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I had a nightmare about you and couldn’t stop crying. Leo tried to make me feel better, but I just couldn’t catch my breath. It’s like you’ve taken one of my lungs with you, like I can’t breathe without you here.
He ended up texting Lucky, who came over and got into bed with me.
It wasn’t the same as you cuddling me, but I did eventually fall asleep.
Lucky thinks you were lying when you broke up with me. He told me that you love me, but you’re scared.
That’s what I thought too.
But the more time passes, the less I believe that.
13th Jan 4:07 p.m.
It’s been two months since I’ve seen you and I can honestly say I’ve thought of you every day. Every minute of every day. Wondering what you’re doing. If you’re happy. If you’ve found someone to talk to.
If you’ve found someone else.
22nd Jan 4:37 p.m.
I’ve come to a realisation that maybe I’ve made what happened between us into a bigger thing than it actually was.
Maybe I was projecting my own feelings onto you. It’s not like you ever actually said you wanted a future with me. You told me the opposite.
One thing’s for sure, you said you didn’t want to be with me because you’d end up hurting me.
Well guess what, Sebastian?
I’m hurting.
Maybe it’s not fair of me to tell you that, but it’s true.
Not seeing you, not talking to you is destroying me.
31st Jan 4:13 a.m.
Most days I’m so filled with hate it makes me sick. I hate that you’ve made me feel like this. I hate that I’ve forgotten how to smile. I hate that my friends and family are worried about me. I hate that my heart feels like it’s been scooped out of my chest. I hate that I just don’t care about anything.
But I don’t hate you.
I think I hate that most of all. It’d be so much easier if I didn’t love you.
13th Feb 9:00 p.m.
Three months, Sebastian. You really did mean it when you walked out of my life.
It’s Valentine’s day tomorrow. Another holiday where I’ll be alone. There’s hearts and loved up couples everywhere.
It makes me feel sick.
I’m going to try and stop texting you now. Not because I don’t care, but because every one that goes unread chips away a little part of my soul.
Maybe one day you’ll come back to me. Maybe we’ll read these back together and laugh at how much I missed you.
Or maybe you won’t. But at least they’ll always be a reminder that I tried. That I fought for you even if you wouldn’t fight for me.
Chapter 27
Sebastian
