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“Go look for her.” Dice nods towards the door “Go, I've got these two.”
I throw on some clothes and my trainers and head out the door. Ray’s hanging over the bannister, puking onto the concrete. I rush down the stairs to her.
“Fuck, Ray… you okay?” She turns to look at me, and there's blood on her face. Ray, what the fuck happened?” I turn her and look her face over but can’t see anything. I take her hand, but as I grab it, I feel the wet, slightly sticky feel of blood running down her wrist, “Shit, Ray… What the fuck did you do?”
She looks up at me, unfocused and swaying. “I wanted to feel something more than numb,” she slurs.
“Fuck.” I pull her up the stairs. “Come on, let's get you cleaned up.”
I mean, I knew this was coming, the drinking. It's how we always used to cope. It's what we did after missions, but she hasn't been able to with the twins, but now they're mostly sleeping through. I fear she’s only gonna get worse. She throws herself at the bannister and pukes again. I know she’s been using drink to get through these last couple of months, but not like this. Not to this extent, and self-harm. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I hope it's that and not anything more serious.
Walking in through the door, Dice comes to meet us. “Shit, what the fuck?”
I shake my head. “Can you stay with the twins? I'm gonna clean her up and stay with her to make sure she doesn't choke on her own vomit.” Dice scrunches his face up as I walk into the bathroom. “Can you grab some pants and a T-shirt? It’s gonna be a long fucking night,” I grumble.
Ray
I wake up with a warm body next to me and I sigh, then I freeze. “It's just me, dickhead.”
“What the fuck died in my mouth?” I question, but I know what it was: it was Jack… and tequila and definitely vodka.
When I try to move my arm, it pinches, and I look down, and there's a bandage wrapped with tape around my forearm.
“Are we gonna talk about this?”
“I need coffee and a shower before the twins wake up.” I move to leave, but Dane grabs my arm. I wince as he holds onto the bandage, gripping tight so it stings like a motherfucker. I sigh. “Let me get cleaned up, and then we'll talk, okay? But I’m okay. I’m just working through some shit.”
After getting out of the shower, Dane and Dice are feeding the twins in the living room. “Hey, why didn't you shout me?”
“Because you've been trying to do it all on your own.”
“Look, I appreciate it, but it's not what you think, okay? I just… since Bas, I just don’t feel, and then to lose Steel… I’m angry, hurt, and betrayed, and I hate him most days, but I feel numb. I just want to feel something that isn’t misery, and after all the torture, I only seem to feel when I cut. It's like a release. I can’t go out and kill. I have the twins. I can’t go out and fuck, who the fuck’s gonna want me looking like this? so I cut. it helps, and the drinking… I just really missed tequila, but I mixed it with vodka and Jack, which made me puke, okay?”
“Ray, let us help more. Let everyone help more. How about you go back to work part-time? Maybe just let people help by looking after Storm and River for you. Everyone's chomping at the bit to get their hands on them. You don't have to do it all alone, you know.”
I sigh and flop on the sofa. “I just feel like I'm letting him down. I wanted to be so great at this, but I feel like a fuck up.”
“Come on, let's have breakfast, take these two out, see what’s happening, and think about returning to work. You were never gonna be a full-time mum, Ray; you're too… much to be cooped up. You need to find a better way of releasing whatever it is that you need to release.”
“Yeah, I just don't know what that is. Look, I will watch the drink, but the cutting helps, and I’m scarred to fuck. What does it matter? At least these ones are my choice.
“Fine, but maybe you should talk to someone!”
“What, like a shrink? Fuck, Dane, you know they’d damn well have me committed.”
“True but maybe a grief counsellor, we lost Pa Daniel, then Pa Steven, and Pa JJ, then you found out Pa Cade was your dad, and Bas was alive, then got kidnapped, then lost Steel, then killed Bas.”
“I do not regret that one bit. If it wasn’t for all the other stuff, I would sleep soundly at night over that fucker.”
“What are your nightmares about then?”
I sigh. “Steel. I relive him being shot over and over again, and I never quite reach him. The more I run, the further away I get, and he dies anyway, and there's nothing I can do to save him.”
“Fucking hell, Ray.” Dane hugs me tight, and Dice hugs me from behind. The twins gurgle.
“Come on, let's make a move. I need to head up to the compound, anyway.”
Walking outside, Dozer is hosing down the concrete. “Sorry, Dozer.”
