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Bernadine thrust the spoon at her and then proceeded to walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
Alaska had never met anyone who was so at home in someone else’s house. She certainly wouldn’t be running up the stairs to grab someone else’s children, but...maybe that was the way things were done around here.
Or maybe Bernadine was just one of a kind. Maybe that was why Ezra thought she would be a good person to talk to Alaska. She had to remember that Ezra had chosen this woman himself. Whatever she had to say, Alaska wanted to listen.
“Look who I found,” Bernadine said, a few minutes later, as she came back downstairs with Eugene on her hip. She had clothes for him in her hand as well.
She gave instructions to Alaska while she changed his diaper and put his clothes on. She seemed to do everything effortlessly, when Alaska knew that she would be stumbling and bumbling around, trying to figure out what to do next.
“All right. You can put that in the oven for twenty minutes.” She had finished changing Eugene, and Alaska’s son was much happier than he normally was in the morning when she had him herself.
It was a little bit discouraging. But she put the orzo bake in the oven, and then Bernadine said, “Your baby was up, but she was happy, so I didn’t grab her. We can go on back up and get her.”
She didn’t leave any room for conversation, and Alaska dutifully followed her back up the stairs.
Fifteen minutes later, they were back downstairs with two freshly changed children, and Bernadine made a bottle for Alice while directing Alaska to put some scrambled eggs in the pan for Eugene.
Was this the way she normally ran her kitchen? It felt so efficient. Alaska figured that, better than talking to her, she was just showing her how she could take things in hand. She had given the children attention, but she kept her eye out for the other things that neededto be done, giving Alaska instructions, figuring out where the bottles were, and determining what Eugene could eat for breakfast.
Sometimes it took Alaska half an hour or more just to figure out what in the world they were going to eat.
And Eugene seemed to like his eggs just fine, as she set the plate in front of him, and he began to eat eagerly.
“I wish things went this smoothly when I am alone,” Alaska said.
“I’ve had plenty of years of experience. You learn how to do things, and then they come naturally. But you can’t expect to do things perfectly the first time. Or the second time. You have to give yourself grace.”
That was the second time she heard that—grace—in two days.
“Ezra talked about grace yesterday. Only... It was like not getting angry for mistakes.”
“And especially mistakes that maybe you should get angry for. After all, as a mom, you expect yourself to know how to be a mom, but sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you mess up. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself the space to make mistakes, accept them, and then move on. Of course, we always try to do better, but we don’t sit around and bemoan the fact that we messed something up.”
“But people might get mad at us,” Alaska said. That had been something she struggled with a lot. She hated it when people got upset with her. Maybe that was part of the reason it had taken her so long to get out of the world of drugs and alcohol and promiscuity. Sure, change was hard, but she knew it was going to make people mad at her. Case in point was the police at her house, yesterday.
“You can’t worry about that. Now, I’m not saying that you should be deliberately unkind to people. Of course you shouldn’t. But you cannot allow the idea that someone might be upset with you to ruin your life. You have to put your eyes on Jesus. And then, whatever you do, you know it’s the right thing. If you’re living toplease Him, to serve Him, to do what He wants, then you might upset some people. And that’s just the way life goes.”
“But doesn’t Jesus want us to love everyone? Doesn’t that mean that we won’t deliberately make anyone mad?”
“The key word there is deliberately. If you make a mistake, apologize and move on. You don’t need to sit around and bite your nails, thinking and overthinking about how you should have done things differently. Do you know how much time you waste doing that?”
Alaska didn’t have a chance to answer.
“You only have one life. Do you really want to spend your life sitting around thinking about all the things that you wish you could change? That’s a waste. Especially if they’re tiny little things, a minor accident. Now, there is a place and a time for you to think about the things that you’ve done wrong and the things you want to change in the future, but getting all upset and worrying over stuff is a waste of time.”
“I think I understand.”
“Eugene, look at you. You ate all of your egg. What a good boy.” Bernadine walked over to the tray and handed Eugene a cracker. Alaska hadn’t even seen her get it. “All right. We need to pull that out of the oven, stir it, and we’re going to add some spinach and cheese, and bake it just a little bit more.”
Alaska grabbed a pot holder and got the casserole dish out of the oven as Bernadine had instructed. Under her guidance, she added the last ingredients and put it back in the oven.
“Do you think I’ll ever be as organized as what you are?” Alaska said as she straightened. How was she going to do it all? Take care of the kids, cook, clean, do laundry, help on the farm, and be a good wife? It seemed overwhelming. She couldn’t imagine trying to have a full-time job and do all of the things.
“Yes. I do. It will come slowly, gradually, until one day you realize that things that used to be hard aren’t anymore. It’s kind of like if you’ve ever trained for any kind of sports. Or... If you practice thepiano or an instrument. You just slowly get better. Until one day, you look back on the things you’ve done, and it shocks you that you’re so much farther on than what you used to be.”
“I guess I’ll take your word for it.”
“A year from now, we’ll talk.” Bernadine smiled. “Actually, I hope we talk a good bit between now and then. But we’ll look back then. Assess where you were and where you’re at now.”
