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Waiting until he thought they had both regained their equilibrium, he eventually spoke. "There was nothing going on between me and Anita Howard. I took her out to dinner as a courtesy. My father sent her to me for some business advice on reinvesting her trust fund. He did that deliberately, because he thought she was suitable 'wife' material. For that same reason, he invited her to join us at the charity dinner."
Joel kissed her shoulder and continued. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Jake was annoyed with me and thought you deserved honesty, but I didn't want you to misunderstand my father's manipulations and be hurt by them. And anyway, I wasn't interested in her. Sure, I could appreciate that she was beautiful, but I didn't want her. I had you…"
He snuggled her close and buried his face in the crook of her neck, and Desi felt a warmth ease through her body, reaching parts of her spirit that she didn't even realise had been cold.
"Anita knew the score. She flirted, but she knew things were never going anywhere, so I didn't think it was an issue. Still, I should have told you the truth."
Desi didn't answer for a long time, so long that Joel started to wonder if she'd fallen asleep. Had she even heard what he'd said?
But then, she lifted the arm that encircled her torso and pressed a soft kiss against the sensitive underside of his wrist.
"I forgive you!" she whispered, and the last of the ice vanished from around her heart as Desi also forgave herself and put the past to rest.
Chapter Nineteen
On Sunday, Joel was quiet. Desi wondered if he had withdrawn because he had revealed too much of himself yesterday. The previous day had been an emotional rollercoaster for both of them, from the distressing revelations they had disclosed to the sweet intimacy they had shared. Everything had been intense, but not in a way that Joel would have been comfortable with. Intense scenes were one thing. Intense living—not a space that Joel would happily inhabit.
Hell, even she was feeling shaky!
Joel was deep in thought. He was also more than a little freaked out.
What the fucking hell had he been thinking? In which damn universe had he ever thought that getting that close and intimate with Desi would be a good thing?
Not that it had been premeditated. Oh, no! Joel's great plan to let familiarity breed contempt had never included getting as up close and personal as he and Desi had done yesterday. Nope! That had all come naturally. No thought involved, just pure, effortless instinct. Just another indication of exactly how much the damn woman eroded his focus and had him performing completely uncharacteristic displays of spontaneous tenderness and behaving like a sappy bloody idiot. God, she'd even stripped him of his dominance. Wasn't that just the ultimate humiliation! Joel shuddered, refusing to even admit that his intimacy with Desi yesterday had been one of the most beautiful and fulfilling experiences of his life. He didn't do that shit. All that lovey-dovey crap was for feeble minded, spineless, docile…pansies. Damn it, he couldn't even think of a fitting definition! But he sure as hell was not that guy!
On the other hand, he wasn't completely insensitive. Spending the past couple of days with Desi had made him realise just how much she had withdrawn from life, and he felt painfully responsible for it. He understood why Jake was trying so hard to bring her out of herself, but he couldn't help thinking that there must be something more he could do, himself.
He thought back to the conversation he'd had with Connor about the guy who had claimed she was frigid. For that, he certainly knew he was responsible. The rest might have been a reactionary response to a situation she didn't fully comprehend, but Joel had taken an innocent eighteen-year-old girl and shaped her into a submissive who only responded to certain cues. Cues that other men didn't understand and didn't give her, which, in turn, had led to Desi being unfulfilled and the guys she had relationships with finding her unresponsive because they didn't appreciate her triggers and they didn't understand the silence and stillness with which Joel had indoctrinated her and which had become Desi's normal.
An idea had been forming in Joel's mind and the more he considered it, the more it started to take shape and the more Joel was convinced that his plan would be a godsend for both of them.
The way Joel saw it, Desi needed to change. For both of their sakes. Jake was making inroads into breaking down some of her social and emotional barriers, but it needed to go further. They needed to break down her sexual barriers, too, to give her the chance at having a normal, fulfilling relationship with a guy, and many of those were as psychological as they were physical.
Joel gritted his teeth as the thought of some faceless man putting his hands on Desi sent a wave of possessiveness through him, but he steeled himself, nonetheless, because if his strategy worked, then he would be released from this unsettling hold she had over him and it would no longer matter.
It was completely logical. Sexually, Joel had made Desi the way she was, and by his reckoning, he could unmake her. It was simply a question of 'retraining', and if Joel was able to deconstruct her cues and responses and instil a different set of outcomes, then he would have succeeded in his objective—Desi would no longer be his perfect submissive. She would cease to be his archetype and he would be able to forget her. Finally, he would be free and able to move forward with his life.
Joel pursed his lips and nodded his head, Yeah! It was time to put his plan into action, and if Jake wasn't on board the idea, then he was pretty sure he could get Logan and Connor to help.
Now, to convince Desi that it was in her best interests.
Chapter Twenty
On Wednesday evening, Desi stood in the dungeon area of 'Perversions', wondering how Joel had managed to talk her into what they were about to do. Well, to be fair, it was actually Jake who had ultimately persuaded her that this would be a good idea. And at the time, his arguments had seemed more than sound.
Now, as she stood in the club Joel had booked privately on a weekday evening when it was normally closed, dressed incongruously for her surroundings in the tan and cream skirt suit she had worn to work that day and surrounded by Joel, Jake, Connor and Logan, also dressed in their impeccable business suits, the situation seemed so surreal, it bordered on bizarre and her mind wandered back to those pivotal conversations…
"I want to retrain you!" Joel hadn't beaten around the bush after snapping out of his moody silence on Sunday afternoon. In fact, he'd suddenly appeared rejuvenated.
"Retrain me?" Desi had repeated, nonplussed. In all honesty, submissive training really had been the last thing on her mind and she was a little slow catching his meaning.
"That's what I said!" Joel stabbed his finger towards her with a flourish and an uncommon enthusiasm.
Desi had just furrowed her brow at him in puzzlement and a touch of wariness at his uncharacteristic excitement.
"Why do I need retraining?" she asked cautiously.
"Because, when I instructed you all those years ago, I prepared you with a specific set of goals in mind. Ideals that are not shared by the majority of Doms."
