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Standing, I get dressed and slide her rings in my pocket. I grab the blanket, throwing it around me, and we head up the mountain, following her tracks. If it wasn't for the snow, we’d have no idea where she was, but as we trudge further and further, we reach the peak of the mountain. I drop to my knees and scream at the world. I can't bring myself to go to the edge. I can't bring myself to go any closer. There's a pile of clothes on the floor spelling out K.F.D with the ‘D’ underlined with sticks. Her favourite New Rock boots are at the ledge at the top of the cliff, and she may have left me behind, but I’d bet my life she wouldn't leave the knife and boots behind, so if she has no use for them, she also has no use for me either.
Ares takes a tentative step towards the edge while Dice pulls out his phone and starts taking pictures. “Are you fucking serious right now, Dice?” I scream at him.
“Steel, I need to see everything so I can find some clues to figure out where she’s gone. I just need to document everything and take it back with me so I can find her.
“It's fucking obvious, isn’t it?” Ares spits. “She went over the fucking edge.” As he peers down, he points. “Look, there!”
We rush to the edge and, in the water, crashing into the rocks, are some more clothes. “She fucking jumped. It's fucking obvious. There’s nowhere else for her to go. Below, it’s just water and rocks and a cold, harsh death, and she’d sooner take that than sort things out with us. Well, the bitch can fuck off. I’m done playing her games. Good fucking riddance!”
“Argh!” I run and throw myself at him. “You lousy motherfucker, you never wanted her here!” I punch him in the face, and as his head whips around, he fires a shot back.
“She was like a motherfucking disease. She ripped through my club like a fucking tsunami, wrecking us all and leaving us gasping for breath hanging on to driftwood for dear life; she’s a fucking plague!”
I punch him again, throwing him onto the ground as we flail and punch and thrash at each other as Tank and Dice try to separate us.
“Stop, she wouldn't have wanted this,” Tank tries to reason.
“Fuck what she would or wouldn’t have wanted. She can fuck right off. She’s fucking dead to me!” Ares shrieks.
“You take that back!” Dice spits and turns on Ares, punching him as I jump back, knocking Tank to his ass to get to Ares. The three of us are going hell for leather now, and I don't think anything will stop us. We’re rolling around on the floor, and we’re all just punching wildly in a complete frenzy. After a few minutes, a giant ball of snow is launched on our heads, and it dazes us as we fall back.
“What the fuck, Tank?” Ares spits.
“You’re a fucking embarrassment. In fact, you all are. Just fucking look at the state of you all. You didn't deserve her. She was too good for all of you! This”—he gestures to the area and to the three of us—“is on you! She’s gone again! And this is all on you!” He turns on his heels and starts to storm back down the mountain.
Dice pulls himself to his feet. “He’s fucking right, we’ve fucking this up for the final time, and nothing we can do will make this better. I need to go home. I need to tell my boyfriend I couldn’t save his sister, again.”
He shakes his head and storms down the mountain, too. I'm fixated on the little specks of red on the white canvas of the snow and how they are going in and out of focus before I realise I'm crying again.
“How could I have fucked this up so badly that she would toss herself off a mountain?”
“You had help, Brother, we’re all to blame.” Ares pulls me to my feet. “I'm so sorry, I didn't mean what I said, it's just…”
“She got under your skin, and you love her too!”
“Yeah, man. I fucking love that girl almost as much as Scar. She makes me angry and pushes my buttons and taunts me, but she makes me a better me.”
“She made you a better you!'' I drop to my knees and scrub my hands over my face, rubbing them into my hair. “She’s really gone this time, isn't she?”
“I don't see any other outcome, Brother. There are no other tracks away. There's no other way out. She just didn't have enough fight left. We broke her; we all did. What do we do now?” Ares wraps his arms around me as silent tears roll down his face.
“We do what I do best. We find out who took her with Roach and burn his world to the ground with him in it. I'm gonna enjoy spending time in that office with whoever’s responsible. I will be the motherfucking Reaper, and I will raze the city to the ground till I find the fucker.”
I push up from the ground and wipe my face. I have a newfound purpose, revenge, and it will be the sweetest yet. I will not lose her in vain. I will earn my place by her side once again. She said she will wait for me in the next life. Well, I’m gonna burn what’s left of this one down and take every fucker that ever hurt her with me.
“Till we meet again, my love!” I whisper to the wind, and I turn and make my way down the mountain, a hollow shell of the man I was when I started up it. But hollow will serve me well. I have nothing else, nothing in my life to distract me from my goal, and that’s to make it back to her.
Some may call it a death wish. I call it a purpose. I will take that motherfucker out. Now, I need to find out who he is.
We make our way to the cabin in silence. Once I get there, I toss the place, take any scrap of anything that was hers or smells like her, and torch the place. This is the last place I was happy, even just for a moment, when I had her with me, under me, buried between her thighs, hearing her moan and feeling her come undone against me, knowing I’ll never have that again. I burn it to the ground. If I can't be happy here, no one else will.
We make it back to the bottom of the mountain, and Ares’ truck is gone. Clearly, Tank and Dice were done with our bullshit. We’ve barely spoken since the fight, and I’m still reeling at the things he said. I know he lashes out at her when he’s hurt by her actions, and I know he doesn’t mean it, but fuck, that shit hurts. I love that woman with everything I am.
“I’m sorry, Brother! I'm truly sorry. I didn’t mean anything I said. I do actually… love her. I just don’t know how to process what she makes me feel. With Scar, it's different. There’s the fucking, and it makes sense. With Ray… there’s none of that, but it feels similar, and I don’t know what to do with all these fucking feelings.”
“You wanna fuck Ray?”
“No! God, no.” He shakes his head. “It’s just… I don’t know… Big!”
