrible abuse by my alcoholic stepfather.
I’m in a clubhouse where all of the men here are fearless protectors. They’d do anything to keep harm at bay for the women inside the club, and I hope that includes me.
Yet, all I can think about is Ivar and how I could see the worry on his face. I didn’t want to be a bitch, but I needed some fucking space. After all the bullshit with Regnor, I needed a few minutes to decompress.
I’m not blind. I know there’s been a change deep inside me. I can feel it, and I know others see it, too.
I’m struggling, and there isn’t any hiding it. I’m grappling with the fact I killed someone. Everyone’s telling me she deserved it, but they don’t understand what it was like being the person who watched the life disappear from her eyes.
She used to be my friend before she betrayed the club, and I think everyone is forgetting that.
LeAnn used to be my fucking friend. Sure, she was a bitch, but I never thought she’d go against the club like she did.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be capable of such a thing. It makes me feel like I’m not so different from Eli after all. He’d get into fits of rage and beat me, and eventually, it would end, but this won’t.
This will haunt me forever.
I killed her. I took her life, and now I’m the one carrying this heavy weight on my shoulders.
Does this one act make me a horrible person?
Will it constantly loom over anything I ever do in the future?
Will I be able to live with myself one day, and what I’ve done?
With a heavy sigh, I push myself up off the cold concrete floor and wipe away any remaining tears.
The emotions I’m feeling are raw and intense, but I’m allowed to feel them without making myself feel like shit.
Right now, I’m furious. Anger boils within me, fueled by the pain and betrayal of LeAnn. She used to be our friend, and now Meghan lies in a hospital bed, and none of us know when she’s going to wake up or if she is.
