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I reached up and slowly started peeling away the gauze, uncovering the marks left behind by our tormentors. With each mark that was unveiled, my rage and self-hatred grew until, finally, I could no longer control my anguish, and sobs burst forth from me. Again.
They grew in magnitude as I realized, once more, that the man I love was hurt because of me. That he was now in pain and scarred for life because of me. He had done nothing wrong. His only crime was loving me. And it’s because of that love that he stood here before me, covered in stitches and blood and bandages, forever marred by this experience.
Will our relationship be able to survive this?
I couldn’t answer myself. For once in my life, my inner monologue was deathly silent. Something that had never happened in my life. She was my wild child side. The careless one. The one that had all the answers, and now she had nothing to say. It scared me a bit. It made me feel broken. Again. Only this time in a very different way.
I removed the bandages from his back and moved around to stand before him. Unable to meet his eyes, I reached to uncover the multitude of wounds on his chest, but he stopped me with just one word—my name.
“Katie.”
The agony in that breathy whisper touched my soul. It called to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I couldn’t meet his gaze. I was worried about what I would find in his expressive mossy green depths. Or rather, what I’d find missing. Either way, I couldn’t do it.
He brought his hand up so slowly, and with the lightest touch from a single finger, he lifted my chin. His touch shocked me. It was the first time he had initiated contact between us without asking first since he’d picked up my battered, bruised body and carried me out of the darkness and desperation and into the light.
“Don’t you dare blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault,” he said, gazing steadily into my eyes.
“How can you say that?” I wailed. “They did this to you because of me. Because of who I am! They tortured you to hurt me because what they did to me wasn’t enough! They wanted to kill us for something we didn’t even do!”
I fell to the floor, landing on my knees, and doubled over; the pain in my hip didn’t even register. The memories of my brutal attack washed over me, leaving me lying there in pieces. My arms wrapped around my body, trying to hold the pieces together. I felt like I was crumbling on the inside.
Nothing fitted together anymore. I was broken, shattered into a billion pieces, and I didn’t think I would ever be put right again.I was Humpty Dumpty, only worse because this wasn’t a fucking fairytale where I could ask a king for help. Even if I did, it wouldn’t do any good. I’d never be the same. Just like Jackson, I’d be forever scarred by Caleb and Nina. Caleb hadn’t just raped my body. He’d raped my mind and soul as well.
I sat there on the floor, trembling in fear. The fear of the unknown ravaged me savagely. Not knowing what to do or where to start. Not knowing how to get back to the person I was.
Questions I couldn’t answer raced through my mind. So many blended, making it difficult to decipher them all.
Why me?
What have I ever done to make someone hate me so much that they’d do this to me? To us?
What am I going to do?
How will I be able to survive?
Will I ever be able to have a “normal” relationship with Jackson?
Will he even want me now?
Why me? I continued to scream through my mind over and over.
The pain was unbearable now that I’d let it out to roam free. I couldn’t just sit still. I rocked back and forth, trying to find a handhold on the pain so I could pull it back in. I needed it encased in that steel trap that I’d enclosed it in on the truck ride from our hell on earth to the hospital. Letting it out was not such a good idea.
Jackson knelt before me, gently placed his hand on my head, and said, “Katie, darlin’, stop. Don’t beat yourself up over what happened to me.”
He ran his hand through my hair.
“I’d have gladly stepped before a train to keep you safe. I’m just so ashamed that I wasn’t able to do more. What he did to you…” his voice broke, and he sobbed. “I’m so sorry, sugar. I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to protect you. That I couldn’t do anything to make him stop.”
His sobs finally helped me find that handhold I’d been searching for. Raising, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him to me, straddling one of his thighs to get us as close to each other as possible.
He had been through just as many horrors as I had, and at last, I would be able to comfort him some. “Jax, if you had done anything to turn their attention away, it would have been so very much worse for you. You did as much as you could. I’ll never be able to thank you for what you’ve done. For the love and support you and your family have given me since we met. It baffles me because all I’ve brought to this family is tragedy.”
“Baby girl, you’ve brought so much more than tragedy to our lives. You have given me so damn much.I thought I was destined to be alone. Then you came into my life and lit it up like a Christmas tree, making everything bright, shiny, and new,” Jackson said, his voice trembling.
We sat there and sobbed uncontrollably, letting the anguish out, letting the tears cleanse away some of the hurt and pain. Maybe now that we’d finally broken through that wall we’d built around our pain, we’d be able to heal.
Once the sobs and the tears quieted, we just held one another. Sitting in Jackson’s arms, I realized I wanted to move on, but I had no clue how to achieve that. Up until this point, I refused to speak about it. Liam offered us any help Jackson and I might need, but I refused, and Jackson followed my lead. Maybe we needed to stop avoiding this and confront it.
