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I knew that I was undeserving of it, just like I was undeserving of her love. She didn’t know my history. Hell, I barely knew my own history. But there were things even a blackout couldn’t erase. I’d left a trail of broken hearts, and broken women. I was broken, too, but that was no excuse.
“What does that mean to you?” Emily asked. “To belong?”
Again, Hope’s face swam up.
I shook my head. For me, home was a feeling, not a place. But I didn’t have the words to describe it. I had no context for it. I just knew that when I was with her, everything feltright. And that’s what scared me most of all. The possibility that I might actually be happy.
If I was happy, the universe or God or my higher power, whatever you wanted to call it, would have something to take away from me. A way to settle the score on my cosmic debt. I’d been selfish all my life. No way would I be allowed to keep someone as perfect and beautiful and kind as Hope Wright.
“I don’t know,” I said finally. “It’s never happened before.”
“But you think it could, with her?” Emily asked. That was one question I didn’t want to answer.
I didn’t have to. Judging by her knit brow and her sad smile, she knew all too well the hell that was in store for me.
65.
Hope
“You can’t quit,” Jamie said, reaching across the table to grab my hand.
“Why not?” I snapped.
“You’re going to let Thacker win?” he asked.
Damn. He knew just how to play me.
“Iwin because I don’t have to deal with him anymore,” I said, my shoulders slumping over my bowl of soup. Snow was pouring outside, and I was in my fuzzy pajamas. I was damned and determined to relax and forget my troubles. Except, they refused to be forgotten. Thacker refused to be forgotten.
“So you’re just going to leave some other poor soul to deal with him?” Jamie cocked a ginger eyebrow at me. I scowled.
“I’ve done my time!” I cried out, dropping my spoon into my soup bowl with a clatter. “It’s someone else’s turn. Maybe someone else can get through to him. Maybe if he hired a male chef, he’d be able to share a little bit of control.”
“You think he’s sexist?” Jamie asked skeptically.
“No, I think he’s a prick,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and sitting back in my chair. My appetite had disappeared. My worries had not.
I knew that, realistically, I couldn’t afford to quit. Jamie and I could comfortably afford the life we had now. We both worked our dream jobs and made more than enough to survive. We were lucky.
There were only two other restaurants in all of Casper that actually had need for an executive chef, and neither had an opening. There was no telling when one of the current chefs would die, quit, or retire, but I had a feeling it would take longer than I was able to wait.
So if I couldn’t get a job as a chef in Casper, I would either have to take a different kind of work entirely—God help me if I had to go back to waitressing—or move to a bigger city.
Denver. Jackson Hole. Between Casper and either one of those places, there was a whole lot of nothing. Antelope, tumbleweeds, and a few prairie ghost towns. If I did move, what would become of my relationship with Jamie and Rowan? Maybe Jamie would give up his spot on the Ice Hawks to go with me, but I couldn’t exactly ask Rowan to do that.
I was stuck. That’s the realization Jamie was trying to gently prod me toward. I couldn’t quit without upending everything I loved about my life. My parents had put on a brave face when Reid moved to Denver, but I knew they were still reeling from the loss of him, especially given how fraught their relationship was before he left. They’d only just started reconnecting with him and getting reacquainted with Lola when he was transferred. If I left, Runner would be all they’d have to focus on. And the retriever was getting a bit white in the face for my liking.
“You’re right,” I said at last, through gritted teeth. “I can’t quit.”
Jamie just watched me while I avoided meeting his eye.
“If it’s that important to you, we’ll figure it out,” he said, taking my hand again and squeezing it. “No job is worth being miserable for. And I’m captain now, so I’m making more money. Enough to cover the mortgage and utilities. Maybe the groceries, too, if you stop buying lamb shanks and grass-fed butter.”
“The grass-fed butter is non-negotiable,” I said. But I had to laugh, despite the weight bearing down on my head and my heart. I was furious with Thacker, and I couldn’t stand being near him—it hurt all the more after he was so soft, so caring, with me that morning at his house.
I scrubbed my palms over my face and then smiled half-heartedly at Jamie.
“Thank you,” I said, reaching for his hand. “I appreciate your support. I know no matter how much of an asshole my boss may be, I’m still lucky to have this job. I get to do what I love and make a decent living. He’s even giving us benefits now. A personality clash isn’t worth giving all that up. I know.”
