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“I know.” I grind slowly again as her hips come up to meet mine. I release my hold on her wrists, and she wraps her arms around me and pulls me in for a kiss that says, “I still love you, but you hurt me. I still want to be with you but can’t allow myself to, and I will always love you.” I take what she allows me to as she fists into the back of my hair, and my come slides around her thighs as she grinds against me,
“I love you,” I whisper against her lips as I grind into her again, and a tear rolls across her cheek. “I love you,” I tell her again.
I know it's not enough, I know this doesn't make it right. and I know she won't forgive me easily for a long time, but having her in my arms is all I can hope for right now. So I pour all my emotions into each kiss, each thrust and grind against her body, and each pound of our hearts against each others. I want her heart back, and I want to make sure nothing, including me, ever breaks it again. I pour my heart and soul into making love to her, hoping she feels how sorry I am, how much I love her, and how I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her. The thing with the doctor was not me wanting to be with another woman, it was pure spite and hurt, and I know I fucked up. I hoped it would make me feel better in that moment, but all it did was break me, too.
It broke me that I could do that to the woman I love so fiercely. It broke me that I went in bare, something I've only ever done with Ray without thinking. Maybe if I’d thought about it, it never would have happened. As she shudders her release against me, I devour everything she gives me. I cherish her and hope to whatever gods out there that I can get her to forgive me, or at least try.
When I wake, it’s with a smile on my face. I’m happy and content. I have my woman back, and although things are far from good, I know I can win her back. I know I have to try. As my eyes flutter open, the smile fades. She’s not with me. She’s not in bed. I rush to the bathroom.
“Ray? … Ray?” There’s nowhere else she could be. I turn and rush to the door, flinging it open. It’s stopped snowing, but fuck, it's cold, but its almost like I don’t realise as I step onto the deck, shouting her name into the empty forest.
“Ray!” I take another step, “Ray, please.”
Nothing. That’s when I see the boot prints heading up the mountain.
“Fuck!” I roar to the sky as I rush inside. My clothes are folded neatly on the couch, but her knife, her favourite knife that she never goes anywhere without, her favourite knife that's always in her boot, is stabbed into the thick wood of the mantle over the top of the roaring fire, holding a letter to it. I just stare at it. I can't move. I can't will myself towards it. I don't want to know what it says. I just freeze, staring at it, not moving, not breathing, just nothing. I hear the crunching of snow outside and realise I've left the cabin door open. I turn. I can hear male voices, familiar male voices, then stomping and chattering.
I pull on my boxers as they push the door open. Ares, Dice and Tank. Ares walks straight over to me and pulls me in for a hug. “Fuck, Brother, I’m so, so sorry!”
I look between the other two, and their sombre, solemn faces say things I don't want to hear.
“What are you doing here?”
Dice closes the door, and Tank steps forward. “We got your message, we came straight away.”
“Message… I didn't send a message.”
Ares pulls out his phone and passes it to me.
Steel: She’s gone, she’s dead. (pinned location)
“We're sorry, Brother. I can't believe she’s gone!” Tank steps forward and pulls me into a hug.
“She’s not gone. I didn't send this. She was here last night. She was here. We made love all night and passed out… When I woke up, she was gone. She’s not dead. She’s gone to get wood. Yeah, she must have gone to get wood. Check the axe. I bet the axe is gone. She’s just collecting wood, she’s fine, dead, she’s not dead, she’s just —”
“Steel!” Ares snaps at me. “Brother, you're rambling. I got this message from you last night.”
“I didn't send it, I didn't.”
I turn towards the fireplace, and my hand shakes as I pull the knife out of the note and hold it to my chest. I try to steady my shaking hand to read it, my eyes fill with tears at the thought of her being gone.
Steel,
I know you’re sorry. I am, too. I want you to know I forgive you.
We didn't manage to get it right in this lifetime. You’re my one regret, regret that I wasn't enough, didn't deserve you, and couldn't change enough for you to fully love me for myself.
I will always love you. I'm leaving my heart with you. It belongs to you now and always will. I won't need it where I'm going!
Be good to yourself. I won't see you again, but I know I will look for you in the next life, maybe just maybe, we'll get a second chance then.
Love, forever and always, Ray xx
“No! No! No!”
I start to grab my clothes, and I drop to my knees when I see them. Her rings. Her fucking god damned wedding rings, laying there on the pile of clothing she’s taken off the airer and folded for me. Fucking hell. It breaks me, and I can’t function for a single second longer. As far as I knew, they were still at the police station. They wouldn’t let me have them back even though they were in my belongings. They were confirmed as hers, so she must have gone and collected them just to break my heart and give them back.
“Steel.” Tank rests his hand on my shoulder. “Come on, get dressed. We need to go look for her. We can't leave her out there in this weather. We need to go before it starts snowing again.”
