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That I didn’t want anyone but him. That I’d never wanted anyone but him, and I couldn’t imagine ever wanting anyone else. That I was sorry I fucked this all up, that I played off hiswords as sex talk when they meant more to me than anything I could even express. That I fucking loved him and would let the entire world burn, as long as it meant I got to be with him.
The words I needed to tell Dev ran through my head, and I was too busy re-organizing them into some semblance of an emotional declaration of love that I almost ran into the car still sitting in the garage.
The garage door was open, cold air blowing in and making me shiver, and I worried Dev had taken off on foot, both cars still sitting in the garage. But then I heard the low hum of an engine and looked into the SUV, finding Dev sitting in the driver’s seat, gazing out the front windshield as if it held all the answers he was looking for.
I slowly made my way to the car, holding my breath as I opened the door and hoped like hell he hadn’t locked me out. I breathed out a sigh of relief as the latch clicked.
“I’m surprised you’re still here,” I admitted as I crawled into the passenger seat, more tears collecting on my lashes as I took in Dev’s form sitting beside me.
His face was drawn, eyes red-rimmed and an unfortunately familiar frown on his face. His shoulders were drawn up toward his ears, his fists gripping the steering wheel so tight I heard the creak of the leather.
And I realized even more of my mistakes as I sat there in silence, waiting for Dev to take the same pity on me he had every time before, breaking the silence to save me the effort of having to. I’d let Dev do most of the talking these past few weeks, keeping all the softest pieces of myself hidden and protected while Dev laid his out in the open.
He’d told me about his parents, how they’d tried to shape his future and how they’d had a temporary falling out when he’d enlisted in the military to escape their oppressive expectations. He’d talked as much as he could - since most of his operationswere covert - about his time in the military. How his ability to pick up languages quickly and his aptitude on various tests led him to be fast-tracked into a special ops unit, which excelled in completing the types of operations the government liked to keep under the radar.
He talked about his friends, how he felt an instant connection with Alex, picking up the darkness inside the hacker that existed in his own chest. He talked about Wren and Ames, how he’d so quickly thought of them as sisters, how much their love meant to him. How he enjoyed sparring with Bex, how proud he was of her progress not only as a coworker but as a person. He’d talked about how hefelt. He’d talked about his weaknesses, which I knew was a big deal for him.
But I hadn’t realized until this moment just how little I’d shared. Sure, we’d talked about parley, and I’d shared some pranks Callan and I had done as children, but all of that was surface-level. None of it could hurt me, which was likely why I was so willing to share those parts of myself. But the hard stuff? I’d avoided it, kept my weaknesses where I could keep them safe.
As the silence between us stretched, Dev’s shoulders inched higher and his hands gripped the steering wheel tighter. And I knew that this time, I had to be the one to break the silence.
“My mother left my father when I was three years old,” I blurted out, my words too loud in the quiet stillness of the car. I kept going, even as Dev turned to look at me, and forced myself to continue, the words cutting like knives as they left my throat. “According to him, she couldn’t handle the life he led. She felt she had to constantly look over her shoulder, constantly look out for her own safety, and it was too much. My father refused to leave the business, not realizing how serious my mother was with her threats to leave.
“She left in the middle of the night, only taking a suitcase and a few thousand dollars from my father’s safe. She didn’teven think to take me. I didn’t have guards in the middle of the night, safe in the compound, so she could’ve snuck me out. But she didn’t even try. She left nothing behind of hers except for her wedding ring.”
I took a deep breath, spinning the ring I always wore on my right ring finger, the gold band all too similar to the wedding band on my left hand.
“I started wearing it when I was a sentimental kid, missing my mother and wanting something of hers close by. And when I realized what she’d done, how she’d left behind my father - who’s still heartbroken over the loss - and me without as much as a goodbye, I wore it as a reminder.”
“What kind of reminder, Rory?” He sounded sad, as if he knew what I was going to say already.
“That love was fickle. That I couldn’t trust anyone with my secrets because they might leave. So I promised myself I would see every bit of danger and take it in stride, because I refused to be my mother. I wouldn’t leave my father behind because of his life, wouldn’t blame him for anything I had to go through because of him. I would fulfill my responsibilities without complaint.”
“Even if you had to marry a stranger to guarantee your safety.”
“Even if I had to keep my feelings to myself to make sure everyone I cared about stayed safe,” I whispered. “Even if I fell for the man I was supposed to be fake-married to.”
“And did you?” He asked, the words a quiet rasp, and I was sure I didn’t imagine the small sliver of hope coloring his tone.
“Of course I did,” I sobbed. “I started falling for you the moment you saved me, the way you smiled and how you responded so easily to my distrust. And before I even got to know you, we were getting married, and somehow it didn’t feel like a burden, it felt likefate. Only I thought you were marryingme to save your friends, and I didn’t want to risk admitting how quickly I was falling for you. I told myself it was because I didn’t want to make things awkward if you didn’t feel the same, but really I-”
“You thought I would leave like your mother,” Dev supplied, and I nodded, tears falling onto my lap as I waited for him to respond.
“Give me the ring,” Dev said, holding his hand out, waiting as I slid the ring off my finger. His fingers closed around mine as I set it into his hand, the ring pressing between our palms as he said, “Let me carry the burden for you.”
Then he let me go, taking the ring and slipping it onto his pinkie finger.
Chapter 24
Rory
I spentthe rest of the week slowly opening up to Dev, telling the stories and the thoughts that I’d kept locked up for years. The way I ran from my bodyguards because admitting I was overwhelmed by their protection made me feel too much like my mother, stifled and ready to escape. I talked about how my love for Callan was also occasionally overwhelmed by my jealousy of his intact set of parents. A set of parents who had enough love to share with me, a girl who wasn’t related to them in any way, while my biological mother ran as soon as she had the chance.
I talked about how I’d grown up an unwilling romantic, wanting what I read about in stories and watched in movies while simultaneously believing it wasn’t real. At least not for someone like me. How I’d gone into editing primarily romance novels because I was convinced it was the only source of romance I’d have in my life.
And contrary to what I’d believed for years, opening up didn’t feel scary. It was a relief, a burden that Dev helped to carry, just like the ring he wore on his pinkie finger each day. And we grew together, like that, no longer circling each other but rather moving in sync.
I was no longer responsible for the frowns on his face, or the hesitation behind his eyes, and instead spent most of my time shivering under the intensity of his gaze that he’d hid from me for weeks but no longer did.
